Sunday, November 12, 2006

Socialism Lives in My Classroom

First, I urge you to click on the above picture to get a true feel for how I conduct my classes.

That said, I must congratulate myself for being one of the most popular professors in my university; the students cannot say enough good things about me.

Here's why:

A) Grade Redistribution. At the end of the semester, the classroom (i.e., "I") equalizes everyone's final-exam grades through a form of taxation. For example, say the average final-exam grade is 70 -- but not everyone has a 70. We remedy this by taking ten points from the student who gets an 80, and awarding them to the student who gets a 60. Similarly, a student with a perfect 100 would be "taxed" forty points to help the student who received a 30.

B) "Single Payer" Term Papers. We do not run a classroom like the way the barbaric Amerikkka runs its health-care system. Instead, we have "single payer" term papers. Here's how it works: Instead of different students contributing different levels of effort into their term papers, I instead assign a grad student (i.e., the "single payer") to write papers everyone in the class. All the students need to do is request the length, and the grad student will write the papers at no expense to the students. Then, the grad student will randomly distribute the papers to the students, which they will then submit. This process ensures equality of outcome at no cost to anyone, and hence guarantees success every time. And, no, the students are not allowed to "opt out" -- as that would destroy the system.

C) Homework Sharing. A students homework is not his (or hers, or hishers) but instead belongs to all the students. And this is why homework is done in two phases. Phase 1: "Normal" submission of homework. Phase 2: The classroom permits the so-called "weaker" students free access to any other student's homework for inclusion in their own assignments. Not only does this tend to equalize outcomes, but it also stresses the concept of "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need." Next semester, the classroom will implement this idea for all exams, as well.

D) Disability-Adjusted Final Grades. Students are given a higher final grade if they can demonstrate how a learning handicap has held them back. Most often, the evidence we need is poor scholarship, as this in itself is proof of a learning disability. Other evidence can include membership in any racial, ethnic, or gender group that can legitimately claim grievances of educational challenges from past centuries


Jim said...

Is that a picture of Art Buchwald in the corner?

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