Musings on Other Cultures VIII: Cannibalism

From Papua New Guinea to the Donner Party to Jeffery Dahmer, cannibalism has been a popular cultural trait that few in our sick Western world have come to appreciate.

And, I am ashamed to say, even I am reticent to endorse cannibalism.

To be sure, cannibalism seems like a respectful activity. That is, if aboriginal people indulge in it, then there must be merit to it. But then, I put on my vegan hat, and I say, "Eating meat is wrong". Hence, a true dilemma ensues, which can only be resolved by a sharp and focused academic mind after many hours of self-reflection.

But I now hear you cry, "Professor Kurgman, cannibalism is only eating meat if you consider humans to be animals! And certainly, humans are beneath animals!"

I hear your cries. Humans are beneath animals. And that makes me ponder and ponder. And ponder and ponder and ponder and ponder and ponder and ponder and ponder. Can one be a vegan and enjoy eating human flesh? Or, in my case, can one be a freegan who eats the flesh of corpses decomposing in dumpsters? Does it matter if the corpse is male or female? (Remember, if it's female, there's a hideous sexist element that must be considered!)

The sphere of academic inquiry is mind-boggling: Can one eat the fecal matter of a male vegan corpse?

And yet, there is a solution. The government should manufacture human organs made of tofu (or vegan feces), and pay people of warm sun cultures to substitute human flesh with these tofu organs. We all win this way. The culture of cannibalism can thrive, veganism (and our government!) can spread, taxes will go up, and I will have yet another notch in my well-worn "helping humanity" cap.

I must go at once to the food coop to demand that they stock these products! (And perhaps I can volunteer to produce some!)