Sunday, June 18, 2006

Take My Final Exam

Here is a final exam that I gave to my students in my graduate course on Postconceptual Exploitative Discourses. As expected, most of them passed.

See how well you do; answer each question with complete honesty. My guess is that you too will easily pass.

1. What is your gender?

A) Male (0 points)

B) Female (+5 points)

C) Transgender (+15 points)

2. What is your household income?

A) > $1M (-50 points)

B) bet. $200G and $1M (-30 points)

C) bet. $50G and $200G (-20 points)

D) bet. $20G and $50G (0 points)

E) <$20G (+5 points)

F) On public assistance (+10 points)

G) I need to speak with my parole officer to answer that question (+25 points)

3. Have you ever reported anyone to the IRS?

A) No (-10 points)

B) Yes, an acquaintance (+5 points)

C) Yes, a friend (+10 points)

D) Yes, a parent (+20 points)

4. Your ethnicity is…

A) White (-10 points)

B) All other (0 points, and skip the next question)

5. How many diverse (i.e., non-white) friends do you have?

A) None (-10)

B) 1 – 5 (0)

C) 6 or more (+10)

6. Does a person's ethnicity or race influence whether they will be your friend?

A) No, I am color-blind and judge people as individuals (-20 points)

B) I try to ignore their race, but if I do have Diverse Friend, I will brag about it (0 points)

C) I actively seek Friends of Diversity; it makes me a complete human being (+5 points)

D) I only associate with Diverse races; to behave otherwise is inhuman (+10 points)

7. What is your religious belief?

A) Christian (-15 points)

B) Jewish (-5 points)

C) Unitarian Universalist (0 points)

D) Atheist (+5 points)

E) New Age (+10 points)

F) Muslim (+25 points)

8. Your 17-year old son announces he is gay. Do you immediately…

A) Pray for his salvation (-15)

B) Accept it with some reservation (-10)

C) Accept it as natural and move on (-5)

D) Celebrate (+5)

E) Call a lawyer to file some discrimination suits (+15)

9. How would you react if your daughter came home wearing a burka?

A) I would explain that she is wearing a garment associated with religious fanaticism (-10 points)

B) I would be relieved that at least she won't get pregnant (-5 points)

C) I would beam with pride, knowing that she has embraced a diverse multicultural lifestyle (+10 points)

10. Which of the following do you regularly purchase used?

A) Books (0 points)

B) Outer wear (0 points)

C) Socks (+5 points)

D) Underwear (+10 points)

E) Feminine hygiene products (+15 points)

F) Condoms (+20 points)

11. Of the following people, whom do you respect the most?

A) George W. Bush (-100 points)

B) Ayn Rand (-75 points)

C) Ronald Reagan (-50 points)

D) Thomas Jefferson (-25 points)

E) Clarence Thomas (-20 points)

F) Christopher Columbus (-15 points)

G) Nelson Mandella (0 points)

I) Jacques Chirac (0 points)

J) Howard Dean (+5 points)

K) Josef Stalin (+10 points)

L) George Soros (+15 points)

M) Michael Moore (+20 points)

N) Saddam Hussein (+25 points)

O) Mumia Abu-Jamal (+30 points)

12. The “attacks” of 9/11 were the fault of:

A) Fanatic Muslims intent on murdering non-believers (-20)

B) President Clinton: He was banging Monica instead of bombing Al Qaeda camps (-20)

C) Terrorists, ambiguous terrorists (-5)

D) Me, you, and everyone else who was insensitive to the grievances of People of Diversity (+5)

E) The 3000 Little Eichmanns who reported to the World Trade Center that day, and the 1000 Zionists who stayed home (+20)

13. If your home is invaded by a burglar, how would you most likely respond?

A) I would aim for the head (-20)

B) I would try to call the police (-10)

C) I would try to understand his innermost feelings (0)

D) I would let him know that his predicament is all my fault (+5)

E) I would offer to join him if we go after the neighborhood Republicans (+10)

14.You discover a dead rat in your basement. What do you do with it?

