Conservatives I Can Almost Like

These are difficult and confusing times. Difficult for me, and confusing for you. As always, I bear the difficult burden of educating and enlightening. And you, Dear Reader, are confused because you see me (correctly) as a Progressive, and yet…and yet…why do these conservatives speak like me?

Is it that my persuasive qualities have won them over? Or is it just a natural and unstoppable attraction to my intelligence, compassion, and natural bodily fragrances?

For instance, here is one “Justin Raimondo” of the wonderfully-named Antiwar.com, who apparently read my yesterday's entry about the Rape of Beirut, and recycled it! (Good for him, recycling – although the cigarette has got to go.):

Doesn't Mr. Maliki know which side his bread is buttered on? Of course he should pay more attention to what a single American senator thinks than what they're saying back home about Israel's rape of Lebanon. A puppet trying to cut his strings is bound to fall on his face. Pinocchio, however, thinks he's a real boy, and even began acting like one last week at a news conference held in the "Green Zone".

Did you understand any of that? I didn’t. Except of course, for the Rape of Lebanon – which is all that really matters.

Pat Buchanan is also featured at Antiwar.com. No, I never liked that pig-faced Nixonian sycophant, but I will confess that he raises some very valid points:

On American TV, former Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu says the ruination of Lebanon is Hezbollah's doing…No, Israel is doing this, with the blessing and without a peep of protest from President Bush. And we wonder why they hate us.

Yes, Mr. Buchanan raises a good question, but is clearly too stupid to know the answer. So I will tell him the answer. (And I know that he reads this blog because it’s where he steals his only good ideas from.)

They hate us, you idiot, because “we” (as in “Amerikkkans”) do not give our citizens decent health insurance, we permit Wal-Mart to operate with impunity, and we have still not paid our debt in slavery reparations. If I hate Amerikkka for those reasons (and plenty more), then why should it be so difficult to grasp that the caring beings of the Middle East also hate Amerikkka for those very reasons.

Understand this: Hezbollah provides social services, and Bush has obliterated social services. Therefore, Bush is our enemy, and Hezbollah is our friend.

If Hezbollah ran a candidate for President, Hillary would be in trouble.

Why do I hate Pat Buchanan so much, anyway? After all, he is admired by some very respectable people...