Poor People's Alternatives to Wal-Hitler-Mart

Here is today's stupid question, emanating from a student who has sealed his failure in my class:

"Professor Kurgman, where should poor people shop if you feel that they should not patronize Walmart?"

Yes, I already a class-action lawsuit against this young man, on behalf of the entire academic community that has been irreparably offended by this hurtful question.

That said, the ideal is, of course, to not shop anywhere. "Shopping" is a capitalist concept, designed to distract the working class from the mass rape being inflicted upon them by said capitalist class.

But until The Revolution is complete, we must live with this intermediate state of affairs.

And so, here is my guide to Walmart alternatives for poor people:

Food

Poor people should stop poisoning themselves at Walmart and instead shop at Whole Foods Market. What with 100 different types of cheeses, sustainable seafood, cage-free eggs, and commitments to locally-grown organic crops and Ethical Trade, the Environment and Quality Products, it is utterly impossible to understand why machinists, truck drivers, auto mechanics, building superintendents, kitchen helpers, day laborers, and the rest of the working class would shop anywhere else. Unless, of course, they are victims of capitalist indoctrination.

Appliances and Household Items

Obviously, the poor people's place to go is Williams-Sonoma. The Hispanic market, in particular, will be intrigued by the wide assortment of furnishings for wine cellars -- which is a category completely overlooked by racist Walmart. Need more evidence of Walmart's genocidal strategy? How about their neglecting the working person's demand for tart pans?

Clothing and Sporting Goods

The people reject Hitlermart and select the environmental embrace of Patagonia. Vegan-friendly, organic, and economical, working people and minorities can easily prepare for their favorite pastimes of yoga and alpine climbing. Can anyone explain to me why food stamps are not valid for Patagonia purchases? Vote the Environment!

Another good choice is Urban Outfitters, especially for their scarves that Walmart will not sell.

Toys

By selling toys, the Nazis at Walmart are deliberately fighting the forces of human extinction, which is our planet's only hope. Poor people, minorities, wymyn, and the working class cannot fight Walmarts poisonous propaganda, and so they have no choice but to procreate. And so, if toys must be purchased, we should still not feed the monster. Instead, I recommend planet-friendly products from Progressive Kid, where "every day is Earth Day" and where you can "challenge gender roles". From $3.99 eco-chocolate bars to $24 organic T-shirts, there is no better way for poor people to spend their money.

Some people might point out that some of these stores are more expensive than Walmart. Well, of course they are, and that is because they do not sell products made by slaves. And Progressive Kid goes even further; they are so progressive that they strive to not sell anything made by any Chinese people at all! (Or, presumably, not until the Cultural Revolution returns.)

Here is a tip: When choosing between a $2/pound toxic chicken at Walmart and a $9/pound organic chicken at Whole Foods, always pay more for organic. You will be defeating the slave owners, and there is no better recipient, no more needy recipient, for your extra $7 anywhere in the world.

Another Reason to Hate Wal-Mart

It's called "community".

It's the idea that we work together as one: In unity, in solidarity, and in diversity. In a community, you give. You do what your community needs from you, because...it is your community.

Compare the visceral delights of contributing to a community...and living and breathing...and entirely existing for your community...with the opposite: Slavery and fascism.

In other nations, noble experiments fostered community among the proletariat. They were not against; they were among! See this picture of an early Soviet gay-pride parade that was combined with community obligations. Obligations from the soul!

But Amerikkka was founded on slavery and has regressed ever since. Today, we -- you and I, and especially people of color and of indeterminate gender -- are slaves. The blame is everywhere, from Mister Bush to so-called "pharmaceutical" companies to the Zionist-controlled hydra of Exxon-Mobil.

But it is best illustrated by Wal-Mart. Exploiting workers by not paying them what the community demands. Exploiting shoppers by forcing them to buy things that the community rejects. Unrelentingly smashing the small shop-owners who are the very backbone of the community.

Connect the dots, people. It's Wal-Mart vs. The Community. We have become their slaves.

