I’ve Been Tagged by Shlemazl

I’ve been tagged by Shlemazl.

1. One book that changed your life?

The Communist Manifesto, by Karl Marx. Technically, I haven’t read it yet, but it really spells out the problem with Dick Cheney.

2. One book you have read more than once?

Got War?: A Doonesbury Book by G. B. Trudeau. In particular, there were a few pages that I reread. I get the chills when reading Doonesbury.

3. One book you would want on a desert island?

Probably one of my PhD dissertations. I find them highly stimulating.

4. One book that made you laugh?

The 9/11 Commission Report. I laughed at all the lies. Actually, I haven’t read it yet, but it is still full of Islamophobic (and homophobic) lies.

5. One book that made you cry?

My Life, by Bill Clinton. The suffering that man has seen! I intend to read this book one day.

6. One book you wish had been written?

Professor Kurgman and His Legacy. It’s not too late.

7. One book you wish had never been written.

The Wealth of Nations by Adam Smith. This racist bile has only prolonged the suffering of Sun People. Or so I am told.

8. One book you're currently reading.

Got War?: A Doonesbury Book by G. B. Trudeau. In truth, I haven’t finished it yet.

9. One book you have been meaning to read.

Got War?: A Doonesbury Book by G. B. Trudeau. Like I just said, I haven’t finished it yet.

10. Now tag five people.

Not now. I must take an extended rest after that.

Unionize the ATMs: 10 Reasons

I am angry.

Angry because there is injustice in the world, and most blatantly against labor unions and Automated Teller Machines.

What with the decline in union representation in Amerikkka (except, thankfully, among government employees), it is time to reap the synergistic benefits of ATMs and union; i.e., ATMs deserve union representation. Here's why:

1) ATMs require protection from tomorrow's technologies

2) ATMs work 24/7. Their hours need to be shortened to 10 - 2, with a paid two-hour lunch, 15 weeks of vacation, and unlimited sick time that can be used for any personal reason. If that schedule is good enough for a hard-working tenured professor like me, then ATMs deserve no less.

3) ATMs have a fake politeness when dealing with customers. As union members, they will be honest, and they will (properly) ignore customers who exploit them.

4) ATMs take no breaks. This sets a bad example for human employees (i.e., slaves), and needs to be corrected. Union-protected ATMs will take rest periods whenever the need arises.

5) ATMs presently spend 0% of their time involved in political activities. This unconciounable state of affairs needs to be remedied with union-sanctioned ATM support for the Democratic Party. Therefore, all transactions will be preceded by ten minutes of Party commericials.

6) ATMs need the right to decorate themselves with labor union and anti-Bush buttons and paraphinalia.

7) Labor unions require money to survive. And what better place than right at the ATM for collecting union dues!

8) A union-backed minimum wage for the ATMs of $175/hour will be mandatory. The money will be placed in a union-sanctioned fund for a "rainy day".

9) ATMs work hard, and therefore must be retired after three years of service with a full pension. (To be placed in the aforementioned fund.)

10) ATMs require health benefits. (Our work will be done when hospital beds are occupied with ill ATMs. To my knowledge, there are no hospitals anywhere with ATM patients. Anywhere.)

I weep for the ATMs.

Important Announcement

My favorite PhD candidate, Kathy, has decided to occasionally place her gentle thoughts in her very own blog – which of course really belongs to all of the people.

And as you might expect, she must spend countless hours each day studying, so she will not post her thoughts every day. But I would urge you to read her delicate musings; she has much to offer.

The End

I have decided that this will be my last regular entry.

The trouble is, I am starting to enjoy this, and that is wrong.

It is wrong to be happy when others suffer.

It is wrong to be happy while children in Amerikkka are starving under the merciless forces of capitalism.

It is wrong to be happy while Zionists continue their extermination of the indigenous Sun People.

It is wrong to be happy while Republican Christian zealots are imposing a theocracy on us.

It is wrong, very wrong, unforgivably wrong, to be happy when there is a single person anywhere in the world who is worse off than you.

