I Weep for Fidel

I went to sleep last night weeping. I was weeping for the Cuban People, and how they must be so fearful of a future without Fidel. And I was weeping for Fidel, too. Worse, my digestive system has reacted to the Cuban Tragedy in a most unforgiving way, with violent explosions of off-colored discharges with unfamiliar scents emanating from my every orifice.

Without Fidel, even temporarily, the entire universe is in grave danger of a nauseatingly directionless spinning, like a rabid animal who drank too much dishwasher detergent.

Although it is hard to accept that one of the most visionary revolutionary leaders in human history can be fallible in any way, we must accept that it is time to move on along the beautiful path of Socialism that our friend, brother, comrade, and teacher laid out for us. And for the future of the Cuban People, let us hope that they continue to be protected from the imperialist Amerikkkan monster that is always at the ready to devour them.

In the absence of Fidel (or, if you prefer, in the presence of the late Eternal Leader), I have concluded that the best interim future would be for Cuba to be led by a joint administrative body comprised of delegates from Venezuela and Iran. Only a multi-layered union of kindness appointed by Presidents Chavez and Amahdinejad can guarantee the protection of the Cuban People.

Ultimately, Cuba should be annexed to Iran. Yes, I know that Comrade Chavez would be an ideal Cuban leader, but he already has his gentle hands full with the rest of Latin America. And besides, Iran needs a presence in the Western Hemisphere. Never forget that the Amerikkkan dogs have infiltrated the sanctity of Iraq, and the Zionist savages have defiled the Middle East. And so, what better way to bring Global Justice than to have Iran staring down fascist Amerikkka, right in the same nabe.

Long live Socialism!

Motherland or Death!

We shall overcome!

- Maximum Leader Fidel Castro, May Day 2002

(For my dear readers who have sub-normal intelligence, "nabe" is a diminutive form of "neighborhood", which in this context, is a metaphor for regional proximity. On one hand, you have every right to envy my clever phrasing. On the other, as a "cranially-challenged person of limits," you should file lawsuits against someone, anyone, immediately.)