I am Palestinian!

I am Palestinian.

From the dawn of civilization, men have behaved cruelly towards one another -- raping, pillaging, stealing, oppressing, polluting, exploiting, profiteering, and so forth. This list of atrocities is endless. How are we to synthesize the suffering of humans? How can it be expressed as a single word? A word, indeed, that tugs at the heart and rests in the bowels of our collective consciousness?

Let me reveal an incident that happened in the food co-op yesterday. I was perusing the shelves looking for some ginger Soy-Moo to relieve a distressing gastric disorder, and realized they were out of stock. (Well, that's capitalism for you.) But I saw a glimmer in a floor crevice. What is this? Mouse droppings! I was tempted to try them because they were pre-digested and would therefore not be a burden on my constitution. But sadly, they were animal products.

Or are they? The co-op mice, I realized, subsist on organic food. So, their feces are, strictly speaking, organic. And, to make matters even better, mice feces are free -- the way everything ought to be.

I gave in to temptation, and knelt over. Then, I crouched onto all fours, lowered my head, and dragged my tongue on the floor -- and with the adhesion of epoxy, the droppings clung to my tongue. After moistening them with my salivary excretions, I swallowed. This was ecstasy. I immediately curled into a fetal position, emitted flatulence, and scoured the crevice for more feces.

And then I heard a voice. It was the store manager, commanding me to get up. Not even in Hitler's was there as grotesque a barbarian as the store manager. I stared back, from the floor. My beard was smudged with mouse excreta and my bottom was in a pool of some days-old spilled dairy product. I ran my tongue through the fecal matter in my teeth. And the store manager was violating my very being by denying my most basic human rights.

I started to tremble. My blood pressure rose. A liquid passed from my anal cavity. And I rose. Like a warrior with nothing left to lose, I rose. And I stared at Hitler. And I stared at the accumulating brownshirt customers. And as I summoned my every last ounce of strength, I felt invulnerable. The air was thick with tension and the aroma of my bodily excretions. And at once, I threw my head back, and raised my clenched fists and said softly: "I am Palestinan"

"Yes, I am Palestinian."

"OH YES, I AM PALESTINIAN!"

I wailed to the world: "SAY IT AGAIN! OHHHH YE-E-ESSS!! I. AM. PALESTINIAN!"

The Zionists of the food co-op were defeated! I threw off my shackles and in my triumphant delirium, I projectile vomited my digested feces onto the fresh produce. With stomach acids dripping from my beard, I exited from the food co-op, promising to never, never, stop fighting.

I am Palestinian!