Thursday, September 21, 2006

Fighting Capitalism with Diversity and Solidarity

This semester, I am teaching a course called, "How to Fight Capitalism". Not surprisingly, it was one of the first courses to fill up, and the classes need to be taught in my university's largest lecture hall.

Being that many students have been turned away, I am making my class notes available here.

Today's topic is: How to Fight Capitalism with Diversity and Solidarity

Diversity and Solidarity: Similarities

A. Cannot be left to private markets

1. Private markets have no conscience
2. Private markets have no compassion
3. Private markets always get it wrong

B. In solidarity, we are diverse

1. Labor unions, in solidarity, represent diverse genders
2. The Democratic Party, in solidarity, represents the entire diverse rainbow of gay sexual preferences

3. In solid progressive neighborhoods, the diverse range of Christian sects are justifiably not welcome
4. The entire diverse mosaic of convicted felons are given admissions preference in my anti-Zionist Solidarity Coalition

C. In diversity, we have solidarity

1. Nations from all corners of the world vote as one against Amerikkka

D. Together, diversity and solidarity are in solidarity
E. Apart, diversity and solidarity are diverse
F. The same means are justified in meeting all solidarity and diversity ends

1. Friendly taxes
2. Expert oversight
3. Caring control

ll. Diversity and Solidarity: Differences

A. In solidarity, there is strength; in diversity, there is tolerance

1. Strength in unions; tolerance towards unions
2. Strength in the United Nations; tolerance towards the United Nations
3. Strength in government education, health care, transportation, housing, etc.; tolerance towards government employees

lll. Smash Capitalism!

A. Diversity Now! Transfer power from capitalist monsters to benevolent policy makers

1. Guarantee inclusive hiring practices; proportional representation everywhere

- Womyn in major-league baseball
- Height-challenged people in basketball
- Men should be diversity-represented, too! (Hooters waiters, dental hygienists, feminine hygiene product models, etc.)
- Prison inmates as corrections officers
- Quadriplegics in fire departments

2. Wages-and-benefits equal for all:

- Universal free unlimited healthcare
- Universal free unlimited sick time
- Universal free unlimited compensation

B. Union and Government Solidarity: Perfect Together

1.Solidarity in the workplace environment:

- Employees make all corporate decisions in a single voice, with government approval

2. Price control:

- All prices to be determined by customers, in solidarity

3. Deviations from any employees (i.e., enemies of solidarity) need to be corrected

- Imprisonment
- Deportation


Don said...

Quadriplegics in fire departments

Congenital idiots tenured in University faculties. Catatonic people also.

shlemazl said...

Tell me Prof: when men are employed as feminine hygiene product models, where do they stick these products?

Professor Peter Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD said...

Mr. Shlemazl -

Men do not have to "stick" these products anywhere.

All we're demanding is diversity in modelling. So, picture this commercial:

Mother: "Son, you seem rather irritable today."

Son: "Sorry, Mom, it's that I have an unexpectedly heavy flow, and it's leaking through my Lightdays (R) pantiliners."

That said, I sometimes use tampons when I run out of butt plugs.

Red Tulips said...

Professor Kurgman:

Are the tampons fresh, or are they, as in Kathy's case, freeganed tampons?

You must respect the environment and all...I would not expect that a beautiful person such as yourself would actually advocate buying Zionist supported Kotex tampons and inserting them in your rectum. A true Kossack inserts used Playtex tampons up where the sun don't shine!

Professor Peter Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD said...

Red Tulips:

It is pointless to attempt to correct a multi-degreed professor; only a Hitler would do that!

I do in fact use freeganed tampons, but I can assure you that I would never use Kotex. However, I used Kotex in my example because they are the most in need of reform -- at least until feminine hygiene products are nationalized, and are given away in unlimited quantities for free.

Incidentally, I make my own buttplugs out of recycled materials. I just mix some organic cauliflower fungus with dumpster paste (that's the "gold" that oozes at the bottom of warm dumpsters) and a tad of my collected bronchial excrescences. Store it in an unplugged refrigerator for a few weeks, then form and insert.

Red Tulips said...

Professor Kurgman:

This is why I read your blog - it's because of helpful tips like these about how to make freeganed butt plugs. I will spread your knowledge far and wide, thus helping to make the world a better place!

Don said...

If Professor Kurgman eats beans whilst using freeganed buttplugs I suspect he's spread his knowledge far and whide on more than one occassion!

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