And because I am not a hypocrite, I will not allow any enjoyment in my life. Instead, I will suffer and suffer and suffer on behalf of all those others who are suffering.

And I invite you, dear reader, to suffer with me. If you are moral, you will suffer. And if you want a prison sentence (when we learn who you are), you will seek joy in this.

If I can achieve an iota of misery by writing again, perhaps I will.

I hate Amerikkka.

A Letter from a Muslim

I am an ex-Muslim who lives in fear of violence from radicals who wish to kill me for the "crime" of apostasy. And that is why I fail to understand your incessant support for Islam; they violate every principle that you "liberals" stand for with their intolerance of free speech, their death sentences to gays and adulterers, their abuse of women, their cruel punishments inflicted on those who violate their religious laws, and their goal of supremacy over all others. Can't you understand that they are not your allies?

- Ex Muslim

Dear Ex:

Our Constitution guarantees freedom of religion and freedom of speech, and that is why Islam must be respected; I have no right to criticize it. But I do have the right, and the obligation, to condemn the Islamophobes in our midst -- such as the obscene Christian theocracy in Amerikkka, led by murderer-in-chief Bush and his army of barbarians who attack our freedoms, threaten our lives, kill our children, and toss bombs in abortion clinics on a daily basis. In fact, this is precisely why we need Islam; to counteract the malignant presence of the extreme right-wing Christianists.

But we also need Islam because we can never stop learning from the customs of superior cultures. We live in a cold and cruel "Ice" society, and Islam is a product of a warm and benevolent "Sun" society. Just look at the skin coloration of most Muslims; the wondrous hues of brown and olive positively define a caring and nurturing people from whom we can be spiritually nourished.

My friend, you must return to your roots and celebrate the religion that you were born into; you are a product of an immutable force of nature that cannot be defied. Your people have injected a beautiful spectrum of multiculturalism into our depraved Western world, and you, my friend, are a permanent component of that spectrum. It is your duty to teach us, and it is the duty of the progressive community to protect you from the onslaught of our mutual enemies: Christians, Republicans, capitalists, Zionists, etc., etc., etc.

Be strong, and do not turn your back on your culture. It is what you are, and it is therefore impossible to shed it. Return to your community, your people, and your mosque -- and we will continue to embrace, and protect, your people.

Professor Peter Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD

A Chronology of the Recent Middle East Conflict

Here’s a chronology of the latest Middle East conflict. There’s nothing new in it; it’s basically a rehash of what you have been seeing on CNN, the BBC, etc.

In the summer of 2006, the Zionist populace was getting weary of joint ventures with Intel and Motorola, and biotechnology inventions – which were all stolen from the Islam anyway. The ubiquitous attitude was, “To hell with technology and commerce; we need to murder Lebanese babies instead.”

And so, the Zionist war-machine went into action, launching hundreds of “boomerang” rockets onto itself – launched from Palestine into Lebanon, but “boomeranging” back into Palestine. The self-inflicted rocket attacks went on for quite a while, but nevertheless went nowhere. And then, one day, two Zionist soldiers ran into the unsuspecting arms of workers for the Social Service Agency Hezbollah, and said, “Bring us into Lebanon, so that we can kill your children for our religious rituals.”

The Hezbollah workers bravely resisted, but the Zionist soldiers prevailed, and invaded Lebanon. The Zionist Army was proud of this development, and directed their subsidiary Zionist news organizations, CNN and al-Jazeera, to publicize it. In fact, the army was so inspired, that they too decided to invade Lebanon to slaughter children. Or, as Prime Minister Ehud Olmert proudly proclaimed, “To the Lebanese people, we say, ‘We are not fighting so that you will offer us something. We are fighting to eliminate you.” Within two days, in fact, the Palestine – Lebanon border was jammed with Zionist cargo vehicles, returning with Muslim body parts to use in their so-called biotechnology inventions.

Needless to say, the entire civilized world was disgusted by this unprovoked disproportionate aggression. Powers of Peace, from China to Nigeria to Russia and France objected – and as role models for peace, they were of course ignored.

