Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Poor and Poorer

The fact is simply this: The poor are getting poorer, the middle class is getting poorer, and the rich are cleaning up – getting richer and richer on the backs of the poor and the poorer.

Every economist knows this and it can be readily backed up with hard facts:

  • The inflation-adjusted wages of the middle-class have declined by 74% since 2000, lowering their standard of living to 1974 levels. (Hence, the return of eight-track players and vinyl seat covers.)
  • 99% of all wealth does not intersect with the 1% excluded from this statistic, resulting in a grossly lopsided 99:1 Hoenig-Schweizer gamma ratio.

  • The GNP-deflated stationarity indices have never been lower, thanks to Republicans stealing from the poor and giving to their capitalist friends.

  • Normative cointigrative autoskedastic vertices, since Bush stole the election, compunctualize new lows in transinformatic generators. And the poor will not forgive us this time.

But where is the national debate on these issues? There is no debate because the opposition is afraid of the truth.

Yes, I can sit here and recite statistics for hours – but that will not be enough. Instead, I will need to recite statistics for years because our enemies are (correctly) intimidated by the force of a formidable academic who can embarrass them with their utter ignorance.

I know that the ruling class is reading this. And they are frightened. Petrified. Why? Because not only can I compose delicious one-word sentences, but because they know how stupid they will look if confronted with my expertise.

Here’s what would happen in a debate between me and a capitalist:

Professor Kurgman, PhD PhD PhD: The so-called “entrepreneurs” and “business people” became rich by raping, figuratively and literally, the honest union men and women.

Capitalist: This is nonsense. I hate homo-sexuals. I would never rape a man.

Professor Kurgman, PhD PhD PhD: Well, are you familiar with the Belzwig-Neumann projunctive correlates?

Capitalist: (Uh-oh, he is much smarter than me…) I must leave now, for I am hungry. Hungry for money! I need to find a woman, pummel her, rape her, take her money, and put her to work as a sex slave in my greenhouse-gas production facilities!

Professor Kurgman, PhD PhD PhD: This, I submit, is incontrovertible proof of the need for complete state socialism. Let’s put the scientists to work to make it happen!

And happen it will. Statistics are on our side. Now.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Hundreds of Economists Say: Raise the Minimum Wage

650 economists cannot be wrong, especially when they are affiliated with institutions as prestigious as Harvard University, Yale University, Princeton University, The Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Columbia University, University of California – Berkeley, and the AFL-CIO.

My estimate is that this represents maybe one thousand PhDs, if not more. And they all agree:

“We believe that a modest increase in the minimum wage would improve the well-being of low-wage workers and would not have the adverse effects that critics have claimed.”


Of course, there are several flaws here:

1. If a “modest” increase in the minimum wage would be an improvement, then a “gargantuan” increase would be perfection. I do not understand why they have held back from such a common-sense policy prescription.

2. An increase in the minimum wage would not improve the well-being of low-wage workers because such an increase would eradicate low wages, and bring affluence to all. That is, an increase in the minimum wage will benefit newly rich workers.

3. Why do they refer to their opponents as mere “critics” instead of “fascists”, “racists”, and “homophobes”? Anyone who thinks that an increase in wages would have adverse effects is clearly a fascist. How sick is it to think that an increase in wages would result lower the quantity of workers demanded? Let me tell you something: The ruling corporate class needs the working class, and will pay anything to keep them in their employ. Do you really believe that supermarket baggers would be fired if their wages were increased to a fair level? Do you think that bank tellers and telephone operators would be replaced? This is not possible! The fact is that government-set wages and prices (and for that matter, any government regulation whatsoever) cannot possibly have any adverse effects. How could it? One thousand PhDs cannot be wrong!

They also fail to make the moral case for a high minimum wage:

Let’s say that we have a situation where a bloated capitalist swine hires an honest working-class person, and pays her $6 per hour. Of course, she is worth more than that, regardless of her actual job, because $6 an hour is dehumanizing. Clearly, she is worth $50 an hour.

(And let’s set aside other objectionable working conditions, such as daily rapings and beatings, withholding of food, being locked in a gas chamber overnight, etc., etc., etc.)

Now, who is to give her this extra $44 per hour? An uneducated person might say, “Raise taxes, and let the government make up the difference, because it is society’s obligation to pay her a fair wage.” This argument has its appeal (especially the “raise taxes” part), but it is wrong. And it is wrong because the capitalist must be punished because of who he is: A filthy capitalist. The $44 per hour serves two purposes: 1) Giving the working-class slave a fair wage, and 2) Punishing the ruling capitalist class. You do not owe her $44, I do not owe her $44, but you and I have the obligation of ensuring that her capitalist slave-driver pays her because he must be punished.

