I am Palestinian!

I am Palestinian.

From the dawn of civilization, men have behaved cruelly towards one another -- raping, pillaging, stealing, oppressing, polluting, exploiting, profiteering, and so forth. This list of atrocities is endless. How are we to synthesize the suffering of humans? How can it be expressed as a single word? A word, indeed, that tugs at the heart and rests in the bowels of our collective consciousness?

Let me reveal an incident that happened in the food co-op yesterday. I was perusing the shelves looking for some ginger Soy-Moo to relieve a distressing gastric disorder, and realized they were out of stock. (Well, that's capitalism for you.) But I saw a glimmer in a floor crevice. What is this? Mouse droppings! I was tempted to try them because they were pre-digested and would therefore not be a burden on my constitution. But sadly, they were animal products.

Or are they? The co-op mice, I realized, subsist on organic food. So, their feces are, strictly speaking, organic. And, to make matters even better, mice feces are free -- the way everything ought to be.

I gave in to temptation, and knelt over. Then, I crouched onto all fours, lowered my head, and dragged my tongue on the floor -- and with the adhesion of epoxy, the droppings clung to my tongue. After moistening them with my salivary excretions, I swallowed. This was ecstasy. I immediately curled into a fetal position, emitted flatulence, and scoured the crevice for more feces.

And then I heard a voice. It was the store manager, commanding me to get up. Not even in Hitler's was there as grotesque a barbarian as the store manager. I stared back, from the floor. My beard was smudged with mouse excreta and my bottom was in a pool of some days-old spilled dairy product. I ran my tongue through the fecal matter in my teeth. And the store manager was violating my very being by denying my most basic human rights.

I started to tremble. My blood pressure rose. A liquid passed from my anal cavity. And I rose. Like a warrior with nothing left to lose, I rose. And I stared at Hitler. And I stared at the accumulating brownshirt customers. And as I summoned my every last ounce of strength, I felt invulnerable. The air was thick with tension and the aroma of my bodily excretions. And at once, I threw my head back, and raised my clenched fists and said softly: "I am Palestinan"

"Yes, I am Palestinian."

"OH YES, I AM PALESTINIAN!"

I wailed to the world: "SAY IT AGAIN! OHHHH YE-E-ESSS!! I. AM. PALESTINIAN!"

The Zionists of the food co-op were defeated! I threw off my shackles and in my triumphant delirium, I projectile vomited my digested feces onto the fresh produce. With stomach acids dripping from my beard, I exited from the food co-op, promising to never, never, stop fighting.

I am Palestinian!

Private Property is Theft

Private property is theft.

In fact, there can be no such thing as private property because everything in Amerikkka has been the result of theft. Look at it this way: If something is stolen, then how could the thief have any claim to it? And isn't Amerikkka the biggest thief that the world has ever seen?

Now, how exactly has this theft occurred?

1. By stealing land. From the genocide of the Indigenous Peoples to the colonization of Latin America and the Middle East (with help from the insidious Zionists), Amerikkka has expropriated endless land.

2. By stealing resources. Oil in Iraq. Coffee beans in Latin America. Cocoa in Africa. The military invades, rapes the Indigenous, and carries the booty onto waiting ships.

3. By stealing labor. From slavery in Amerikkka to present-day slavery in Africa and Asia, Amerikkkans benefit from the work of slaves around the world. In fact, the Haliburton plants in Mali produce the mutagenic isotopes that are used to poison the Indigenous everywhere. For profit.

The above three items account for everything you see around you, from aeronautics to biotechnology to entertainment to telecommunications. It's all been stolen from the Indigenous Sun People from Elsewhere.

The solution, clearly, is to immediately nationalize every sector of the economy and ban all private property. Only then will Amerikkka achieve the greatness seen by other, superior societies where nothing was ever stolen.

I am, of course, referring to the USSR. Their land was immense. Their natural resources, from oil to farm land, were abundant. And their labor force cheerfully worked for the glory of The Fatherland. And the result, of course, was triumphant equality. Until they were undermined by the moron Reagan and his bag of filthy Zionist tricks.

If I were not tenured, I would move to an honest country, like Cuba, tomorrow.

Kathy's Thanksgiving Message

I was very touched by my PhD-candidate Kathy’s heartfelt Thanksgiving message…

my mom said i ought to go fuck myself, but i said, like, shut your fat fucking ass up? u wanna see me have a fucking abortion right on the fucking dinner table, bitch? i'll fucking do it too! like, u ought to go fucking talk, with your murdered turkey?

She is my pride.

The rest of her message is here.

Genocide in Australia

My recent post that discussed the necessity of restitution to descendants of slaves in Amerikkka evoked this comment:

Lexcen said...

