Kerry Was Right: Morons DO Join The Military!

Why the commotion over Senator Kerry's remarks? Isn't it true that dumb people are more likely to end up in the military?

I ask you: How many people get a PhD and then become cannon fodder for the Republicans’ racist oil wars? And I'll bet there are no triple-PhDs in the army! I can assure you, my loyal readers, that I certainly had no intentions of serving in Vietnam! Teaching deferment? Check! Student deferment? Check! Ambiguous sexual-leanings deferment? Check! Conscientious objector deferment? Check!

Now, you might ask, "Professor, what if there was a moral war? Like perhaps one to defend Socialism against its Amerikkkan and Zionist enemies? Would you then contribute?"

And I would answer, "Not when there are morons to serve in my place. Just ask Senator Kerry!"

Simply put, my contributions to society are indispensable -- indeed, too valuable to be stifled by the oppressiveness of a cold and uncaring army. But morons are entirely replaceable; they should be quite willing to defend Socialism in the name of enlightened educators -- the very educators who they will never meet because they were raised by dumb people in Christian parts of the country where lynchings are still daily occurrences. They are the ones who are destined to put on a uniform! (And yes, I’ve been known to sometimes don military garb in the tradition of legendary leaders such as Fidel and Kim Jong-Il, although I would be happier if President Kim wore natural fibers).

I'm a fighter for the people -- the bravest type of fighter! Not one who takes the easy way out by taking orders from a moron in an Amerikkkan uniform, but a fighter who takes dangerous risks by developing ideas, instigating change, and advocating for the working class. Anyone can take gunfire. But only the most educated people, indeed, the very crust of the academic pie -- can resist the right-wing fascists in the halls of academia.

Only the most tenured can slay the fascist monsters by bravely speaking the truth. Our enemies do not fear guns, but they are petrified by my words.

Fortunately, none of my educated students (and yes, they are very educated) have any desire to risk their lives for Halliburton's blood-profits. And I encourage this every day by reminding them that academic resistance is the only way to defeat our common enemies of Zionism, capitalism, and the fraudulent so-called "nation" of Amerikkka.

Senator Kerry, you have an open invitation to speak to my students. And you will not have to worry about any morons in the room; they're in the army instead!