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An Open Apology to The Reverend Al Sharpton
May I approach you, Reverend Sharpton, if only in this most electronic paradigm?
If so, I would like to confess my guilt, and deeply deeply deeply apologize for having been born into the same cursed race as the slave-driving white supremacist Don Imus. And may I apologize for not having even more black pupils in my classes? And may I apologize for them not getting into grad schools (and baseball teams!) at a sufficiently high rate? Please understand that I already curve all of my students of color to 100% to ensure that they receive a 4.0 average in my classes. And yet, this is still not enough!
I appeal to you, Reverend, to accept my confession. You have defined the very definition of the moral summit as an activist, a civil-rights leader, a religious leader, a grass-roots people-powered political presence, a courageous candidate for Mayor of New York as well as the Amerikkkan Presidency, a defender of rape victims, a spokesperson for the rent-oppressed, a beacon of peace and hope, a resistor against the cancer of Zionism, and an indefatigable icon of the Democratic Party. 
I wish to make amends. Even though I am about to sacrifice over $53M dollars to settle a racial bias suit (technically, FedEx is making the payment, but I am of the same race as their executives, am I not?), I want to do more. Can I encourage my my fellow white citizens to atone for holding slaves?
Please, help me, cure me, and heal me.
I lay before you, prone, in wait of your judgment. I realize that you just received the most shocking blow to your life, but please make the time to forgive me. I eagerly anticipate your response, even if it is only preparatory advice that instructs me on how to position myself.
Most Humbly,
Professor Peter Kurgman, PhD., PhD., PhD
1 comment:
Oh yes, I am heartly sorry too. I am white and therefore must apologize for what some older, dead white folk did, and I will teach my children to forever feel shame and sorrow as well and to forever give people of opposite race special treatment to make up for what old, dead white people did.
And even though my old, white, dead ancestors came from Italy and Ireland in the late 1800's, early 1900's, and were not here during the times of slavery, and even though they lived in a part of the northeast where there were never separate facilities, I will forever be sorry for what whites did. I mean, since I am white, I must be jsut like every white person that has ever existed.
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