Take My Final Exam

Here is a final exam that I gave to my students in my graduate course on Postconceptual Exploitative Discourses. As expected, most of them passed.

See how well you do; answer each question with complete honesty. My guess is that you too will easily pass.

1. What is your gender?

A) Male (0 points)

B) Female (+5 points)

C) Transgender (+15 points)

2. What is your household income?

A) > $1M (-50 points)

B) bet. $200G and $1M (-30 points)

C) bet. $50G and $200G (-20 points)

D) bet. $20G and $50G (0 points)

E) <$20G (+5 points)

F) On public assistance (+10 points)

G) I need to speak with my parole officer to answer that question (+25 points)

3. Have you ever reported anyone to the IRS?

A) No (-10 points)

B) Yes, an acquaintance (+5 points)

C) Yes, a friend (+10 points)

D) Yes, a parent (+20 points)

4. Your ethnicity is…

A) White (-10 points)

B) All other (0 points, and skip the next question)

5. How many diverse (i.e., non-white) friends do you have?

A) None (-10)

B) 1 – 5 (0)

C) 6 or more (+10)

6. Does a person's ethnicity or race influence whether they will be your friend?

A) No, I am color-blind and judge people as individuals (-20 points)

B) I try to ignore their race, but if I do have Diverse Friend, I will brag about it (0 points)

C) I actively seek Friends of Diversity; it makes me a complete human being (+5 points)

D) I only associate with Diverse races; to behave otherwise is inhuman (+10 points)

7. What is your religious belief?

A) Christian (-15 points)

B) Jewish (-5 points)

C) Unitarian Universalist (0 points)

D) Atheist (+5 points)

E) New Age (+10 points)

F) Muslim (+25 points)

8. Your 17-year old son announces he is gay. Do you immediately…

A) Pray for his salvation (-15)

B) Accept it with some reservation (-10)

C) Accept it as natural and move on (-5)

D) Celebrate (+5)

E) Call a lawyer to file some discrimination suits (+15)

9. How would you react if your daughter came home wearing a burka?

A) I would explain that she is wearing a garment associated with religious fanaticism (-10 points)

B) I would be relieved that at least she won't get pregnant (-5 points)

C) I would beam with pride, knowing that she has embraced a diverse multicultural lifestyle (+10 points)

10. Which of the following do you regularly purchase used?

A) Books (0 points)

B) Outer wear (0 points)

C) Socks (+5 points)

D) Underwear (+10 points)

E) Feminine hygiene products (+15 points)

F) Condoms (+20 points)

11. Of the following people, whom do you respect the most?

A) George W. Bush (-100 points)

B) Ayn Rand (-75 points)

C) Ronald Reagan (-50 points)

D) Thomas Jefferson (-25 points)

E) Clarence Thomas (-20 points)

F) Christopher Columbus (-15 points)

G) Nelson Mandella (0 points)

I) Jacques Chirac (0 points)

J) Howard Dean (+5 points)

K) Josef Stalin (+10 points)

L) George Soros (+15 points)

M) Michael Moore (+20 points)

N) Saddam Hussein (+25 points)

O) Mumia Abu-Jamal (+30 points)

12. The “attacks” of 9/11 were the fault of:

A) Fanatic Muslims intent on murdering non-believers (-20)

B) President Clinton: He was banging Monica instead of bombing Al Qaeda camps (-20)

C) Terrorists, ambiguous terrorists (-5)

D) Me, you, and everyone else who was insensitive to the grievances of People of Diversity (+5)

E) The 3000 Little Eichmanns who reported to the World Trade Center that day, and the 1000 Zionists who stayed home (+20)

13. If your home is invaded by a burglar, how would you most likely respond?

A) I would aim for the head (-20)

B) I would try to call the police (-10)

C) I would try to understand his innermost feelings (0)

D) I would let him know that his predicament is all my fault (+5)

E) I would offer to join him if we go after the neighborhood Republicans (+10)

14.You discover a dead rat in your basement. What do you do with it?

A) Nothing, I do not live in a neighborhood with rats (-20)

B) Throw it out (-5)

C) Recycle and Reuse it! I would knit a sweater from it (+5)

D) Complete the Cycle of Life by eating it (+10)

E) Toss it at a non-union construction site (+15)

F) Toss it at a Wal-Mart (+20)

G) Smear its blood on the wall of my nearest corporate office park (+25)

H) Choice (G), and tossing its carcass at the CEO as he leaves the building (+30)

15.Which flag do you display at your house?

A) Confederate (-30)

B) American (-15)

C) Cuban (-10)

D) Italian or Irish (-5)

E) Other Carribean (0)

F) Rainbow (+5)

G) Anything with a crescent (+10)

H) CCCP (+15)

I) Anything with either a fist or an automatic weapon (+20)

16.Which is your favorite form of relaxation?

A) Driving my Hummer (-20)

B) My backyard pool (-10)

C) Watching a ballgame (-5)

D) Nature walks (0)

E) Group therapy to relieve collective guilt (+5)

F) Protesting oil wars in front of my nearest Citibank (+15)

17. Where did you spend your last vacation?

A) Church trip to the Holy Land (-15)

B) Touring the USA (-10)

C) Touring Europe (-5)

D) Touring France (0)

E) Agitating for Revolution in Central America (+5)

F) Lying in front of Zionist bulldozers in the Gaza Strip (+10)

18.Which is your preferred place to shop?

A) Wal-Mart (-15 points)

B) A food co-op (+5 points)

C) Goodwill store (+10 points)

D) Freegan dumpster diving (+20 points)

19. What is the capacity of your toilet tank?

A) 5 Gallons (-10 points)

B) 3 Gallons (-5 points)

C) 1 Gallon (0 points)

D) No water; I just "go" in the street (+5 points)

E) No water; I use a neighbor’s lawn to be eco-friendly to the grass (+20 points)

20. Do you recycle?

A) Never (-20 points)

B) Yes, newspapers and bottles (0 points)

C) Yes, and I reuse paper cups and plates (+5 points)

D) Yes, and I reuse toilet paper (+10 points)

E) Toilet paper is a waste of precious resources; I use my bare hand (+15 points)

ADD AN ADDITIONAL 10 POINTS IF YOU ANSWERED "E" TO BOTH OF THE LAST TWO QUESTIONS

21. What percentage of your net income do you donate to progressive causes?

A) <25%>

B) 25% - 50% (+5 points)

C) 51% - 99% (+10 points)

D) 100% Purity (+75 points)

Add your score. Double-check it; was it correct? If yes, subtract another ten points for academic insensitivity.

Is the total negative? Then you are a racist enemy of the working class; your days of ruling over the people will end soon. Fascist.