"Prof, can you come to Australia, we need you to help our INDIGENOUS PEOPLE. They want our Prime Minister to say "sorry" for crimes committed by our ancestors to the aboriginal inhabitants of this continent. Your understanding and brilliant approach to this type of issue would be an asset to us befuddled and confused usurpers of this country."

To this, I say "sorry" is not enough.

Australia, like the Zionist Entity, is the rightful nation of the indigenous people. And as a filthy apartheid state (like the Zionist Entity), Australia must be returned to its true owners.

No, I have never been to Australia. But I have academic credentials that certify me as being far more knowledgeable than the sum of white criminals who have stolen other people's land. And my thoughts are magnified by my heart; a heart that sympathizes with the indigenous of Australia, as their numbers diminish at the hands of the murderous Ice People.

Here is what must be done:

1. The indigenous of Australia must reclaim their entire nation by any means necessary; I recommend rocket attacks on cities and defensive detonations of daycare centers.

2. Amerikkka must confess to its complicity in the subjugation of the Indigenous, starting with an apology for the CIA funding of the Australian terror state.

3. Australian Ice People must turn over all their assets to the Australian Indigenous, and then return to The United Kingdom.

4. The descendants of the murdering Ice People shall pay reparations to the Australian Indigenous in perpetuity. I recommend special income taxes, and perhaps yellow stars so that those liable can be identified.

I will do my part by acknowledging that I am a member of a group that has, throughout history, benefited from stealing from those without. I am ashamed to be one of them.

My Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives

Having read Michael Moore’s recent pledge, I felt that it was my obligation to prepare a similar, and yet more honest, pledge. Here it is, point by point:

Mike and

Me.

(For those readers who lack a graduate degree, the above indicates that Mike’s original letter is in plain type, and my more honest letter is in bold.)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Conservatives and Republicans,

I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don't want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand.

Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power -- and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you.

We are now in charge. We are now your patrons, and you are our now our children. Stupid children, but nonetheless our children—and our burden. But don’t be upset. As certified experts, we know exactly how to run everyone’s lives—including yours. Fortunately, we are benevolent rulers, and can afford to promise you the following:

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us. This way, we will know who you are. And instead of calling you “unpatriotic”, we will call you “inmates”.

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." And by that, we mostly mean “Christian”, which of course does not let you off the hook for endless ridicule. Anyway, who you marry is none of our business, as long as we can collect lots of marriage-penalty taxes. And preferably, you won’t have any children.

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you—primarily by expanding entitlement programs, government agencies, and enforcing many new regulations for your otherwise misdirected lives.

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too, to face charges of genocide. They deserve to live to see their sentences handed down. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie—or, for that matter, any other reason whatsoever.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. For that matter, we also promise that you will be able to do or buy anything at all, regardless of your ability to pay. Everything will be free. And everything will be abundant. And everything will be of the highest quality.

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water by terminating all economic activity, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill ten million people on our soil with nuclear weapons, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you. He (or she!) will not be able to do that twice.

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business, as long as it doesn’t involve completing your 1040, or harboring thoughts of hate, or trying to get your child out of the public-school district, or hiring domestic help without full benefits and a pension, or doing anything that diminishes the greater good. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived—unlike Christians, who always have first-birthday celebrations when their child is three months old.

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun (or for that matter, a package of Sudafed) to kill a rapist invading your house, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons by confiscating them only from law-abiding people. We will protect your children just as we would protect ours, except that we don’t have children, but we still know what’s best for yours.

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.

10. When we raise the minimum wage to $300/hour, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. And everyone in the country will get ten free acres in Greenwich CT. When women are finally paid what men make (for instance, when airline pilots earn dental hygienist salaries), we will pay conservative women that wage, too.

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.

11. We will respect your religious beliefs if they are Islamic. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("When you meet the unbelievers in jihad, chop off their heads," "O Prophet! Make war against the unbelievers and the hypocrites and be merciless against them. Their home is hell, an evil refuge indeed," "In order that Allah may separate the pure from the impure, put all the impure ones one on top of another in a heap and cast them into hell.”). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless Amerikkka, he is actively trying to destroy Amerikkka. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with Christian fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the Jews. We will go after any elected leader who puts the Zionist Entity ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST, simply because there are none. Except for Senator Lieberman. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. But, again, don’t waste your breath. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when Senator Lieberman goes astray. We will destroy him and the entire Zionist Occupied Government. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.

I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.

I promise all of the above to you because this is what you are deserve, as you are all depraved Amerikkkans. Unfortunately, we are all in this together—as we sink to the bottom because of you. But since you have no power any longer, it is safe to thank you for your years of service to this country (just don’t ask me what it was!) and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.

