The Charter of Progressive Politics: What We Demand

A Progressive Charter must be written, and I accept the burden of writing it.

The Charter of Progressive Politics: What We Demand

1) Ending Racism. This can only be accomplished by identifying people by their race (white, black, Muslim, sun, ice, etc.) and ensuring that benefits accrue to each group as we see fit.

2) Job Security. Unionized civil service is the model that we must apply to every job; guaranteed lifetime wages for two decades of work. Payment will be made by rich people, as their wealth was accrued by raping the working class anyway.

3) Equality of Outcome. All differences in the status of individuals are a direct result of racism. By smashing racism, we will acheive equal outcomes. Anyone who remains better off (notwithstanding policy experts who require additional compensation) is therefore, by definition, guilty of racism, and will be punished.

4) Universal Civil Liberties. This includes the right to free medical care, free housing, free education, free food, free clothing, and whatever else the Progressive Courts deem to be free. History has shown us that if anything is willed to be free, then it shall be free.

5) Jobs. Jobs, jobs, jobs. It's all about jobs. Good jobs. High-payng jobs. Jobs. After prohiibiting exploiting sweatshops like Wal-Mart, Starbucks, McDonalds, and especially Chick-fil-A, our government will supply all the jobs. Good jobs.

6) Pro-Children. The children are our future. We must therefore tax their parents. Hard. It's for their children.

7) Anti-war. Simply put: All wars are started by either Amerikkka or The Zionists. This is because the former are profiteering war-mongers, and the latter are Nazis. We must therefore work with our allies (France, Iran, the CCCP, etc.) to smash Amerikkka and the Zionist Entity.

8) A Big Beautiful Benevolent Government. There are three types of people: The ruling class, the working class, and the thinking class. The ruling class must be smashed so that the thinking class can prescribe benevolent policies for the working class. I am in the thinking class. You are probably in the working class. But I am a lot like you: The thinking class is, in fact, identical to the working class, but with high-level academic credentials. Equal, but better.

9) Anti-development. When so-called "property " is developed, birds, trout, and black people suffer. Nature's way is best. No development. Anywhere. Ever again. In fact, the resources that would have gone into development will be freed to go into high union wages instead.

10) No Special Privileges. Equal treatment for all, except to obtain equal outcomes for all. But that is not a "special privilege". Neither are special accomodations for the thinking class "special privileges"; we need more because we think more, to enhance the common good. Profits are special privileges, however, and must be elimimnated.

11) Anti-bankers. Bankers are a major cause of poverty, dislocation, and oppression -- while serving no useful purpose. They are the fourth class; the enemy (or criminal) class, which will not exist in our improved world.

12) Anti-speculators. Speculation is unearned wealth made on the backs of working people. Speculating must be abolished; all decisions must have risk-free deterministic outomes. This can only be acheived by expanding the government to the entire economy. And by eliminating the criminal class.

13) Anti-wealth. Wealth breeds corruption, and a poor populace breeds government honesty. Also, material posessions are an affront to nature.

14) Anti self-interest. All deeds must be selflessly done for others without any expectation, or hope, of compensation. When people no longer expect rewards related to their efforts, they will work harder for the pleasure of it. Of course, their basic needs will be met by regular guranteed government checks.

15) Education. Strong teachers' unions, no private competition, and curriculums designed by government-appointed experts are the keys to quality education. Along with higher school taxes. It's for the children.

16) Freedom of Speech. This is the bedrock of democracy. Except for television networks. And advertising. And radio broadcasts. And anti-union agitation. And job interviews. And tenant interviews. And hurtful or insensitive comments about one's race, religion, ethnicity, gender, sexual preference, veteran's status, age, weight, height, and criminal record.

If there are any attorneys reading this, I would like to request that you expand this document (pro bono) to at least 200 pages without changing its meaning.