Democrats: Real Security

Have you seen the new Real Security Plan announced by the Democratic Party today? It almost makes me want to switch my official party affiliation to Democrat! But then, we agree on so much anyway that it hardly matters which party I belong to.

In any event, the Democrats have synthesized a strategy into five plans of action. After six years of Bush confusion, the Democrats will solve everything in five steps. Just like that!

1) 21st Century Military

Enact a GI Bill of Rights for the 21st Century that guarantees our troops -- active, reserve, and retired -- our veterans, and their families receive the pay, health care, mental health services, and other benefits they have earned and deserve.

Even I never considered the possibility that soldiers should have their own Bill of Rights. Good for the Democratic Party! Soldiers, past, present, future, and all of their relatives, really do deserve free lifetime benefits for everything. Put another way, if civilians are entitled to free lifetime benefits, then why not include the military, too?

Now, you might say something like, “But Professor Kurgman, the military is comprised of murderers!” But you would be wrong because the Democratic plan also says that troops will…

… never [be] sent to war without accurate intelligence and a strategy for success.

And since it is impossible to obtain “accurate intelligence” (especially since I won’t cooperate), and it is impossible to guarantee success in any war, that means that thousands of military people will be receiving free lifetime benefits without having the possibility of fighting in a war!

Today, soldiers; tomorrow, everyone else.

2) War on Terror

Double the size of our Special Forces, increase our human intelligence capabilities, and ensure our intelligence is free from political pressure.

Double the size of the workforce! Increase capabilities (and budgets)! No political pressure! Just do whatever feels right, as long as there’s no fighting!

Instead, let’s have real combat:

Eliminate terrorist breeding grounds by combating the economic, social, and political conditions that allow extremism to thrive; lead international efforts to uphold and defend human rights; and renew longstanding alliances that have advanced our national security objectives.

After reading that paragraph, I really do want to switch party affiliations. It’s going to take a lot of money and a lot of academic power to address all those root causes! Combating economic conditions (capitalism), social conditions (Christianism), and political conditions (Zionism) will be some job. But together with our "renewed longstanding alliances" (France, Russia, Saudi Arabia, etc.) we’ll get it done.

3) Homeland Security

Prevent outsourcing of critical components of our national security infrastructure -- such as ports, airports and mass transit -- to foreign interests that put America at risk.

I use mass transit a lot. And when I take the bus to work, I just know that the vehicle construction was outsourced to some non-union sweatshop. American jobs for the American working class! Buses made by American labor is essential for security.

4) Iraq

Basically, it would be good-bye to Iraq; we’ll end our genocide. But even better:

Hold the Bush Administration accountable for its manipulated pre-war intelligence, poor planning and contracting abuses…

I assume that this means a People’s Trial for criminals Bush, Cheney and all the other murderous thugs that associate (or have ever associated) with them, like John Ashcroft, Paul Wolfowitz, Condoleeza Rice, Clarence Thomas, the Bush daughters, Nancy Reagan, Sam Walton’s heirs, the Boards of Directors of all Fortune 500 companies, the editorial board of Fortune, and the entire Israeli Government (except for its Arab members of parliament).

5) Energy Independence

Achieve energy independence for America by 2020 by eliminating reliance on oil from the Middle East and other unstable regions of the world. Increase production of alternate fuels from America's heartland including bio-fuels, geothermal, clean coal, fuel cells, solar and wind; promote hybrid and flex fuel vehicle technology and manufacturing; enhance energy efficiency and conservation incentives.

Since every part of the world is unstable, this means no more oil. Good. Much better to tax rich (i.e., all) businesses to pay for bio-fuels and clean coal. But the important part is conservation incentives. I’ve already started conserving by recycling my feces (why does the recycling truck usually not take this?) and by inviting illegal aliens to sleep in the corridors of my university.

Incidentally, did you see which words were missing from the Security Plan? There are no fascist terms like “victory”, “win”, “Western”, “culture”, “liberty”, or “freedom”. And there is also no racist scapegoating of Islam. There is no mention of Islam!

I am proud to support the Democrats.