From the Mailbag: Troubled Mom

A distraught mother sent this message to me today; a plea to help her son:

Dear Professor,

I cannot overstate how much your blog means to me. You have the courage to SAY WHAT NO ONE ELSE WILL SAY!!!!!!!

My son is a junior in high school and I desperately want him to be exposed to passionate scholars such as you. He has a 2400 on his SAT's, straight A's, high scores on 32 Advanced Placement Tests and a brilliant varsity football record. The problem is I fear I will not be able to afford the excellent education you provide. To this end, my husband and I have been working 80 hours a week each since our son (whose name escapes me, but it will come back) was born to put aside the requisite $4.5 million for his college tuition. I pray fervently that we will have enough. His life depends on it, oh wise one!

In the meantime, I will try to expose him to your thought-provoking commentary on our sorry times. Why can't anyone else say what you are saying?

To which I helpfully responded:

Thank you for your recognition of my unique contributions to the public discourse.

May I suggest that your son will have far more difficulties that you can imagine? That is, we can predict with complete certainty that his participation in the patriarchal sport of "football" will inevitably be translated into explosive outbursts of misogynistic violence.

Furthermore, you are setting a bad example on his impressionable mind by performing 80 hours of slavery every week. Our government, currently occupied by filthy-rich hegemonic barbarians, should be your source for free money. Please look into this.

I also wonder why you have neglected to mention any concern about your daughters. Apparently, your entire family has been conditioned by our male-dominated society to further the degradation of women. It is not your fault, however, as you too are a victim of capitalism's systemic gendercide.

With all that said, I nevertheless encourage you to compel your son to read my articles. For his own good, he should forego football and instead prepare essays that support and confirm my insights. He needs to be pointed in right direction.

I now need to go to the lecture hall to speak to 400 eager political science majors. Although my talk was scheduled to begin twenty minutes ago, it was in society's interest that I respond to your correspondence instead. The students will wait for me.

Sincerely,

Professor Peter Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD