Thursday, May 22, 2008

Feces: The Ultimate in Sustainability

Are you sustainable?

Am I sustainable?

No, I am afraid not. For I require inputs, which then lead to outputs, which are not recycled into fresh inputs. That is, I realized that I am depleting our beautiful planet of its every valuable resource.

Until today, when I decided to become a perfect closed system.

I started this day by eating my feces.

I wondered, at first: Should I place it in a bun? Or perhaps some toast? No no no! God DAMN Amerikkka! (Sorry, that phrase just came naturally after saying "No no no!...") But still, no no no! Bread is
not sustainable! Electricity is not sustainable! There is only so much to go around, and every time we use any resource, we are raping our planet!

And so, I tenderly picked up my waste, and gently rolled it into an oblong mass -- like perhaps melted brown tofu. (Which, upon reflection, is not that far off from where it started.) Still warm, I lifted it to eye level, inhaled its exciting scent, and carefully placed it in my mouth. Tasty! Perhaps better than tofu. And it's sustainable!

I then brushed my teeth. No, I did not brush my teeth with synthetic, hormone-fed toothpaste. I placed some leftover feces on my finger (No, I do not use a disgusting resource-hogging toothbrush) and rubbed it on my teeth, on my tongue, on vigorously into my gums.

Yes, a lot of feces did get in my beard, but I proudly wore it as a badge of sustainability as I wandered through the food co-op later, scowling at the patrons and their unsustainable ways.

Later in the day, I voided my bowels again, and elected to go for a second recycling of this precious substance. No microwave needed, thank you, as my body acted as a natural heat furnace to serve this deliciously warm wet meal.

Perhaps I will let some harden, and treat my students to some "cookies" tomorrow.

I have no guilt, because I am completely sustainable.

Are you sustainable?


chimpeachnow said...

absolutely brilliant Professor!!! You have just solved the problem of world hunger. Factoring in animal waste - even someone who is chronically constipated could eat as much as they want. A family could easily live this way. The addition of the waste from a family pet would provide some dietary variation.

That should also eliminate the need to slaughter animals for their meat when we could simply consume their waste. A freegan lifestyle for everyone and a change in global consciousness where going out to eat would mean going to the dog park instead of a restaurant.

...and some say Utopia is impossible

Anonymous said...

I am completely sustainable.

I bet you are, you're part of the shit-eating system.

But your satire makes me laugh,'s better than most.

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