Thursday, June 01, 2006

Why I Like The Food Co-op

Lately, many people have asked me why I despise my food coop so much, citing my writings here, here, and here. And yes, it’s true that the co-op’s integrity has been compromised by its corporatist leanings, but…I am nevertheless a food co-op advocate, and anyone who says otherwise is a homophobic racist swine.

And so, here are the reasons why I support my food co-op.

Diversity

Co-op shoppers come from all walks of life, including:

Full professors

Associate professors

Assistant professors

Graduate students

Union advocates

Campaign consultants

Urban planners

Criminal defense attorneys

City Council members and support staff

Progressive ministers

Peace advocates

Support group coordinators

Lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and trangendered peoples

The Homeless

Community

The food co-op…

brings a strong sense of community and belonging to people and therefore accountability, compassion, and involvement

And here’s a food co-op that really knows its community; just look at its links page, which includes:

International Answer

MoveOn

The Nation

The Noam Chomsky Archive

United for a Fair Economy

United for Peace

At my co-op, when it’s my turn to bag groceries, I sometimes stop dead and start a chant: “C’mon peeps, peas for peace!” And they join in! “Peas for peace! Peas for peace! Peas for peace!”

“Who do we want to kill?”

“Bush!”

“When do we want to kill him?”

“Before he attacks Iraaaaaaan!! Yaaaaay!”

And then we eat our peas for peace! As it happens, the peas make me rather flatulent – which is an extra bonus for my lucky customers. All natural!

Equality

At the food co-op, we are all equal. Everyone must donate their time for checkout duties, bagging, and janitorial tasks.

In fact, I was just chatting with a famous criminal defense attorney who told me that when it’s her turn to stack the tofu Brussels sprouts, “I tell my clients NO! I cannot go to court today because I have to perform my stockperson duties at the food co‑op. And I mean it…NO! What part of NO do you not understand? If you think that defending your case is more important that my co-op responsibilities, well, fuck off, assholes.”

Even better, the assignment of professors and lawyers to do menial chores results in the end of minority youth exploitation. Nothing breaks my heart more than the sight of a Youth of Color working in a supermarket for minimum wage. This is not a problem at the food co-op because we professionals already have enough (filthy filthy!) money to work for free!

Health

The food co-op only sells healthy products.

Homeopathic Remedies. There’s Western fascist medicine, and there’s caring Sun-Person medicine. Who would you rather be like? When I have discharges of thick yellow-green offensive-smelling pus from the crusts and scabs inside my nose, I reach for some Kali Bichromicum. To hell with doctors; if they were as smart as they think they are, they would have multiple PhD’s – and not a silly “MD”.

Environmentally-Friendly Products like tree-free paper and biodegradable household cleaning agents. Of course, not cleaning at all is the most eco-friendly, which is why I shun deodorants and soap. And my co-op does not have bags – bring your own bag! Or, you can do what I do, and simply lower your head in the tubs of curdled tofu and eat for free. I mean, isn’t free food a basic human right?

Local Produce. Did you know that anything transported more than fifty miles from wherever you happen to live is bound to be toxic? And that it is made in unsanitary conditions by six-year old slaves who are alternatively beaten and indoctrinated with the vilest forms of Christianity?

Special Needs. I require an absolute vegan diet. Some people require raw food only. Others require food that is free of wheat, gluten, flour, water, meat, dairy products, and vegetables. Regardless, the co-op obliges! Or, at least mostly. Mine does not appear to have a Halal section; that will be a fight for another day.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Professor,

Growing produce locally is a sacred activity. I was told that at my Progressive Church. I know of sixteen free acres near the filthy capitalist temple at Wall Street that are ready for soy planting. That space was cleansed of "little Eichmanns" by the Holy Warriors of the Oppressed True Faith.

Here's hoping the Brothers will use peaceful nuclear energy to scorch an alfalfa patch stretching from Princeton to Poughkeepsie.

Capitalism is Pollution! Let's clear the air!

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