Oh no, I would never, never, never urinate in a Wal-Mart dressing room! No, I would not. Never. It is because that is their tactic. They urinate on the worker, the farmer, the undocumented immigrant, the student, and, yes, on me.

The urine-soaked community will not take this lying down.

We will fight.

Oh yes, the chickens will come home to ROOST!

Hillary and Wal-Mart

My vote matters, and will be very decisive in choosing our next leader.

And so, I was very disgusted to learn that Hillary was on the board of Wal-Mart. For starters, I did not realize that she was a Zionist pig. As we know, the Zionists cannot control the world financial markets without controlling Wal-Mart -- and it is evidently clear from this picture that the Wal-Mart board is comprised of Zionists.
But I was relieved to learn that all is well:

As a Director, Clinton Moved Wal-Mart Board, but Only So Far

Fellow board members and company executives, who have not spoken publicly about her role at Wal-Mart, say Mrs. Clinton used her position to champion personal causes, like the need for more women in management and a comprehensive environmental program, despite being Wal-Mart’s only female director, the youngest and arguably the least experienced in business.

Understand this: The proper function of being a Board Director is to "champion your personal causes".

And understand this: The proper function of being the President of Amerikkka is also to champion your personal causes.

And understand this: She has some very respectable personal causes.

The more I learn about her, the less inclined I will be to support Robert Mugabe at the brokered Democratic Party convention.

Martin Luther King Week & Wal-Mart

We are now approaching the end of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Week.

In observance, my classes this week are silent. A blissful hour of deathly silence, where we sit, without saying a word, and contemplate what could have been. And during the last ten minutes, we all weep.

We began preparation for this week in early January, immediately following the Kwanzaa Holiday. We discussed Dr. King's legacy for two weeks, and we will spend the entirety of February in observance of Black History Month -- where Dr. King's deeds will be a central focus.

Last year, we commemorated Black History Month by exploring how everything we have can be traced to slavery. As you might imagine, one month is hardly sufficient to trace the history of each item, but we did study how the things we take for granted are attributable to the slaves -- scientific proof that we owe everything to the slaves! In fact, my students were each assigned a paper that detailed the different contributions of slavery to the modern world.

If I were judgmental, every paper would have received an A+++! Everyone is the best!

Here is the list of slavery-related advances that they wrote about:

- Cotton shirts
- Steam engines
- Electric fans
- Petroleum jelly
- Sewing machines
- Pep-O-Mint
- Morse Code
- Kerosene heaters
- Classical music
- Perforated paper towels
- Pasteurized milk
- Transparent tape
- Electric soap dispensers
- Laparoscopic surgery
- Tattoo ink
- Rawhide chew toys
- Self-sealing envelopes
- Listerine
- Fruit labels
- Corrugated potato chips
- Dianetics
- Styrofoam peanuts
- Feminine hygiene products
- WD-40
- Long division
- Ramen noodles
- iPhones

This year, we will commemorate Black History Month by playing "role reversal"; i.e., each white student will pretend to be black, and each student of color will pretend to be a sadistic slave-owning Ice Monster. This will enable every ice student to at least begin to understand what Persons of Color must endure on a daily basis. (If this is successful, we will have similar role-reversals during Islamic History Month, and will see how much pain the role-reversed ice-students can endure at the hands of the Islamic "Zionists" before they reach for their government-subsidized suicide belts.)

Meanwhile, in the rest of the world, the Wal-Mart Killing Machine is continuing to grind their slaves into blood-soaked piles of human flesh:

Court Rejects Maryland's Anti-Wal-Mart Law

A federal appeals court on Wednesday said the State of Maryland may not require large retailers (Wal-Mart was the target) to spend 8 percent of their payrolls on health care for employees.

This says: Wal-Mart will continue to pile children's' corpses in their parking lots. This is not what Dr. Martin Luther King would have wanted. Therefore, if you defend Wal-Mart, you are attacking Dr. Martin Luther King. (Believe me, I've had students expelled for far lesser crimes than that.)