A) Nothing, I do not live in a neighborhood with rats (-20)

B) Throw it out (-5)

C) Recycle and Reuse it! I would knit a sweater from it (+5)

D) Complete the Cycle of Life by eating it (+10)

E) Toss it at a non-union construction site (+15)

F) Toss it at a Wal-Mart (+20)

G) Smear its blood on the wall of my nearest corporate office park (+25)

H) Choice (G), and tossing its carcass at the CEO as he leaves the building (+30)

15.Which flag do you display at your house?

A) Confederate (-30)

B) American (-15)

C) Cuban (-10)

D) Italian or Irish (-5)

E) Other Carribean (0)

F) Rainbow (+5)

G) Anything with a crescent (+10)

H) CCCP (+15)

I) Anything with either a fist or an automatic weapon (+20)

16.Which is your favorite form of relaxation?

A) Driving my Hummer (-20)

B) My backyard pool (-10)

C) Watching a ballgame (-5)

D) Nature walks (0)

E) Group therapy to relieve collective guilt (+5)

F) Protesting oil wars in front of my nearest Citibank (+15)

17. Where did you spend your last vacation?

A) Church trip to the Holy Land (-15)

B) Touring the USA (-10)

C) Touring Europe (-5)

D) Touring France (0)

E) Agitating for Revolution in Central America (+5)

F) Lying in front of Zionist bulldozers in the Gaza Strip (+10)

18.Which is your preferred place to shop?

A) Wal-Mart (-15 points)

B) A food co-op (+5 points)

C) Goodwill store (+10 points)

D) Freegan dumpster diving (+20 points)

19. What is the capacity of your toilet tank?

A) 5 Gallons (-10 points)

B) 3 Gallons (-5 points)

C) 1 Gallon (0 points)

D) No water; I just "go" in the street (+5 points)

E) No water; I use a neighbor’s lawn to be eco-friendly to the grass (+20 points)

20. Do you recycle?

A) Never (-20 points)

B) Yes, newspapers and bottles (0 points)

C) Yes, and I reuse paper cups and plates (+5 points)

D) Yes, and I reuse toilet paper (+10 points)

E) Toilet paper is a waste of precious resources; I use my bare hand (+15 points)


21. What percentage of your net income do you donate to progressive causes?

A) <25%>

B) 25% - 50% (+5 points)

C) 51% - 99% (+10 points)

D) 100% Purity (+75 points)

Add your score. Double-check it; was it correct? If yes, subtract another ten points for academic insensitivity.

Is the total negative? Then you are a racist enemy of the working class; your days of ruling over the people will end soon. Fascist.


Laika the Space Dog said...

Grading is so degrading and discriminatory. This was a trick test, wasn't it Dr. Kurgman? I can't believe a progressive universitity such as yours would stoop to such an outdated idea as passing a test.
Tests are like borders. There are guards at the border who decide who can pass and who can't. Are saying you're a border guard? Of course not! Do I get my Doctorate now?

Gorrest Fump said...

Dear Professor Krugman,

I could not ancer sum of the qestons becuze my ansers wer difurnt.

2) I make five cent an hour and I cant ask my parole officer anything until they assign me one after the parole board meets in a cuple yeers.

7) I am part one of the followers of Hassan the Assasin. That makes me Muslim I guess, but maybe some extra points? I specialize in Evil Zionist Pigs.

8) I kill him because he has defiled the Word of Allah!]

11) Osama Bin Laden

16) Reading the academic writings of Professor Krugman. I ust ta read the footnotes until Perfessur Churchill tole me not to. He tole me I'll defenerstate YOU, you fac, er fac - er Pig, then shuved me out the winder. I landed right on my head on the sidewalk - so I wuz OK.

17) In a 'finishing school' located in Afghanistan....

19) I useta use the neighnors lawn til he shuved a 45 in my mouth and tole me he wanted to see my brains. But I had nun so he let me go. Now I du my dooty on lawns of rish zionist pigs.

20) I use the pages of the Zionist Rupert Murdoc rage the New York Post 'cause it's right there on the front porch of the Zionists. Or anything with the word Jewish or Christian in the title.

21) I don't give nuthin of mine, but I take goodlookin' watches from rish people and practically give 'em away to the fence. That count?

My score? I cain't make it come out the same way anyway I try? Wudja help pleeze?

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