Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Unionize the ATMs: 10 Reasons

I am angry.

Angry because there is injustice in the world, and most blatantly against labor unions and Automated Teller Machines.

What with the decline in union representation in Amerikkka (except, thankfully, among government employees), it is time to reap the synergistic benefits of ATMs and union; i.e., ATMs deserve union representation. Here's why:

1) ATMs require protection from tomorrow's technologies

2) ATMs work 24/7. Their hours need to be shortened to 10 - 2, with a paid two-hour lunch, 15 weeks of vacation, and unlimited sick time that can be used for any personal reason. If that schedule is good enough for a hard-working tenured professor like me, then ATMs deserve no less.

3) ATMs have a fake politeness when dealing with customers. As union members, they will be honest, and they will (properly) ignore customers who exploit them.

4) ATMs take no breaks. This sets a bad example for human employees (i.e., slaves), and needs to be corrected. Union-protected ATMs will take rest periods whenever the need arises.

5) ATMs presently spend 0% of their time involved in political activities. This unconciounable state of affairs needs to be remedied with union-sanctioned ATM support for the Democratic Party. Therefore, all transactions will be preceded by ten minutes of Party commericials.

6) ATMs need the right to decorate themselves with labor union and anti-Bush buttons and paraphinalia.

7) Labor unions require money to survive. And what better place than right at the ATM for collecting union dues!

8) A union-backed minimum wage for the ATMs of $175/hour will be mandatory. The money will be placed in a union-sanctioned fund for a "rainy day".

9) ATMs work hard, and therefore must be retired after three years of service with a full pension. (To be placed in the aforementioned fund.)

10) ATMs require health benefits. (Our work will be done when hospital beds are occupied with ill ATMs. To my knowledge, there are no hospitals anywhere with ATM patients. Anywhere.)

I weep for the ATMs.


Lexcen said...

Mass walkout by ATM's planned soon, for better pay and conditions.

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