Hands Off Our Bodies, Judge Alito!

Today is the 33rd Anniversary of the Roe vs. Wade decision, and yet its importance still needs explaining.

Basically, the U.S. Constitution was written a very long time ago by some white men who could not possibly foresee our contemporary problems. Therefore, it is up to today's judges to interpret the spirit of The Constitution as a "living document" so that it can once again be relevant.

And one very obvious interpretation of The Ninth Amendment is that the government shall not deny the right of privacy to The People. And that means that the government has no right to ban abortions. Our privacy is sacrosanct! Our right to do as we will with our bodies shall not be violated.

Here are some other contemporary interpretions of The Constitution for today's complicated world:

1. The Ninth Amendment's right to privacy does not apply to the IRS.

2. The Ninth Amendment's right to our bodies does not apply to prescription drugs.

3. The Second Amendment's right to bear arms means that arms are illegal.

4. The Fourteenth Amendment's right to equal protection means that my university shall pay no taxes.

5. The Fourteenth Amendment's right to equal protection means that all levels of government must apply affirmative action quotas to give job preferences to blacks, Hispanics, women, gays, the physically challenged, the transgendered, the developmentally delayed, and felons.

6. The Fourteenth Amendment's right to equal protection means that if a crime is committed against a black/gay person, then the perpetrator should receive extra "hate crime" sentencing if he is white/heterosexual.

7. The Seventh Amendment's right to a jury trial means that citizens must be drafted into jury duty, and that they shall make no claim of the Ninth Amendment's right to privacy.

And that's why we need judges who can apply the spirit of the obsolete law to the world of 2006.

Get your filthy hands off my body, Judge!