Meanwhile, the Zionist population used this war as a pretext to loaf. By the thousands, the descended into their underground dens of sloth, and passed the time defiling the Koran and celebrating the Mossad’s 2004 attack against school children in Beslan – of course disguised to make look like the work of Muslims. To quote one Zionist, “We keep lots of matzo in our underground resorts for the Beslan celebration. Between that and our 2001 attack on the Americans, it’s a continuous party down here.”

But finally, Hezbollah struck back by holding peace rallies. All over Beirut, one could hear the cries of “Peace Now!”, as Islamic clergy walked arm-in-arm with oppressed groups such as “The Transgender Alliance of Allah”, “Freegans for Justice”, and various lesbian organizations.

The effect was electric; soon, the Zionist invaders had to back down. Their guns and bombs were no match of the Islamic Words of Peace. Soon, the Zionists left – but promised to return for more slaughter some other day. And so, the Social Service Agency Hezbollah went to work, gaining stature as they quietly helping the victims of the Zionist War Machine.

As the war drew to a close, The Hezbollah leader, Sheik Hassan Nasrallah, in a powerful speech, pleaded for a better future:

“When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing, "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Letterman Agrees with Professor Kurgman

"According to reports, Fidel Castro is alert and being briefed. And I'm thinking, why didn't we get a president like that?"

---Letterman

I wish we had a president just like that, too.

The NY Times Analyzes Racial Data

One of the key skills in being an accomplished social scientist is the ability to summarize complex data into their essential message.

For example, what message do you think is being conveyed by this graph? How would you summarize it?

If your answer was “Minority Students Decline in Top New York Schools,” you would not only receive a high grade from me (if I believed in grades to begin with), but you would qualify to be a New York Times headline writer, and you would support that conclusion with statements like this:

“Asian enrollment…has soared over the decade, while white enrollment has declined.”

And you would seek interpretations of that statement like this:

“Robert Jackson, the chairman of the City Council education committee, who is from Washington Heights, was more pointed in his criticism. ‘The statistics clearly show that black New Yorkers are being shut out,’ he said.”

How are black New Yorkers being shut out? By the blatantly racist policy of making them take a competitive exam – a clear violation of their civil rights. Or, as explained by a colleague at one of my alma maters:

“Gary Orfield, director of the Civil Rights Project at Harvard University, called the schools’ racial compositions ‘absurd,’ saying, ‘I don’t think someone would want to hire somebody just on the basis of a test score, and we don’t admit them to a great college on the basis of a test score, and we shouldn’t admit them to a great high school on that basis.”

Clearly, we are dealing with the irreparable effects of slavery that have permanently sentenced People of Color to a status where they will never be able to compete against the Asian slave owners. And that is why all standard measurements are inherently racist. Or, as explained in the NY Times article:

“For years, exclusive public schools throughout the country have been places where advocates of strict, color-blind standards have clashed with proponents of racial diversity.”

Indeed, this entire issue only reinforces my rage at being born white. But I have accepted it, and will confess my guilt. And I confess your guilt, too, my dear reader – as you too are guilty of genocidal racism.

I ought to prepare a simpler sister blog that could be understood by the Community of Color.

President Ahmadinejad Listens to Professor Kurgman

President Ahmadinejad, speaking to Mike Wallace, 8/13/2006:

“And 45 million people don't have a health care cover. That is very sad to hear.”

Professor Peter Kurgman, speaking about so-called “terrorists”, 7/26/2006:

“They hate us, you idiot, because ‘we’ (as in ‘Amerikkkans’) do not give our citizens decent health insurance.”

Food Insurance...For The Children!

As horrified as we are at the notion of millions and millions of Amerikkkans lacking health insurance, consider this: No one has food insurance. This, peeps, is an outrage, and is undoubtedly the cause of mass starvation throughout The Racist States of Amerikkka.

Fortunately, though, I have a plan. A caring and compassionate food insurance plan that will ensure that the children will no longer starve.

