Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Tribute to Turkmenistan: Thank You, Great Leader

Turmenistan’s official name is “Turkmen Soviet Socialist Republic”, although that name is being temporarily suppressed until the re-emergence of the U.S.S.R. However, the Turkmen people have been fortunate to be under the guidance of Saparmurat Niyazov, affectionately referring to him as Serdar Turkmenbashi – meaning “Great Leader of all Turkmen”.

In fact, the public fondness of President Turkmenbashi has led to the erection of his likeness; statues and posters grace every public place, including a gold statue that rotates to always face the sun.

To quote the modest President:

“If I was a worker and my president gave me all the things they have here in Turkmenistan, I would not only paint his picture, I would have his picture on my shoulder, or on my clothing,” says Turkmenbashi. “I'm personally against seeing my pictures and statues in the streets - but it's what the people want.”

Here’s a list of other things that the people wanted – and The President delivered:

- The renaming of “January” to “Turkmenbashi”.

- Ordering that physicians swear an oath to President Turkmenbashi instead of the Hippocratic Oath.

- The closure of all rural libraries, noting that ordinary Turkmen (The Proletariat!) do not read books.

- Banning ballet and opera as not being part of the Turkman culture. (Buy Local!)

- Banning lip syncing when singing.

- Bookstores discarding everything except The President’s works.

- Forbidding young men to wear long hair or beards

- Decreeing that that every school pupil, student, soldier and military officer in Turkmenistan be presented on New Year's Eve with a watch bearing the picture of The President

And , of course, vast protection against treacherous enemies who lurk everywhere:

"Any criticism or dissent is defined as treason and is punishable by long prison terms, confinement to psychiatric hospital or internal banishment, mostly to arid salt flats by the Caspian Sea. Private conversations everywhere are monitored by eavesdropping informers, as well as bugs and phone-taps. E-mails are monitored (there is only one service-provider) and internet access rare: a trawl of the capital reveals not one functioning public outlet."

If a Republican steals another presidential election, I will leave the Amerika – and you can be assured that Turkmenistan will be on my short list.

Thank you, President Turkmenbashi


Laika the Space Dog said...

Ah Yes! This truly a Great Leader!
After Ashlee Simpson and Milli Vanilli, I thought lip syncing would have been banned in Amerikkka, but nooooo,,,,,
Turkpersonstan is fortunate to be so progressive as to have a leader who would outlaw such a vile, heinous, and degenerate behavior as lip syncing. Hooray for the Turkpersons!

Lexcen said...

I've packed my bags, I'm moving to Shangri-La Turkmenistan.

Gorrest Fump said...

You know what they say: Loose Lips sync chimps. Which describe Milli Vanilli if anything can.....

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