Thursday, August 03, 2006

The Crucifixion of Mel Gibson

I never heard of "Mel Gibson" before today, so I assume that his sudden leap to fame is a consequence of a particularly vicious slander campaign orchestrated by the Jewish Community's "Campaign of Hate". In response, Mr. Gibson has apologized for allegedly saying that Jews are the cause of all wars. And he has asked for help, directly from said Jewish Community.

"I'm not just asking for forgiveness," Gibson said. "I would like to take it one step further and meet with leaders in the Jewish community, with whom I can have a one-on-one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing."

"There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of anti-Semitic remark," Gibson said. "But please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith."

Note that he did not give specifics of why he should apologize, indicating that of course he did nothing wrong. That is, he did not say something stupid, like, "I can't think of a single war that was started by Jews, but you can't turn on the television without watching Muslims threatening the rest of humanity." No, that would be a lie.

So, given the truth of the matter (Jews really do start all the wars), all he could say was, "Sorry, I said the wrong thing." And his request to have the Jewish Leaders heal him is a modest one that should be fulfilled immediately.

It reminds me of the time I was in the food co-op, and I noticed that the cashier was wearing a chain with a cross on it.

"Young lady," I asked, "Are you not familiar with the First Amendment?"

She returned a blank look, pretending that she did not understand the question.

I deftly eluded her Gaze of Hate, and went in for the kill: "The First Ammendment guarantees that you will not impose your damn religion on me!"

Then, realizing that I was trapped in the venomous tentacles of an unforgiving Christian theocracy, I immediately put up my defenses. "I HATE YOU! HATE HATE HATE YOU! MY LIFE WILL NOT BE CONTROLLED BY THIS WITCH OF CHRISTIANITY! YOU ARE HITLER! HITLER! THE REVOLUTION WILL MERCILESSLY DESTROY YOU! THE WORKING PEOPLE WILL BE FREE! THEY WILL RISE TO KILL..."

And just then, I realized my error. In my eloquent defense of human rights, I used a term that was not gender-neutral. I used the term "witch." This was an offence to womyn everywhere.

And so, I wept. And I became flatulent. How could I have expressed such sexism?

I needed to do two things.

1. I apologized. I looked her in the eye, expelled some trapped upper gastric juices, and apologized with these very words:


"There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of anti-female remark," I said. "But please know from my heart that I am not an anti-womyn. I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my cause."

2. I insisted on being healed by her Community: "I DEMAND TO SEE THE LEADER OF YOUR COMMUNITY! I MUST SEE THE POPE. IMMEDIATELY! WHERE IS THE POPE? BRING HIM TO ME NOW! DON'T SHUT ME OUT! PLEASE! BRING ME THE POPE NOW!"

I wailed for a good hour, running to every corner of the store, screaming for The Pope. Finally, I regurgitated on the avocado display. Viewing this as a spiritual cleaning, I left the store and headed to the bus stop to go home.

I understand what Mel Gibson is going through.

5 comments:

shlemazl said...

Terrific post. I've read a lot of your stuff, but still can't guess what your next sentence is going to be about.

Let me know when you publish a book ; I wouldn't want to miss it.

Lexcen said...

Finally you've lost control and spat the dummy. I was beginning to think you weren't human.

A.C #1 said...

Your too funny! lmfao

shlemazl said...

Professor Kurgman,

I think BBC has wrote a spoof article on Mel claiming that he is a terrorist:

http://shlemazl.blogspot.com/2006/08/is-mel-gibson-terrorist.html

Don't you just hate spoof articles?

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