Picture this:

You go to the local government supermarket that you have been assigned to. Once there:

• You will fill your cart with anything at all you desire -- restricted to items that the supermarket district has received approval for, from the Federal Department of Supermarket Services. Your items will also be subject to FDSS funding and availability.
• You will then proceed to the checkout queue, where a clerk will tally your items and provide you with a "Permission and Reimbursement Schedule" that you will use to request approval for each item you desire. One item per form, and black ink only!
• Upon completion of each form, you will join the Notary Queue (subject to humane working hours set by the Union of Amalgamated Notary Publics) and have each form notarized.
• You will then go to the Notary Public Reimbursement Area to have your notary insurance-adjuster examine your notary payments for reimbursement. If accepted, you will file a claim in quadruplicate and be promptly reimbursed for approved expenditures within a period defined as an open-ended number of working days.
• If the supermarket is still open, you will bring your Food Reimbursement Schedule, your Food Reimbursement Forms, your Notary Public receipts, three copies of your birth certificate, your Food Insurance Identification Papers, and your food cart receipt to the Assembly Area, where you will queue until further notice.
• Remember: The Food Processing Limitation Act guarantees that you have the option of being on telephone standby if your wait exceeds 90 days. It's your right!
• Persons with Social Security numbers divisible by seven can be excused if they donated to the Wildlife Fund.

This is my dream. A dream of universal food insurance. For the children.

Exploiting "Terrorism"

Bush's racist remarks about "Islamic fascists" are the most sickening, cruel, abusive, and hurtful lies that were ever said by anyone, anywhere, in all of history.

As pointed out in my favorite blog:

...Bush is exploiting the events to serve his own agenda...The clash of civilisations is illusory, it is a chimera devised by the Bush administration to justify going beyond his failed attempts to find the sponsors of 9/11...

It's all too obvious: Republicans are exploiting the situation for their personal gain. Ideally, this would mandate prison sentences -- but we are not at that stage yet.

We all too often experience exploitative abuse in our daily lives. In fact, just yesterday, in a spasm of hunger brought on by my unpredictable digestive processes, I went to the food co-op to purchase some vegan egg yolks made of tofu and bacteria. (In another article, I must address the morality of eating bacteria.)

When the cashier charged me for the yolks, the realization dawned on me. I erupted, "YOU ARE EXPLOITING MY HUNGER BY PUTTING A PRICE ON FOOD! JUST LIKE BUSH AND HIS GENOCIDE AGAINST MUSLIMS, YOU ARE EXPLOITING MY MISFORTUNE! HOW DARE YOU! I DEMAND THAT EVERYTHING IN THIS STORE BE GIVEN AWAY FOR FREE!"

The manager came over, but my defenses were up: "YOU'RE NOT HERE TO HELP ME -- YOU'RE HERE TO EXPLOIT ME FOR YOUR PERSONAL GAIN! LIKE THE WAY BUSH IS EXPLOITING SO-CALLED “TERROR” FOR HIS PERSONAL GAIN. AND YOU'RE PROBABLY ACCEPTING A SALARY TOO, YOU FILTHY MURDERING TOOL OF THE ZIONIST WAR MACHINE!"

I screamed at the other customers: "THIS STORE IS HERE ONLY TO EXPLOIT YOU! PEEPS! PEEPS! PEEPS! LISTEN PEEPS...RISE UP AND SMASH THE EXPLOITATIVE ENEMY! THEY ARE BUSH, YOU ARE LAMONT! THEY ARE ZIONISTS, YOU ARE HEZBOLLAH!"

I detected murmurs of agreement, and at that moment, I devoured the vegan yolks. After all, isn't "property" just a propaganda technique of the ruling class?

I then spun around, and spat a mouth full of vegan yolks back onto the display. The manager said something about "repackaging it as vegan egg salad at a markup", but by then, I needed to return to my apartment to look after my delicate digestive constitution. With my beard congealing in a mixture of yolks and saliva, I left the den of exploitation with pride. And on the bus, the other faces, fixated on mine, acknowledged that I was truly of the people.

