Create Jobs Now: Ban Washers

As I constantly remind my economics students: “It’s all about jobs, jobs, and jobs.” Yes, it’s a humorous line, and though it completely overlooks caring for our nation’s children, it nevertheless must be addressed.

Now, the masses understand that when a greedy company lays off workers, it is taking away those jobs, jobs, and jobs. And, of course, that is one of the many things that ails Amerikkka; corporate downsizing. In a humane world, these companies would be hiring more people to do the same amount of work—hence increasing employment and easing the burden on the working class.

(As an aside, Amerikkka should listen to the French, instead of alienating them. In France, the legislated 35-hour maximum workweek did in fact create jobs, jobs, and jobs—notwithstanding fascist naysayers.)

So, you ask, what can we—as a people, as a society, as a community, and as a nation—do?

We can start by doing a little “corporate upsizing” on our own! Throw out your dishwasher and your clothes washer. These appliances are more obscene than sweatshop labor; instead of making meager wages, they work for nothing at all. The space hogged by these machines could be filled with recycling bins, and the labor they produced can be substituted with real working-class humans, at union wages.

Think of how good you will feel when you allow a team of $50/hour (plus full benefits and guaranteed lifetime employment) employees into your house to manually clean your dishes and clothing. They will be better off (since they will no longer have to mow lawns or prepare restaurant food, and also because they cannot be fired) and you will be better off because you are creating jobs, jobs, and jobs.

I, of course, would personally not participate because I do not own a dish washer or a washing machine. Some other time, we’ll discuss how cleaning your dishes and clothing is akin to raping the environment, violently and repeatedly. And in any case, if you eat as nature intended, by lowering your head into your food, you will see the wastefulness of utensils and flatware. For that matter, I haven’t changed my underwear in over a year! (And that includes my bowel “episode” in the food co-op.)

But, listen peeps, if you do clean yourself, make sure to hire someone else to do the job at a proper wage. I personally recommend immigrants from Somalia, Yemen, and Saudi Arabia. It’s all about jobs and diversity.