Did you know that all Wal-Mart stores are open on Martin Luther King week? As Dr. King rests in his grave, the Wal-Mart slavedrivers are still raping him! Why do we tolerate this? As Dr. King's fellow PhD (although I must point out that I possess three times as many degrees), I feel as though I am in his grave, being raped by Wal-Mart. Over and over, in my grave, being raped by Wal-Mart. Suffering the most hideous indignities and sexual violations in my place of rest. I am trapped by the insatiable Arkansas Monster and cannot fight back, for I am dead.

When will the people save me? In the name of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, PhD, these atrocities cannot go unpunished.

This is my dream.

I Go to Wal-Mart

I went for a bus ride today. It’s a statement of solidarity! The other passengers, like me, are the oppressed and the neglected. Their fight is my fight!

Anyway, I rode to the last stop and walked for about a mile until I found a Wal-Mart. I have never been in a Wal-Mart, and nor do I need to in order to know how they stain our society with their cruel and racist management. And so, I made a decision: I will go into Wal-Mart.

I entered the store, and was immediately “greeted” by a brainwashed agent who was no doubt intimidated by my righteous vibe.

I then stopped, frozen in awe of what I was looking at. For here, right in front of me, was the epicenter of capitalist oppression. As legions of uneducated shoppers pushed past me (with some very unflattering remarks), I gazed at the working class and their scars of exploitation.

I stood still.

I stood still and wept.

I wept for the unfortunate immigrants who were being underpaid. I wept for the sad lot of immigrants who were being fucked over by our criminal system of genocide against the working class. Hormonal secretions of solidarity were filling my every pore. My mind, as complex as it is, was being directed against my will into a state of pure rage and hatred. My very biological functions were acting against my body the temple, and I was never so determined to correct the injustices in front of me.

I marched to the service desk and demanded health benefits for myself.

"But you don't work here," they said in their typical sadistic manner.

"Your time is over, for I am an immigrant in your store!"

I had them cornered.

You see, I was not in the store earlier in the day. I was once in another part of the city. But today, I migrated on a public bus to Wal-Mart, and when I entered the store, I became an immigrant. A Wal-Mart immigrant.

And in solidarity with the immigrant protests of Workers Day on May 1, I too demanded fair treatment.

"As an immigrant, I demand payment! I demand a check for my health care! I demand a union-scale wage! I demand social justice!"

They gave a weak response: "But you don't work here."

"Oh really?" I said, as I knocked a jar of some non-organic food product onto the floor. Grabbing the phone, I yelled into the P.A. system, "CLEANUP AT THE SERVICE DESK!"

I stared at them: "Now I do work here. And I demand payment! And I demand a workers' takeover! And I demand your unearned profits! And I demand a boycott! And I demand advocacy protests and protests of advocacy and advocating protests! I DESERVE WHAT I DEMAND! WHERE ARE MY RIGHTS AS AN IMMIGRANT?"

However, I was fooled. Apparently, this was a "sting" operation, as a turned around and saw two thugs dressed in police uniforms. "Hello, Professor," said the whiter of the two, in his most mean-spirited Christian manner. "We haven't seen you in over a week. Maybe you would like to leave on your own?"

As always, I won the battle, and I will also win the war. No, we will win the war. As part of the oppressed class, I know the meaning of suffering, and it makes me fight even harder.

I left the store, weeping. Weeping for the ghastly annihilation left behind me, the grisly extermination of an entire class of people.

The People Defeat Wal-Mart

Maryland legislated that Wal-Mart pay at least 8% of their payroll on employee health benefits. This is a victory for working people.

In fact, when my plumber recently charged $1,000 to install low-flush toilets, I told him, "Sorry, but I shall pay you only $920, and send the remaining $80 to your dentist to retain for your next tooth cleaning." Of course, he was grateful, and viewed this as a personal victory.

But I wonder: Why only 8%? Nothing is more important than health care, so why not 10% or 20%? Or, for that matter, why not 100%? Wouldn't it be prudent to force all employers to pay all wages in the from of health benefits?