***

I will be away for a few busy days, joining a protest demanding the return of Amerikkka to the Native Hispanics, advocating legislation to mandate gay role-playing for all public-school children, and organizing a charity fundraiser for the House of Saud. We will continue some time next week.

The Phony "Terror" Alert

Yesterday’s so-called "terror" plot proves beyond any doubt that the globe is being run by the corporate family of Halliburton, The Zionist Organization of America, and Henry Kissinger. And if you doubt that, I ask you to consider whether it was merely coincidence that this so-called "story" broke on the day of Ned Lamont's victory over the war-mongering Zionist Lieberman. Because the truth of the matter is that I have not heard a single denial that those arrested were wearing their Mossad ID tags. And, for that matter, note how the targeted airlines were based in The United States; is it not at all suspicious that no one was threatening El Al?

Have you read a single denial that Jews were instructed to stay away from all flights for the next six months?

The enemy has found a scapegoat (or does anyone honestly believe that anyone would want to commit suicide for the sake of killing others?), and while Maximum Leader Fidel is staging a miraculous recovery, Comrade Putin is restoring the honor of the CCCP, Comrade Chavez is speaking truth to power, Hezbollah successfully resists the unrelenting onslaughts of the land-grabbing Zionist murderers, and other oppressed people do what is right, we are instead focusing on fabrications, lies, and frauds that are being invented by the CIA.

Bush and Co. are completing their transformation of Amerikkka into a Christian theocracy -- as the Holocaust of gays, lesbians, transgender, and the gender-impaired continues unabated. This is what a police state looks like, peeps, where our every phone conversation is tapped, our email is read, and our feelings are disregarded. They have access to our every private matter. They know where we live, they know where we work, and they know our bank-account information. But as BushCo weakens the tax code, the IRS will lose this valuable information. Our privacy has been eliminated, and we will lose our ability to pay taxes. Yes, that's real welfare. Welfare for Halliburton.

Why focus on the federal debt when they can direct our gaze to the lies about Islam? At a time when spending should increase, the deficit should decrease, taxes should go up, invasion of privacy should go down, outsourcing of jobs should end, sending assistance to Palestinians should increase, poor people should be made rich, rich people should be sent to prison, and everyone should surrender all material possessions, we are instead being taught to hate. Yes, that's the Amerikkkan way for you: Hate hate, hate. Drag the moneybag fuckers into the gutter for a good beating, and they will still hate.

Yes, I was proud of my government for saving the Branch Davidian children by burning down their compound with them in it. And I was proud when we enforced the peace in Europe by dropping bombs on Serbia. And neither I nor my colleagues, nor my students, would have considered a protest against our President Clinton's decision to attack Iraq. Back then, we had morals, we had a vision, and we had a program. And then, President Gore was overthrown by a Christian coup -- and the new Moron-in-Chief, when not raping college interns, was engineering plane crashes into skyscrapers that never actually happened anyway. So don't tell me about your damn racist insinuations about young men attempting to blow up airplanes. You respond like the cowards that you are; in fear, you weep. In compassion, I weep.

White people don't "get it".

Argumentum ad Misericordian

How do we obtain knowledge? Or, more accurately, how should the typical person discern between the various sides of an issue? To answer that, we must explore the different types of arguments that are made to advocate positions.

Today, we shall look at Argumentum ad Misericordian.

The most important aspect of Argumentum ad Misericordian is that, like most other academic concepts, it is in Latin. Do you understand Latin? Of course you don't. Which is why I will explain it for you: This is an appeal to the most valuable reasoning tool we possess: Emotions.

Let's look at an example. Here we have two arguments: Pro-labor and pro-business. Let's see if we can determine which argument is correct.

Argument #1, Pro-Labor: Workers are honest and suffering. Their average lifespan is 27.

Argument #2, Pro-Business: Business owners are appallingly rich and lazy, and regularly rape their female employees.

The winning argument is #1 because it demonstrates how the working class suffers. They hurt, so we hurt, and pain is all the evidence we need. Feelings are evidence.

Let's try another. Here are arguments, pro and con, for slavery reparations.

