Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Extended Warranties: Make Them Mandatory!

Have you ever been cheated by unscrupulous businesses? The answer, of course, is: "When have I not been cheated by unscrupulous businesses!"

As we know from basic economic theory, all profits come from either the exploitation or the plundering of the working class. Some other time, we'll discuss the exploitation of the working class, but for now, I would like to focus on the plundering of the working class.

Just as nations became rich by stealing from the disadvantaged (think of Amerika plundering Venezuela, Amerika plundering Grenada, Amerika plundering Nicaragua, Amerika plundering Iraq, Amerika threatening to plunder Iran, etc., etc., etc.), businesses became rich by stealing from the poor-- the bigger the business, the more that was stolen.

Turning our attention to the biggest business, Wal-Mart, we note that they have become rich and powerful by selling defective merchandise to their customers (who, I may add, would never shop at Wal-Mart if they had a choice). The customers bring their products home, they break, and then they pay to re-purchase them. Is it a coincidence that Wal-Mart hardly ever offers extended warranties on their merchandise? No it is not; honesty is inimical to profits.

Allow me to relate a recent personal experience.

At the food coop the other day, I purchased a container of extra-soft tofu. (It was for my digestive issues; some other time, I will dicuss them in great detail.) The tofu cost $1.99, and upon being charged, I demanded an extended warranty.

"If this tofu does not relieve my digestive ailment," I thundered at the cashier, "I will need a replacement product. I demand an extended warranty!"

The cashier feigned ignorance, and told me that the food coop does not offer extended warranties on soft tofu.

At this point I lost justifiably lost my patience and screamed, "WHAT? Did I inadvertently walk into a Wal-Mart? I DEMAND to see the manager at once!"

The manager came out, and I informed him that it was my right, and that it was every person's right, to get an extended warranty. The manager then asked, "Aren't you the guy who was recently in here demanding reparations?"

At that point, I knew how the tortured prisoners at Guantanamo felt, and then, within an inch of the manager's face, I told him that, as a black woman, I will not endure such disrespect.

No, I am not a black woman. But at that moment, when he brought up the topic of reparations, I felt a surge of commonality with my sisters who are still under the yolk of slave-driving racist pigs such as the one standing in front of me.

As the manager wiped my spittle off his face, I promised him that I will never stop fighting for the right of every person to have extended warranties on every purchase.

"Listen to me, you right-wing profiteering scum, and I will explain why everyone is entitled to extended warranties. Have you ever been sick? Have you ever tried getting health care in this depraved country? Well, there are plenty of poor people, old people, young people, minorities, and unemployed who have no access to health care and they simply crawl into the gutter and die when they are not feeling well. That's why we fight for universal health care, and its why we have public education, public housing, public transportation, Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, HUD grants, farm programs, energy subsidies, and especially academic grants. People must be protected from the likes of you, and this is accomplished by government generosity. Your damn products are going to fail, and people need protection. And not the false protection of so-called "choice", but the real protection of an all-encompassing guarantee.

"But not everyone can afford to pay for extended warranties -- they have other expenses to pay, like taxes. You therefore can't give them a choice. Instead, you just have to give them. Give them what they need to survive. Give them extended warranties on every product, everywhere, every time. And the people are not asking you, they are demanding it."

If the people deserve universal health insurance, then they also deserve universal consumer-product insurance. If it works with one, it must work with the other.

And, as it happened, the tofu did not ease my digestive issues. So, the next day, I called who anyone would call when they are not feeling well: The ACLU. My experience at the food coop was akin to getting raped. And I will see the rapists in court.

I detest Amerika.


A.C #1 said...

Dr. Dr. Dr. Kurgman, although you are truly enlightened most of the time, you seem to have missed out here.... Next time, try organic soy milk. It should settle your digestive issues better than soft tofu.

Professor Peter Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD said...

Sir -

I took your advice and purchased some organic soy milk at the food coop today. And for extra wholesomeness, I added two tablespoons of freeze-dried Brussels sprouts powder.

Consequently, my entire digestive tract convulsed with an orgasmic eruption that was noticed by almost everyone in the lecture hall.

Thank you for the culinary advice.

A.C #1 said...

Anything I can do to help keep your enlightened mind functioning at peak performance. The students need you, Dr. Dr. Dr.

Anonymous said...

May I ask, Dr. Dr. Dr. Kurgman what he/she was lecturing on in the lecture hall?

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