My PhD candidate Kathy has put forward a well-developed theory that the murders at Virginia Tech were basically the fault of the Jews.
It's a well-developed theory that I intend to incorporate in my upcoming journal article "Capitalism and The Inevitable Backlash Against The Little Eichmanns".
I agree with Kathy. The Zionist Holocaust against the Palestinian people has hardened us into an uncaring society, and, suspiciously, this murder spree has "coincidentally" distracted us from the real murder spree in the Middle East.
And I can confidently say that this sort of atrocity is not possible in my school because, unlike the racist white trash of rural Virginia, my university is staffed with a sensitive and caring faculty. I would have personally taken this young man to my bosom and assured him that World Socialism is just around the corner. That alone would have undoubtedly inspired him to join us in the Revolution! We need young men like him!
But for now, peeps, let's move on. Let's not get caught up in this silly story. The real murderers, like Karl Rove and Don Imus, are our true enemies.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
Thursday, April 12, 2007
May I approach you, Reverend Sharpton, if only in this most electronic paradigm?
If so, I would like to confess my guilt, and deeply deeply deeply apologize for having been born into the same cursed race as the slave-driving white supremacist Don Imus. And may I apologize for not having even more black pupils in my classes? And may I apologize for them not getting into grad schools (and baseball teams!) at a sufficiently high rate? Please understand that I already curve all of my students of color to 100% to ensure that they receive a 4.0 average in my classes. And yet, this is still not enough!
I appeal to you, Reverend, to accept my confession. You have defined the very definition of the moral summit as an activist, a civil-rights leader, a religious leader, a grass-roots people-powered political presence, a courageous candidate for Mayor of New York as well as the Amerikkkan Presidency, a defender of rape victims, a spokesperson for the rent-oppressed, a beacon of peace and hope, a resistor against the cancer of Zionism, and an indefatigable icon of the Democratic Party.
I wish to make amends. Even though I am about to sacrifice over $53M dollars to settle a racial bias suit (technically, FedEx is making the payment, but I am of the same race as their executives, am I not?), I want to do more. Can I encourage my my fellow white citizens to atone for holding slaves?
Please, help me, cure me, and heal me.
I lay before you, prone, in wait of your judgment. I realize that you just received the most shocking blow to your life, but please make the time to forgive me. I eagerly anticipate your response, even if it is only preparatory advice that instructs me on how to position myself.
Professor Peter Kurgman, PhD., PhD., PhD
Posted by Professor Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD at 3:14 PM