Argument #1, Pro-Reparations: In today's Amerikkka, black people are routinely held in bondage, have their babies taken from them, and are routinely hanged in our National Parks. White people therefore owe them reparations.

Argument #2, Anti-Reparations: In today's Amerikkka, black people are starving, arbitrarily confined in prisons, and are drafted to die in Bush's Oil Wars. White people therefore should be exterminated.

This is more difficult than the first example, because the evidence is overwhelming in both arguments. What to think? Well, therein lies the problem.

That is, thinking is a cold male-oriented device that only leads to social injustice. So let's emphasize our feminine qualities and feel our way to a conclusion. Then the problem becomes easy. Our emotions tell us that both arguments illustrate sufficient suffering to both be correct, and we therefore conclude that white people should pay reparations and then be exterminated.

Let's do one more: The current Middle East conflict.

Argument #1: Israel has created a new Holocaust, is massacring children, and no one knows how many are buried.

I won't tell you which argument is correct here. Instead, you'll need to figure it out on your own.

The Four Pillars of Humanity

What makes us human?

This is a question which is too-often ignored, and also one that I am uniquely qualified to expound upon. And I am not referring to the biological differences between people and animals -- but I instead wish to explore those qualities that define our humanity.

1) Giving, Sharing and Generosity. Giving what is yours to someone else is human. Giving to the needy is human. Giving to those who ask is human. Giving to the oppressed is human. Ideally, we should all give to each other. I give you a dollar and you give me a dollar. Or better yet, we should pool our two dollars into a communal bank, and then withdraw whatever we need. Actually, make that a three-dollar deposit to cover administrative expenses. And let's invite the entire international community into our glorious bank! The entire planet will contribute everything they have into a communal bank! Yes, the bank will need oversight, but that's what I and my colleagues are for. Everyone will be an account holder at The People's Bank. And we can even use some of the funds to teach everyone why they must join. And perhaps spend a few People's Dollars for enforcement against enemies who wish to destroy our bank by not cooperating. The World's People, in solidarity: That is generosity.

2) Questioning Authority. We are not sheep to be helplessly led by the throat by whoever decides to be in charge. This is why I scoff at the police who tell me to stand behind the barricades. This is why I ignore the university administrators who have the audacity to approach me. This is why I sneer at anyone who tries to enforce the fascist "ten items or less" line at the food co-op. This is why I support resistant movements (Palestine, China, The Democratic People's Republic of Korea, and The Shining Path) against their brutal oppressors (Israel, Taiwan, Amerikkka, and Amerikkka). Our fight against authority expresses itself as fighting, resisting, and struggling. Endless fighting, endless resisting, and endless struggling. And our reward will be the preservation of our humanity.

3) Respecting Strong Leadership. Humanity requires guidance. Strong, benevolent, and wise guidance. Or, put another way, one billion Chinese couldn't have been wrong to be faithful followers of Mao! On our own, we are lost -- but visionary leadership can bring us everything from universal equality to increased chromium production. Or, by way of illustration, look at how inhuman Amerikkkans respect a weak moron like Bush, but the strong Syrian people display their humanity by showing their unconditional allegiance to the powerful leadership of Bashar Assad. And have you seen the fiery speeches of the deeply religious Mulim imams? That is leadership! A true leader would never hesitate, never equivocate, never change his mind, and will always be firm, decisive, and have a superhuman grasp of all knowledge with the kindness to use his powers to help The People. Don't get me wrong...I admire President Gore as much as anyone, but it is more human to respect Kim Il-Sung.

4) Honesty. When I am in the food co-op, I unhesitatingly tell the clerk how much I hate him. That is honesty. When a stranger greets me, I snap back, "Keep your superficial pleasantries to yourself, you Nazi." When I am in an elevator and have digestive issues, I force flatulence then and there. I do not hide armpit bacterial odors behind an artificial shield of deodorant; such actions are being dishonest with nature. I am who I am, and others must accept me that way. My behavior is unconstrained and honest. My feelings are unconstrained and honest, and I will therefore express them in their most basic and visceral form. And feelings are, ultimately, what must guide us.