Signed,

Professor Peter Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD

P.S. Michael, I still haven’t heard from you about my appearing in your next movie. Please fire the traitor who performs your administrative tasks and resubmit your invitation to me.

Slavery Restitution Q&A

If there’s one thing I admire more than a lawyer, it’s an outraged lawyer who files class-action suits for her rights to slavery restitution.

Now, you might wonder whether you are also entitled to restitution money. Of course you are. But perhaps, under some circumstance, perhaps not. And so, I have prepared a simple Q&A so you can see if your grievances can be addrressed.

Q: One of my eight great-grandparents was a slave. Does it matter what the other seven were doing?

A: No. Your blood molecules have been seared with the memory of slavery. You are owed money.

Q: One of my 32 great great grandparents was a slave. Can I collect?

A: You are owed vast sums of money. And an apology from me for having ancestors who were not slaves.

Q: Some of my ancestors were black slaves, but others were white slave owners. What happens to me? Help!

A: This depends on what you look like. Do others see you as a Person of Color? If so, they are in your debt, and you can collect.

Q: None of my ancestors were slaves, but my father was a rapist. If people are owed money because of ancestral slavery, will I go to prison because of ancestral criminality?

A: Being a so-called “rapist” does not necessarily make one a criminal. For instance, was your father a rapist for religious reasons? That would not only absolve him of guilt, but it might bring you restitution. For that matter, did your father have control over his actions? Many people have no control over their mind and therefore have no choice in how they behave. If he meets this criterion, and he is a Sun Person, then you are entitled to compensation.

Q: I’m a black native of Africa who just moved to Amerikkka. My ancestors sold slaves to your ancestors. Where’s my money!

A: My apologies, humble Person of The Sun. I owe you much, and will demand that my university cut you a check.

Q: I live in Sudan and own several slaves. I hate you and I hate your fucking country. Someday, I will kill you and all the other filthy Zionist Americans. I have the will; all I need are the means.

A: With all due respect, Sir, I am not a Zionist! In fact, I am on your side – I recycle! And I vote! I share your anger, and suggest that you focus on “Red States” -- starting with Texas. Please let me know if there’s anything else I can do to accommodate you. My favorite Soy-Moo recipe is enclosed.

I Get My Best Ideas from Utility Poles

Lest you think the title above refers to some demeaning “ethnic joke”, I will clarify by pointing out that I am referring to a touching sign that was glued to a utility pole.

And that I will use this as a basis for a course next semester.

And I will encourage my students to plaster this message on every utility pole with the strongest-bonding glue they can find.

And in every public space.

And in every private space, and especially on store windows.

And on car windshields.

And on their parents’ so-called “belongings”, especially on their clothing.

And on next Election Day, inside the voting booth.

Because it matters.

Socialism Lives in My Classroom

First, I urge you to click on the above picture to get a true feel for how I conduct my classes.

That said, I must congratulate myself for being one of the most popular professors in my university; the students cannot say enough good things about me.

Here's why:

A) Grade Redistribution. At the end of the semester, the classroom (i.e., "I") equalizes everyone's final-exam grades through a form of taxation. For example, say the average final-exam grade is 70 -- but not everyone has a 70. We remedy this by taking ten points from the student who gets an 80, and awarding them to the student who gets a 60. Similarly, a student with a perfect 100 would be "taxed" forty points to help the student who received a 30.

B) "Single Payer" Term Papers. We do not run a classroom like the way the barbaric Amerikkka runs its health-care system. Instead, we have "single payer" term papers. Here's how it works: Instead of different students contributing different levels of effort into their term papers, I instead assign a grad student (i.e., the "single payer") to write papers everyone in the class. All the students need to do is request the length, and the grad student will write the papers at no expense to the students. Then, the grad student will randomly distribute the papers to the students, which they will then submit. This process ensures equality of outcome at no cost to anyone, and hence guarantees success every time. And, no, the students are not allowed to "opt out" -- as that would destroy the system.

C) Homework Sharing. A students homework is not his (or hers, or hishers) but instead belongs to all the students. And this is why homework is done in two phases. Phase 1: "Normal" submission of homework. Phase 2: The classroom permits the so-called "weaker" students free access to any other student's homework for inclusion in their own assignments. Not only does this tend to equalize outcomes, but it also stresses the concept of "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need." Next semester, the classroom will implement this idea for all exams, as well.

