How To Help Black People

As a group that has faced more abuse, oppression, and genocide than any other, black people have a special need for my guidance. To be sure, they are not responsible for their racial tragedy, nor for the helplessness that has been imposed on them. So, to assist their plight for justice, I offer the following policy prescriptions:

1) Universalize Affirmative Action in Universities. Advanced university degrees (but not more than two PhDs!) must be awarded to all blacks regardless of their grades -- or whether they attended school to start with. Of course, today's affirmative action programs place academic certification in many black hands, but we must fight until every single black person is awarded a degree on the basis of their skin color. At that point, their value to employers will become immeasurable.

2) Introduce Affirmative Action in Prisons. Release all black prisoners. Black Prisoners = Political Prisoners. How do we know this? Because the prisons are disproportionately occupied by blacks. The release of black prisoners would result in disproportionately white prisons -- which would be a just remedy to compensate for the many years of racial imbalances among inmates. Furthermore, to remedy past discrimination, programs of racial profiling against white people must be introduced -- which will include the incarceration of white people who are guilty of racial crimes; i.e., being white. As a bonus to the black community, the re-immersion of prison inmates into society will provide a stabilizing influence among the youth. (The youth are the most vulnerable members of the black community, and would therefore benefit most from released prisoners.)

3) End All Policing. Police are the biggest enemy of black people, as evidenced by the horrific history of brutality, profiling, and disproportionate imprisonment. The obvious solution (at least to a highly educated and caring person) is the complete elimination of police forces in black communities. This will enable a people-based societal approach to mutual recognition and dignity. No more police brutality – ever again.

4) Reparations Now. Face it: Every aspect of the soft life enjoyed by white people can be traced to the legacy of slavery. We are the undeserving inheritors of stolen wealth, and we must therefore give back -- frequently and generously. Ideally, mass white suicide would be the best way to apologize for slavery. However, our racist culture discourages that, so as a poor substitute, every white person (regardless of their lineage) should hand over their property to black people, regardless of their individual lineage. The fact is that today's white people are clearly guilty for the crimes committed by other white people generations ago. And today's black people are owed compensation for wrongs endured by other black people from generations ago.

5) Islamic Conversion. Fortunately, this is a trend that is happening on its own, but there is still a need for proactive government enforcement of Islamic conversion. Simply put, Islam provides the discipline and moral framewoek that is missing from our racist, sexist, and homophobic society.

6) Provide More Government Jobs for Blacks. Unlike the cannibalistic orgy of capitalism that defines Amerikkka, government jobs not only provide honest careers, but also empower and protect those who hold them. As the most vulnerable members of society, blacks need empowerment and protection, and we therefore need more blacks in government jobs. Releasing them into the violent world of private business would only continue their genocide.

7) Require Black Political Representation. The only thing that stands between the life and death of black people (besides me) is the leadership of black politicians. I shudder to think of a world without Al Sharpton. The biggest threat to our very existence (other than the cruel Bush theocracy) is the continuing presence of dead white racists on our money instead of the visage of Reverend Sharpton on every bill of every denomination.

Please, remember to wear your "I Care About Black People" T-shirts every day; I do. They will admire you for that, just like they admire me.