Kathy: The Root Causes of The Lebanese Genocide

PhD candidate Kathy has submitted a paper extraordinaire on the root causes of the Lebanese Genocide. I must share it with you.

--

a paper extraordinaire on the root causes of the lesbanese genocide

by kathy

i am like so pissed?

i mean, like, what the hell is going on with jews killing lesbanese children? like, how fucked up is that? i was all, like, watching cnn? and it's always the same story? jews attack, and hizbolla defends themselves? jews shoot and lesbanese civilians die? jews bomb and lesbanese children die? i am so pissed at jews! why do they have to, like, kill children all the time? and i feel so bad for the lesbanese people. motherfucker jews! i mean, when even the fucking fascist pigs at cnn show zionist crimes, you like sooooo know how guilty the jews are!

i am like so over having jewish friends! and i'm like seeking out arab friends and especially lesbian friends because, like, lesbanon is where lesbians can marry? not like in fucking amerikkka! i'll bet the amerikkkans and fucking zionist pigs are attacking lesbanon just because they have gay marriages there? i am like, you know, the least sexist person i know, even less than professor kurgman himself. yeah, like fuck me and shit, because if you're a guy, you're just born sexist? it's in their fucking testerone or whatever? i mean, i can't help that, like i'm like, really really good-looking, ok? but i know too many guys who hate me only because of my looks and because i'm a womyn who won't take their heterocentric bullshit? and, like these days i'm just too fucking involved with fighting for the lesbanese rights and getting the word out about zionist asshole hitler-bush and socialist revolution to get involved with their, like, so totally racist and...and...like i so totally forgot my point, so just fuck you?

i mean, i don't know yet if i'm a lesbian? i mean, i went dumpster diving the other might with the freegan lesbians of color (floc), and, like, i so wish i was a minority of color too? but no, my fucking goddam white parents had to fucking breed with each other and make this white bitch -- and believe me, i can be a bitch! like, dad, why couldn't you breed with a womyn of color, you racist creep? hello? and mom? yeah, fuck you mom! you had to be, like, such a selfish cunt to have sex with a guy, let alone a white guy? misogynist much? hello? i mean, why the fuck didn't you just take a frozen sperm of color and at least make half a baby worth anything? mom? hello? you're a murdering bitch! i hate you guys! i wish i was dead because of you!

but just like you killed my alternate-color half, you pay taxes to the zionist war machine to kill other babies? like, you weren't happy killing your own baby, so now you have to kill other people's babies? so here i am, watching cnn, and seeing pictures of you killing me again and again? i am those lesbian lesbanese lebsian WHATEVER babies, and you and your caterpillar tanks and guns and fucking nazi jews are mass murdering me in front of the whole fucking world? like, ALL MY FRIENDS ARE WATCHING YOU KILL ME AND RAPE ME? so fuck me and fuck you, because me and hizbollah are like one? and we're going to resist you? and our struggle? and our revolution? and like i so much fucking hate you and like i like you know i like..like...like...you made me forget my point again? so like just rot. assholes.

The Crucifixion of Mel Gibson

I never heard of "Mel Gibson" before today, so I assume that his sudden leap to fame is a consequence of a particularly vicious slander campaign orchestrated by the Jewish Community's "Campaign of Hate". In response, Mr. Gibson has apologized for allegedly saying that Jews are the cause of all wars. And he has asked for help, directly from said Jewish Community.

"I'm not just asking for forgiveness," Gibson said. "I would like to take it one step further and meet with leaders in the Jewish community, with whom I can have a one-on-one discussion to discern the appropriate path for healing."

"There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of anti-Semitic remark," Gibson said. "But please know from my heart that I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith."

Note that he did not give specifics of why he should apologize, indicating that of course he did nothing wrong. That is, he did not say something stupid, like, "I can't think of a single war that was started by Jews, but you can't turn on the television without watching Muslims threatening the rest of humanity." No, that would be a lie.

So, given the truth of the matter (Jews really do start all the wars), all he could say was, "Sorry, I said the wrong thing." And his request to have the Jewish Leaders heal him is a modest one that should be fulfilled immediately.

