An Open Letter to President Kim Jong-Il

To His Excellency, the Glorious Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il:

Hello, my name is Professor Peter Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD. I am an accomplished (and tenured!) professor who has earned three PhDs.

Now, just in case you glossed over that last paragraph, please permit me to indicate that I have three PhDs.

Specifically:

- Sociology of Postdialectic Gender Ethics and Political Sexuality, PhD

- Desemiotic Cultural Paradigms and Peace Education, PhD

- Philosophy of Communal and Neocultural Distributive Ethics, PhD

As a highly educated world leader, I am sure that you are impressed by my extraordinary achievements and feel compelled to read on. I can’t blame you!

But enough about me.

May I invite you, President Kim, to help my nation? You see, Amerikkka is being run by a cabal of maniacs—led by a deranged madman, George W. Bush. In the name of Christianity, he stole two elections, eliminated all human rights, launched genocidal oil-wars against the Sun People of the Middle East, and in general has been far more cruel and ruthless than Hitler ever was. And, regrettably, my occasional mid-afternoon hunger protests have been for naught.

We are suffering, President Kim!

And this is why I was delighted, President Kim, to see that you are the last true hope for Amerikkka. Yes, I despise “nukes”; believe me, I’ve put in many a strenuous afternoon protesting at some rather high-profile generating stations. (Yes, I am ashamed that this country needs electricity; if only we could follow the lead of your green “no-electricity” policies!) But my “NO NUKES” screaming was futile. I stood across the street from the White House screaming at that bastard Nixon, but the Death Machine was rolled out – and today, President Kim, Amerikkka is littered with deadly nuclear power stations.

But, President Kim, I would like to extend a personal invitation for you to come to Amerikkka and see how the people, the REAL people, are trying to create a society that we can all be proud of. Did you know that many of our governments have special laws to protect the rights of gays, lesbians, and the transgendered? Yes, we do! Just like your Korea! And we have all sorts of anti-hate legislation, just like in Korea. And I think you’ll really like our recycling programs; maybe we can swap ideas!

Please visit my university, Mr. Kim, and sit in on one of my classes. (Incidentally, I have three PhDs.) In my course called “Contextual Multiculturalism in Postmetastructuralist Foundations”, we carefully advocate full multiculturalism, including an intensive appreciation of Juche. In fact, our Juche module requires a full two weeks of student narratives on the many contributions of you and your father, may he rest in peace—even though, of course, he will never be, technically, dead.

But more to my main point, President Kim, could you please fire some nuclear bombs on a few Southern states—and especially on Texas? As you can see, in the rest of the country, we are really trying to emulate your beautiful nation. We’re not perfect, but we’re trying! What we need is a brave liberator who fully understands the meaning of equality, equality, and equality.

The Revolution is almost here, President Kim, and all we need is a little assistance in destroying the enemies of the people.

If only Amerikkka could be transformed into another Korea!

I look forward to your response.

Love,

Professor Peter Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD