A Letter from a Black Man

Dear Professor Kurgman:

As an educated, middle-class black man, I am offended by your patronizing tone toward minorities in general and towards black people in particular. Why is it that you excuse criminal behavior amongst blacks, as though we're not supposed to know any better? Why do you keep referring to us as "Sun People" instead of "Americans"? Why is it that you give fawning praise on any trivial accomplishment by a black person, as though we are all complete idiots who can't be expected to achieve anything beyond your low standards?

- Disgusted Black Man

Dear Disgusted:

First, you should know that I admire you and your people. In fact, I personally know some People of Color! Did you know that my very neighborhood has a Family of Color -- an emblem of diversity that I continuously cherish. In fact, I long to live in a Community of Color, but the lack of food co-ops in those areas precludes such a decision.

Anyway, the main point here is that you are desperately attempting to overcome the shackles of slavery that still hold you back. But despite that handicap, I see that your vocabulary includes several big words like "fawning" and "trivial" -- as well as some that are difficult to spell ("achieve") or are hard to pronounce ("excuse", "low", etc.) Take it from me, a triple PhD, that you are a very talented gentleman! There is no other explanation for your fluidity between so-called "traditional English" and your morally superior "ghetto talk", which I am regrettably not genetically endowed to understand.

Still, can you imagine where you would be without the support of progressive programs like Affirmative Action, Aid to Families with Dependent Children, Section 8 Housing Vouchers, and Accelerated Parole? I think we can both agree that without the care of giving progressives like me, you would be even more subject to the hardships of your ancestors' slavery. Yes, "black man", I do forgive you for all the so-called "felonies" that the racist police have accused you of. Your so-called "crimes" were not your fault. As a Sun Person, you do not have the volition to make choices; you are a slave (always a slave!) to your impulses that were (and are still) planted by white Amerikkkans. We are guilty -- and to prove it, I will never stop apologizing.

Unfortunately, you, my friend, were dragged to this fascist country against your will. But the good news is that the progressive community will always be here to care for your people.

Professor Peter Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD