Monday, April 03, 2006

Abortion Q&A

Students and alumni frequently approach me for personal guidance, and in particular on the matter of abortion. Here are some questions, and my corresponding advice:

Q: Professor Kurgman, I am under one week away from giving birth, and I just read your comments on Voluntary Human Extinction. Now I want to help depopulate The Earth. Should I get an abortion?

A: Yes, and immediately, before you place a burden on our health-care infrastructure that is already being overtaxed by Wal-Mart! (Your non-birth will, in fact, be one less person for Wal-Mart to exploit.) And if you have any friends in a similar situation, please encourage them to do likewise.

Q: Professor Kurgman, I gave birth one month ago to a baby who is, like, ugly? Help me!

A: You must get a fourth-trimester abortion. Luckily for you, this is strongly encouraged in the Roe vs. Wade section of the Amerikan Constitution. Remember, it's your body!

Q: Professor Kurgman, my partner is pregnant, and all the associated aggravation is exacerbating my migraine headaches. But when I went to the pharmacy to purchase codeine, they told me that I needed a doctor's prescription. But if abortions are none of the government's business, then why are drugs? I even gave the pharmicist a lecture on "they're our bodies, so fuck off" -- but he still insisted on my obtaining a doctor's approval. What gives?

A: My answer is three-fold. 1) I am a doctor; you mean to say that you need a physician's approval. 2) It is morally reprehensible to do anything without explicit expert approval; your behavior is no better than that exhibited by parents who send their children to private schools. 3) You partner should get an abortion.

Q: Professor Kurgman, I think that all corporate executives should be aborted. But how do I reconcile that with my views against capital punishment?

A: Capital punishment refers to the illegitimate-state murders of revolutionaries like Tookie, Mumia, and Zac; it therefore must be resisted. Since corporate executives aren't human, they can be aborted without capital punishment concerns. Incidentally, if you are pregnant, you should get an abortion too.

Q: Professor Kurgman, I enjoy getting abortions. In fact, I regularly get pregnant for the sole purpose of enjoying the sensations of frequent abortions. But my problem is that abortions are expensive! How can I raise money to pay for this hobby?

A: Have you tried suing your local church? Have you tried public assistance? Any decent physician will accept food stamps -- and food stamps are your right! For that matter, most physicians will cooperate when they are screamed at. Try some screaming about how it's your body -- and how it's the physician's obligation to treat you for free. You will find your moral authority increasing in proportion to your volume. In order to make a scene, just start to scream!


Margaret said...

Jeepers creepers, I don't want a bible in my uterus either. Ouch!

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