Friday, March 17, 2006

A Letter to a Young Man

There is a conversation on the People's Cube that involves a very misguided young man who yearns for help. I heard his cries, and helped by crafting a letter to him. The entire conversation is here, but if you only want to read the educational part (i.e., my thoughts), I have reproduced my letter below:


My name is Professor Peter Alan Kurgman, cousin of economist Paul Kurgman, and I have three Ph.Ds.

I have been reading your intelligent commentaries with great satisfaction because you could have been one of my own pupils. Of course, you were not really in my classes, as your MIT pedigree includes being educated by professors who, at most, have only one Ph.D. My educated guess (as though it would be possible for me to have any other type of guess!) is that you too have a Ph.D., because of your eloquent locution and incisive analyses.

And yet, you betray your innocent youth by asking questions that have long been answered by those with expertise; i.e., me. Specifically, in reference to the "burning towers", you ask, "Why did they do it?" Well, for starters,we really don't know if those "9/11" attacks actually happened. But if they did, they were caused by a combination of many complex factors:

1. A Mossad plan to frame Arabs.

2. Resistance against the "little Eichmanns" in the buildings.

3. Bush's secret plan to distract the nation from his corrupt oil deals, his stolen elections, his genocide in Iraq, his upcoming genocide in Iran, his goal of establishing a Christian theocracy, and his vice-president's cold-blooded shooting that I will never forget.

4. A divine plan to resolve nineteen personal inner struggles.

And then you ask another earnest, yet naive, question: "Could we find different ways of preventing this from happening?"

Of course we can. In fact, we (meaning our small collective of powerful academic minds) are responsible for the course of all human actions. You see, people are driven by deterministic components; i.e., they have no choice in how they behave. Our professorial input goes in and their personal behavior comes out.

If people succeed, it is because of our visions. If people fail, it is because we did not pursue our visions with enough vigor.

Therefore, with regard to "9/11", we did not pursue our visions hard enough. To be sure, the easy solutions would be to...

1. Abolish the Zionist entity.

2. Imprison the little Eichmanns and all other exploiting capitalists.

3. Impeach, and imprison, Bush.

4. Promote Islam.

But as theoreticians, we (that is, "I") look at the big picture, which is the total application of international scientific socialism in order to subjugate the capitalist class and finally bring true power and equality to the working people. Will you help us make it a reality?

Now, allow me to help you with some of your misguided comments.

Yes, you can wait for time and maturity to clear your thoughts, but it will be faster if I guide you. You may think of me as your Father of Knowledge. If you are a Christian (which I doubt, given your advanced level of education), then you may think of me as your new and better Jesus.

1. You defend Google. Are you not aware that Google is a private (Strike one!) profit-making (Strike two!) American (Strike three!) company? As we all know, the only path to profits is on the backs of the poor. How is it that you have not mentioned the unionization of all Google employees? For that matter, you claim to have worked at Microsoft, which is a non-union shop! Are you aware that your employment at Microsoft took a job away from a union employee? No, you are not aware of that. But, please, never accept employment at a non-union shop again.

2. Your aunt, by believing that "the enemies of the people existed and needed to be squashed" was a wise woman. Do you not empathize with that?

3. You place equal blame on both parties, and on liberals and conservatives. Were you my intellectual equal (which might happen someday!) I would challenge you to mention even one liberal ideal, one cause supported by Code Pink, or one goal of United for Peace and Justice, that is flawed in any way.

4. You say you agree with parts of "The Fountainhead". Please reread that book. I never even picked it up and I detest everything about it. Only through youthful indiscretion could you find anything even remotely positive about that vile volume of fascist trash.

5. You attended a school with Noam Chomsky on the faculty, and did not take one of his classes? I hope you never regret that.

6. You would consider joining the military? The military? First, you do not support unions, and now you would support the military? I spent my entire sophomore year camping outside the dean's office (without changing my clothing even once!) to resist the military, and you would support the military?

7. As a feminist, I take great offense at your mention of "sagging breasts". Do you really intend to diminish and objectify an entire gender like that? And I'll bet you like having sex with them, too! Why not? After all, what else are they good for! I suppose that you also feel that womyn come with "expiration dates"? And that they cannot be firepersons? That they cannot succeed in the NFL?

Yes, a person with less sympathy than yours truly could easily paint you as an exploitative, misogynistic, and militaristic fascist. But as your new Jesus, I forgive you.

Normally, when I hear offensive speech, I either call a boycott or call my lawyer. But in your case, I have sincere hope that you can and will be educated without legal action. You see, this is where I disagree with Mr. Red Square. He blames your education, but I do not. Clearly, you went to the wrong school and studied the wrong disciplines. Science and computers certainly have their place for those with shallow, numeric minds -- but you have the potential to continue beyond that, into the dimensions of feelings and expression.

Let your emotions guide you, and remember my helpfulness.

You are, after all, a person with unlimited potential.

Professor Peter Alan Kurgman, Ph.D., Ph.D, Ph.D.

"Keep your feet on the ground, and reach for the stars."


Laika the Space Dog said...

Zippy is back, he had another aneurysm. BP 110/60 and dropping fast. Do something! I know your degrees are Ph.D's and not M.D.'s but you can bond with his soul and do a mind meld and maybe fix him him withou surgery?

A.C #1 said...

You're the funniest! Im blogrolling you.

A.C #1 said...

You're the funniest! Im blogrolling you.

A.C #1 said...

You're the funniest! Im blogrolling you.

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