D) Disability-Adjusted Final Grades. Students are given a higher final grade if they can demonstrate how a learning handicap has held them back. Most often, the evidence we need is poor scholarship, as this in itself is proof of a learning disability. Other evidence can include membership in any racial, ethnic, or gender group that can legitimately claim grievances of educational challenges from past centuries.

The Amerikan Christian Theocracy vs. Our Children

With the new Democratic Congress, I am optimistic that the battle against the Amerikan Christian Theocracy will be won.

The gravest danger the world faces (next to International Zionism) is Amerikan Christianity. It is supremacist, homophobic, intolerant, cruel, misogynistic, and utterly incapable of reform. From Richard Nixon to Ronald Reagan to the most hideous monster ever, W. Shrub (this is no time for joking, but still – get the joke?), the Christians have unleashed their merciless reign of terror on the Amerikan people in the most depraved manner conceivable.

As a result, we are now living under a Christian totalitarianism—with rules created by the subfascist murdering swine Bush, instigated and paid for by Zionist neocons and their banks, and enforced by the blood-drenched fist of the Amerikan military and the morons who they recruit.

The Dark Ages have returned, and our children are the main victims. Our public schools have been turned into tools of the Theocracy. Our children are being tortured (yes, TORTURED!) into becoming accomplices of the most evil cult ever. Since when does the fucking Amerikan Constitution permit torture against children?

Yes, I will use profane language to establish irrefutable points.

The solution: The Democrats must adopt my four-point program:

1. Impeach Bush.

2. Hang Bush and his cronies.

3. Encourage all Christianists to attend life-long sentences in Alaskan academies.

4. Establish a secular nation, dedicated to the principles of Scientific Socialism.

Democrats: Do it for the children. Otherwise, you might be thought of as child molesters.

Remember, this is what is mandated in every Amerikan school today; let’s bring up our children in the proper way instead.

The Election: The People Speak

Democrats to Enact My Agenda: Amerikkka is now Amerika

Election Day is over, and the Amerikkkan people spoke as one, against the cruel and selfish policies of Bush and his criminal cronies. From re-electing a genuine Socialist Congressperson to receiving the highest levels of international approval, Amerikkka is now Amerika -- as both houses of Congress have been restored to leaders with a vision of unity and diversity among the Amerikan collective.

And I weep. I weep with the joy and anticipation of the Democrats fulfilling their promises to the Amerikan people:

1. Raising the minimum wage. Hundreds of economists cannot be wrong; I recommend at least $500/hour to remedy past injustices.

2. Pull the moron military out of Iraq. And, please, follow my advice on how to end this terrible, terrible quagmire.

3. Open Amerika’s borders. And, again, follow my recipe, starting with the elimination of all customs controls and border checks.

4. Increase taxes. We will never become a wealthy nation until everyone’s incomes are completely taxed away.

5. Reduce interest rates on student loans. Preferably to zero. For that matter, force banks to loan money for nothing, too. But make them pay more interest to account holders. Or just eliminate all tuition instead.

6. Lower drug prices. Again, preferably to zero. Hell, just make everything free already!

I would like to add a couple of my own suggestions. I know that Speaker Pelosi is reading this, so I assume that they will be implemented.

1. Hang George W. Bush for high crimes against the World’s People.

2. Restore Saddam Hussein to the Iraqian Presidency. Amerikkka’s attack made everyone worse off; surely, restoring President Hussein will bring us back to that happier, pre-invasion period.

3. Form strategic alliances with Islamic nations to defend against Zionist aggression.

The collective voice of the Amerikan people has demanded change, and the will of the majority must be enforced. As any child knows, the majority decides everything for all of us. Majority wins.

I look forward to a new Amerika.

Behind the Counter

The other day, I was in the enemy territory of a for-profit retailer, and noticed the following in the decongestant aisle:

It pleased me to see that purchasing this product (which you should never do, as it only enriches the pharmaceutical corporatists) now requires three steps:

1. Go to the decongestant aisle

2. Bring this slip of paper to the pharmacy

3. Accept product

It brings back memories of the compassionate Soviet system, where you would

1. Find a product

2. Stand on line to exchange it for a voucher

3. Stand on another line to exchange the voucher and your payment for a receipt

4. Stand on a third line to exchange the receipt for the product

The main difference, of course, is that under socialism, you would not be enriching said corporatists.

But otherwise, it is a step in the right direction – and was endorsed in 513 beautifully-written words of prose by Senator Feinstein.

I laud any effort to move decisions from uninformed consumers to knowledgeable experts – and I envision a day when all purchases will need to be approved for the good of the consumer.

In fact, I even brought it up at a meeting of my food co-op board. I demanded that our open shelves be closed and that all requests for food must be submitted in quadruplicate to the co-op leaders, who would then carefully review each item for approval.