One PhD will get you an economic theory, but three PhDs will get you insight.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Create Jobs Now: Ban Washers

As I constantly remind my economics students: “It’s all about jobs, jobs, and jobs.” Yes, it’s a humorous line, and though it completely overlooks caring for our nation’s children, it nevertheless must be addressed.

Now, the masses understand that when a greedy company lays off workers, it is taking away those jobs, jobs, and jobs. And, of course, that is one of the many things that ails Amerikkka; corporate downsizing. In a humane world, these companies would be hiring more people to do the same amount of work—hence increasing employment and easing the burden on the working class.

(As an aside, Amerikkka should listen to the French, instead of alienating them. In France, the legislated 35-hour maximum workweek did in fact create jobs, jobs, and jobs—notwithstanding fascist naysayers.)

So, you ask, what can we—as a people, as a society, as a community, and as a nation—do?

We can start by doing a little “corporate upsizing” on our own! Throw out your dishwasher and your clothes washer. These appliances are more obscene than sweatshop labor; instead of making meager wages, they work for nothing at all. The space hogged by these machines could be filled with recycling bins, and the labor they produced can be substituted with real working-class humans, at union wages.

Think of how good you will feel when you allow a team of $50/hour (plus full benefits and guaranteed lifetime employment) employees into your house to manually clean your dishes and clothing. They will be better off (since they will no longer have to mow lawns or prepare restaurant food, and also because they cannot be fired) and you will be better off because you are creating jobs, jobs, and jobs.

I, of course, would personally not participate because I do not own a dish washer or a washing machine. Some other time, we’ll discuss how cleaning your dishes and clothing is akin to raping the environment, violently and repeatedly. And in any case, if you eat as nature intended, by lowering your head into your food, you will see the wastefulness of utensils and flatware. For that matter, I haven’t changed my underwear in over a year! (And that includes my bowel “episode” in the food co-op.)

But, listen peeps, if you do clean yourself, make sure to hire someone else to do the job at a proper wage. I personally recommend immigrants from Somalia, Yemen, and Saudi Arabia. It’s all about jobs and diversity.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

An Open Letter to President Kim Jong-Il

To His Excellency, the Glorious Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il:

Hello, my name is Professor Peter Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD. I am an accomplished (and tenured!) professor who has earned three PhDs.

Now, just in case you glossed over that last paragraph, please permit me to indicate that I have three PhDs.


- Sociology of Postdialectic Gender Ethics and Political Sexuality, PhD

- Desemiotic Cultural Paradigms and Peace Education, PhD

- Philosophy of Communal and Neocultural Distributive Ethics, PhD

As a highly educated world leader, I am sure that you are impressed by my extraordinary achievements and feel compelled to read on. I can’t blame you!

But enough about me.

May I invite you, President Kim, to help my nation? You see, Amerikkka is being run by a cabal of maniacs—led by a deranged madman, George W. Bush. In the name of Christianity, he stole two elections, eliminated all human rights, launched genocidal oil-wars against the Sun People of the Middle East, and in general has been far more cruel and ruthless than Hitler ever was. And, regrettably, my occasional mid-afternoon hunger protests have been for naught.

We are suffering, President Kim!

And this is why I was delighted, President Kim, to see that you are the last true hope for Amerikkka. Yes, I despise “nukes”; believe me, I’ve put in many a strenuous afternoon protesting at some rather high-profile generating stations. (Yes, I am ashamed that this country needs electricity; if only we could follow the lead of your green “no-electricity” policies!) But my “NO NUKES” screaming was futile. I stood across the street from the White House screaming at that bastard Nixon, but the Death Machine was rolled out – and today, President Kim, Amerikkka is littered with deadly nuclear power stations.

But, President Kim, I would like to extend a personal invitation for you to come to Amerikkka and see how the people, the REAL people, are trying to create a society that we can all be proud of. Did you know that many of our governments have special laws to protect the rights of gays, lesbians, and the transgendered? Yes, we do! Just like your Korea! And we have all sorts of anti-hate legislation, just like in Korea. And I think you’ll really like our recycling programs; maybe we can swap ideas!

Please visit my university, Mr. Kim, and sit in on one of my classes. (Incidentally, I have three PhDs.) In my course called “Contextual Multiculturalism in Postmetastructuralist Foundations”, we carefully advocate full multiculturalism, including an intensive appreciation of Juche. In fact, our Juche module requires a full two weeks of student narratives on the many contributions of you and your father, may he rest in peace—even though, of course, he will never be, technically, dead.

But more to my main point, President Kim, could you please fire some nuclear bombs on a few Southern states—and especially on Texas? As you can see, in the rest of the country, we are really trying to emulate your beautiful nation. We’re not perfect, but we’re trying! What we need is a brave liberator who fully understands the meaning of equality, equality, and equality.

The Revolution is almost here, President Kim, and all we need is a little assistance in destroying the enemies of the people.

If only Amerikkka could be transformed into another Korea!

I look forward to your response.


Professor Peter Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD

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