Creating Wealth for All

This fall, I will be teaching economics again. Regrettably, the Department has required me to talk about "wealth creation" -- a concept that is usually so putrid that it makes my entire digestive tract convulse in the most violent and explosive manner. As we know, wealth is inimical to a healthy planet. However, the working class has been raped and exploited for so long that they forgot that their spirituality supersedes vulgar material possessions. So it is for them, the workers, that we fight. And until we achieve absolute equality, the fruit of their labor must be returned to them. No more exploitation!

And so, here is what we will cover in the class -- the many ways of creating wealth:

1) High minimum wages. Since $10/hour creates double the wealth of $5/hour, $20/hour would double wealth again. Yes, there is some mathematics here (which discriminates against female students who were raised in a male-dominant environment), but take my word for it: $40/hour would double the wealth yet again. And so forth. $400/hour would increase wealth by another ten-fold. Ideally, the minimum wage would be infinite, and thus create infinite wealth. And, as a bonus, higher wages mean more tax revenue – and that means even more wealth. The corporate pigs hate minimum wages, but the people vote for it time and again because they know it is right.

2) Comparable Worth. As we know, women get paid much less than men for doing the same job. If a man gets $20, a woman will get only $10. In fact, I've been witness countless times to situations where women were getting $10/hour, and when a man comes in to do the exact same job, the employer says, "$10 isn't enough for you; please allow me to pay you $20/hour." Comparable worth smashes this injustice by forcing employers to pay the same wage from comparable jobs. For instance, most pilots are male and most flight attendants are female. As a result, flight attendants get paid much less. To remedy this, pilots and flight attendants would be deemed "equivalent" and airlines would then pay fight attendants $200,000 per year. Same thing with dentists and hygienists. Surgeons and nurses. Men and women are equal, and by paying equal salaries, wealth is created.

3) Affirmative Action. Some groups need a "leg up" because they are not equal. For instance, men and women are not equal. A male fireperson will carry a person out of a burning building, but a female fireperson will naturally be more sensitive and instead discuss the victim's feelings. And yet, at one time, women had to pass the same test and demonstrate the ability to lift a person out of a burning building! The sexist implications are staggering, and as a consequence, women have been mired in poverty. The remedy? Eliminate discriminatory requirements and develop an affirmative program to reach out to women (and all other minorities!) to become firepeople. The economic results have been spectacular.

4) Restrictive Zoning. High-rise buildings are ominous and threatening. Sprawl is wasteful, polluting, and creates Wal-Marts. Thankfully, restrictive zoning prohibits all new construction everywhere. The resulting fixed supply of housing creates skyrocketing home prices -- and the homeowners become rich. Hence, wealth creation.

5) Union Rights. Every worker has the right to do as instructed by their union. This includes striking for higher pay and dealing with scabs appropriately. Did you know that Wal-Mart is just one big scab? By being non-union, they lower the wages of their employees, and thereby lower the wages of all other employees. That's correct: When employers hear that Wal-Mart pays their employees subsistence wages, these employers say, "Gee, if Wal-Mart can hire slave labor, then I can stop paying my employees too!" That is how economics works. But unions create solidarity, and with solidarity comes monopoly (in the good sense), and with monopoly comes high wages -- and higher wages mean wealth. Axiom: The more powerful the union, the more wealth is created. Illustration: Government unions are very powerful, and obtain good benefits for their members. Government + Unions = Wealth. A progressive agenda would criminalize all non-union workplaces.

6) Workweek Reduction. By curtailing the total number of hours worked, people will get paid more per hour worked. A fifteen-hour workweek would be a great way of increasing hourly wages; in fact, work itself should be abolished. Full pay (and benefits) for not working would be a direct line to affluence. Just imagine how rich we would all be if no one ever worked -- and we all got paid anyway. As a society, we need to make this happen.

7) Prevailing Wage Laws. When the government buys things from contractors, the government can also set the terms of service. And that means compelling government contractors to pay prevailing wages; i.e., the amount of money that is required for all of their employees to survive, as determined by labor unions. And, as a bonus, these higher wages do not lead to increased costs -- this was proven by PhDs and other objective parties.

8) Living Wage Laws. This is very similar to Prevailing Wage Laws, except that the wages are determined by all of the other items mentioned above -- as interpreted by a knowledgeable committee of academics and government officials. The idea is to protect the workers from the subsistence wages that would otherwise be forced upon them by exploitive profiteering sweatshop capitalists.

9) More Public-Sector Jobs. Why leave the working class exposed to the strangulating poison of the so-called "free market" when all people can instead nuzzle under the protective wing of a compassionate government? Our legislators can create wealth by creating laws that demand wealth. And as a community, we can make everyone affluent by paying them whatever they need to do whatever job they want.