Of course, our Consumer’s Co-op Bill of Rights would require a response within ninety days. Or, failing that, a decision deferral would be returned within said ninety days.

Some decisions…no, all decisions are too important to be left to the common person.

How to End the Iraq Quagmire

1. Bring the Morons Home. These are our children, and our future. And they will need to attend sensitivity classes for many years to remedy what they did at Abu Ghraib. These classes will be at the university level, which will accomplish the dual goals of A) Making college grads out of them so that they will never again join the military, and B) Allowing an increase in the tenured academic workforce.

2. Invite Iran to join NATO to resist international Zionist aggression. And, for that matter, encourage North Korea to join the European Union. Eventually, with the Zionist threat removed, the expanded NATO and the EU should be absorbed into the Warsaw Pact.

I will now need to wrestle with the moral dilemma of how to preserve the Sun People of Islam and Africa (including people in the West with Islamic DNA markers) while furthering the cause of human extinction to preserve the environment.

Kerry Was Right: Morons DO Join The Military!

Why the commotion over Senator Kerry's remarks? Isn't it true that dumb people are more likely to end up in the military?

I ask you: How many people get a PhD and then become cannon fodder for the Republicans’ racist oil wars? And I'll bet there are no triple-PhDs in the army! I can assure you, my loyal readers, that I certainly had no intentions of serving in Vietnam! Teaching deferment? Check! Student deferment? Check! Ambiguous sexual-leanings deferment? Check! Conscientious objector deferment? Check!

Now, you might ask, "Professor, what if there was a moral war? Like perhaps one to defend Socialism against its Amerikkkan and Zionist enemies? Would you then contribute?"

And I would answer, "Not when there are morons to serve in my place. Just ask Senator Kerry!"

Simply put, my contributions to society are indispensable -- indeed, too valuable to be stifled by the oppressiveness of a cold and uncaring army. But morons are entirely replaceable; they should be quite willing to defend Socialism in the name of enlightened educators -- the very educators who they will never meet because they were raised by dumb people in Christian parts of the country where lynchings are still daily occurrences. They are the ones who are destined to put on a uniform! (And yes, I’ve been known to sometimes don military garb in the tradition of legendary leaders such as Fidel and Kim Jong-Il, although I would be happier if President Kim wore natural fibers).

I'm a fighter for the people -- the bravest type of fighter! Not one who takes the easy way out by taking orders from a moron in an Amerikkkan uniform, but a fighter who takes dangerous risks by developing ideas, instigating change, and advocating for the working class. Anyone can take gunfire. But only the most educated people, indeed, the very crust of the academic pie -- can resist the right-wing fascists in the halls of academia.

Only the most tenured can slay the fascist monsters by bravely speaking the truth. Our enemies do not fear guns, but they are petrified by my words.

Fortunately, none of my educated students (and yes, they are very educated) have any desire to risk their lives for Halliburton's blood-profits. And I encourage this every day by reminding them that academic resistance is the only way to defeat our common enemies of Zionism, capitalism, and the fraudulent so-called "nation" of Amerikkka.

Senator Kerry, you have an open invitation to speak to my students. And you will not have to worry about any morons in the room; they're in the army instead!

Vote!

There is no activity more important than voting, except paying your taxes and maybe jury duty (to free the accused). So, Why is voting so important?

A) Morality is guided by popularity. This is why we organize street protests -- to show the world that our causes are legitimized by our numbers.

B) Voting expresses the will of the people. If I recall, Saddam Hussein received precisely 100% of the vote before racist Amerikkka attacked him, and thereby denying the will of the Iraqi people.

C) Voting is a show of equality. "One man, one vote" may sound misogynist, but it is demonstration of how no one's opinion is more valid than anyone else's.

D) Voting is fair. Under capitalism, people with different wealth and different desires live different lives. But if we all voted for what we eat, what we wear, etc., then we could all be identical in our blissful equality.

E) If you think that Point (D) contradicts our goal of achieving diversity, then you obviously do not have a PhD.

F) People are not capable of governing their own lives, but excel at selecting leaders to run their lives for them.

G) It encourages political advertising. You can learn as much from political ads as you can from listening to NPR.

H) People's parties from Cambodia to Cuba to the CCCP have sacrificed so that you can vote for their brethren in Amerikkka; do not let them down.

I) One vote can determine an election. Happens all the time.

Please, peeps, remember to vote.

No matter who you support, when Election Day comes, please vote for The People's Party -- or at least vote Democratic.

Also, my spectacular PhD candidate, Kathy, prepared a beautifully-written essay on the meaning of Election Day ; it is worth reading.