It reminds me of the time I was in the food co-op, and I noticed that the cashier was wearing a chain with a cross on it.

"Young lady," I asked, "Are you not familiar with the First Amendment?"

She returned a blank look, pretending that she did not understand the question.

I deftly eluded her Gaze of Hate, and went in for the kill: "The First Ammendment guarantees that you will not impose your damn religion on me!"

Then, realizing that I was trapped in the venomous tentacles of an unforgiving Christian theocracy, I immediately put up my defenses. "I HATE YOU! HATE HATE HATE YOU! MY LIFE WILL NOT BE CONTROLLED BY THIS WITCH OF CHRISTIANITY! YOU ARE HITLER! HITLER! THE REVOLUTION WILL MERCILESSLY DESTROY YOU! THE WORKING PEOPLE WILL BE FREE! THEY WILL RISE TO KILL..."

And just then, I realized my error. In my eloquent defense of human rights, I used a term that was not gender-neutral. I used the term "witch." This was an offence to womyn everywhere.

And so, I wept. And I became flatulent. How could I have expressed such sexism?

I needed to do two things.

1. I apologized. I looked her in the eye, expelled some trapped upper gastric juices, and apologized with these very words:

"There is no excuse, nor should there be any tolerance, for anyone who thinks or expresses any kind of anti-female remark," I said. "But please know from my heart that I am not an anti-womyn. I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my cause."

2. I insisted on being healed by her Community: "I DEMAND TO SEE THE LEADER OF YOUR COMMUNITY! I MUST SEE THE POPE. IMMEDIATELY! WHERE IS THE POPE? BRING HIM TO ME NOW! DON'T SHUT ME OUT! PLEASE! BRING ME THE POPE NOW!"

I wailed for a good hour, running to every corner of the store, screaming for The Pope. Finally, I regurgitated on the avocado display. Viewing this as a spiritual cleaning, I left the store and headed to the bus stop to go home.

I understand what Mel Gibson is going through.

I Weep for Fidel

I went to sleep last night weeping. I was weeping for the Cuban People, and how they must be so fearful of a future without Fidel. And I was weeping for Fidel, too. Worse, my digestive system has reacted to the Cuban Tragedy in a most unforgiving way, with violent explosions of off-colored discharges with unfamiliar scents emanating from my every orifice.

Without Fidel, even temporarily, the entire universe is in grave danger of a nauseatingly directionless spinning, like a rabid animal who drank too much dishwasher detergent.

Although it is hard to accept that one of the most visionary revolutionary leaders in human history can be fallible in any way, we must accept that it is time to move on along the beautiful path of Socialism that our friend, brother, comrade, and teacher laid out for us. And for the future of the Cuban People, let us hope that they continue to be protected from the imperialist Amerikkkan monster that is always at the ready to devour them.

In the absence of Fidel (or, if you prefer, in the presence of the late Eternal Leader), I have concluded that the best interim future would be for Cuba to be led by a joint administrative body comprised of delegates from Venezuela and Iran. Only a multi-layered union of kindness appointed by Presidents Chavez and Amahdinejad can guarantee the protection of the Cuban People.

Ultimately, Cuba should be annexed to Iran. Yes, I know that Comrade Chavez would be an ideal Cuban leader, but he already has his gentle hands full with the rest of Latin America. And besides, Iran needs a presence in the Western Hemisphere. Never forget that the Amerikkkan dogs have infiltrated the sanctity of Iraq, and the Zionist savages have defiled the Middle East. And so, what better way to bring Global Justice than to have Iran staring down fascist Amerikkka, right in the same nabe.

Long live Socialism!

Motherland or Death!

We shall overcome!

- Maximum Leader Fidel Castro, May Day 2002

(For my dear readers who have sub-normal intelligence, "nabe" is a diminutive form of "neighborhood", which in this context, is a metaphor for regional proximity. On one hand, you have every right to envy my clever phrasing. On the other, as a "cranially-challenged person of limits," you should file lawsuits against someone, anyone, immediately.)