Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Democrats to Enact My Agenda: Amerikkka is now Amerika

Election Day is over, and the Amerikkkan people spoke as one, against the cruel and selfish policies of Bush and his criminal cronies. From re-electing a genuine Socialist Congressperson to receiving the highest levels of international approval, Amerikkka is now Amerika -- as both houses of Congress have been restored to leaders with a vision of unity and diversity among the Amerikan collective.

And I weep. I weep with the joy and anticipation of the Democrats fulfilling their promises to the Amerikan people:

1. Raising the minimum wage. Hundreds of economists cannot be wrong; I recommend at least $500/hour to remedy past injustices.

2. Pull the moron military out of Iraq. And, please, follow my advice on how to end this terrible, terrible quagmire.

3. Open Amerika’s borders. And, again, follow my recipe, starting with the elimination of all customs controls and border checks.

4. Increase taxes. We will never become a wealthy nation until everyone’s incomes are completely taxed away.

5. Reduce interest rates on student loans. Preferably to zero. For that matter, force banks to loan money for nothing, too. But make them pay more interest to account holders. Or just eliminate all tuition instead.

6. Lower drug prices. Again, preferably to zero. Hell, just make everything free already!

I would like to add a couple of my own suggestions. I know that Speaker Pelosi is reading this, so I assume that they will be implemented.

1. Hang George W. Bush for high crimes against the World’s People.

2. Restore Saddam Hussein to the Iraqian Presidency. Amerikkka’s attack made everyone worse off; surely, restoring President Hussein will bring us back to that happier, pre-invasion period.

3. Form strategic alliances with Islamic nations to defend against Zionist aggression.

The collective voice of the Amerikan people has demanded change, and the will of the majority must be enforced. As any child knows, the majority decides everything for all of us. Majority wins.

I look forward to a new Amerika.


Anonymous said...

Ever on optimist, aren't you?

Red Tulips said...

Hey, Professor Kurgman, the strategic alliances with Muslim nations is already in early stages of being enacted!

Yay, your dreams are coming true! But we musn't be too happy while Palestinian children are starving.

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