Thursday, September 21, 2006

Hugo Chavez: Hero of The University!

The electricity of the World Leaders who convened at the United Nations this week was too much for me to resist. And so, I was lured to New York to help organize a victory celebration afterwards, featuring the People's Hero, Hugo Chavez, at a prominent college.

The crowd in the Cooper Union auditorium was standing shoulder to shoulder (in solidarity!), listening, watching, and perspiring. And yes, being human, producing the most delightful diversity of sweet flatulence that has entered my nostrils in some time.

Hugo's magnetism, warmth, and compassion left me spellbound. I was fixated on this glorious soldier of truth as he spoke of his fight against oppression, racism, and genocide. It was, truly, an epic event.

I am optimistic about today's youth; I have never been so proud of my academic affiliations. Events like this can only end well.

Fighting Capitalism with Diversity and Solidarity

This semester, I am teaching a course called, "How to Fight Capitalism". Not surprisingly, it was one of the first courses to fill up, and the classes need to be taught in my university's largest lecture hall.

Being that many students have been turned away, I am making my class notes available here.

Today's topic is: How to Fight Capitalism with Diversity and Solidarity

Diversity and Solidarity: Similarities

A. Cannot be left to private markets

1. Private markets have no conscience
2. Private markets have no compassion
3. Private markets always get it wrong

B. In solidarity, we are diverse

1. Labor unions, in solidarity, represent diverse genders
2. The Democratic Party, in solidarity, represents the entire diverse rainbow of gay sexual preferences

3. In solid progressive neighborhoods, the diverse range of Christian sects are justifiably not welcome
4. The entire diverse mosaic of convicted felons are given admissions preference in my anti-Zionist Solidarity Coalition

C. In diversity, we have solidarity

1. Nations from all corners of the world vote as one against Amerikkka

D. Together, diversity and solidarity are in solidarity
E. Apart, diversity and solidarity are diverse
F. The same means are justified in meeting all solidarity and diversity ends

1. Friendly taxes
2. Expert oversight
3. Caring control

ll. Diversity and Solidarity: Differences

A. In solidarity, there is strength; in diversity, there is tolerance

1. Strength in unions; tolerance towards unions
2. Strength in the United Nations; tolerance towards the United Nations
3. Strength in government education, health care, transportation, housing, etc.; tolerance towards government employees

lll. Smash Capitalism!

A. Diversity Now! Transfer power from capitalist monsters to benevolent policy makers

1. Guarantee inclusive hiring practices; proportional representation everywhere

- Womyn in major-league baseball
- Height-challenged people in basketball
- Men should be diversity-represented, too! (Hooters waiters, dental hygienists, feminine hygiene product models, etc.)
- Prison inmates as corrections officers
- Quadriplegics in fire departments

2. Wages-and-benefits equal for all:

- Universal free unlimited healthcare
- Universal free unlimited sick time
- Universal free unlimited compensation

B. Union and Government Solidarity: Perfect Together

1.Solidarity in the workplace environment:

- Employees make all corporate decisions in a single voice, with government approval

2. Price control:

- All prices to be determined by customers, in solidarity

3. Deviations from any employees (i.e., enemies of solidarity) need to be corrected

- Imprisonment
- Deportation

Thursday, September 14, 2006

The Most Touching Thing I Have Read All Day

I am truly touched by this. Mom Has Died...Just in Time.

"I am glad PTSD/dementia clouded the last three years of Mom's life (she died at 88). Thank God she did not have to see the absurd parody of the election process she served with dedication and love for her country and her fellow man."

There is no higher calling than to wish dementia and death on a parent to spare them the even-worse suffering of awareness of the Bush Hell-on-Earth.

Note that the author also weeps a lot; we have that in common. But in this case, I weep tears of joy that his mother suffered from the lesser of two evils.

If the Republicans win the White House again, I will ask my doctor to somehow induce a brain-destroying stroke in me so that I can live out my years in the bliss of a nursing home, unaware of the Christian theocratic dictatorship.

Two Easy Ways to End “Terrorism”

Ending “terrorism” is easy – as long as we’re talking about the manufactured hysteria over so-called Muslim “terrorists” when in fact the real terrorists are in the White House and in the executive suites of Halliburton.

1) Open the borders. According to the author of a new book, Overblown: How Politicians and the Terrorism Industry Inflate National Security Threats, and Why We Believe Them,, the odds of an American being killed by international terrorism are about one in 80,000.” The solution is therefore (as we say in the academic world) trivial. By inviting all 100M Mexicans to live in Amerikkka, our population will increase to about 400M, and the odds of being killed would therefore decrease to about one in 100,000. With completely open borders, a healthy dose of immigration from Africa and The Middle East might even lower the odds to perhaps one in 150,000. Open borders = security.

2) Do nothing. When a martyr is killed by self-detonation, he (or she!) can no longer be punished. Therefore, it is once again trivial that there is no need for any action. Yes, our fascist government will boast about how they should “go after the terrorists before they harm us”…but read your kkkonstitution, pigs: You are not permitted to punish people for crimes they have not committed. And if the “terrorists” talk about committing a “crime”, then this is what we call free speech, and is also protected by your kkkonsititution. The nineteen suspects in the 9/11 attacks are dead, so just move on already.

The only terror is all the money wasted on the “War on Terror”.

- Our children are being terrorized in schools for lack of funds.

- Our working class is being terrorized by the lack of union membership and guaranteed employment.

- Our consumers are being terrorized by the oppression of Wal-Mart, McDonald’s, and Starbucks.

- Our minorities are being terrorized by hospitals leaving them to die in the gutter for lack of socialized health care.

- Our religious population is being terrorized by Islamophobia.

- Our inmates are being terrorized in prisons for lack of more comfortable facilities.

Amerikkka is nothing more than the world’s largest criminal organization.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I Decorate Kathy's Car

My PhD candidate Kathy asked if I could decorate her car. After chastising her for owning a car, I went to work, carefully ensuring that her vehicle would be presentable.

I present the results below. (Click on the pictures to see full-size. I do not discriminate against the vision challenged.)

Monday, September 11, 2006

9/11: Reflection and Outrage

Today is the Fifth Anniversary of “9/11”, and (assuming that anything of importance actually happened on that date) it is therefore a day of reflection and outrage.


I reflect on the billions of Muslims who must now live in fear of the terrible ongoing genocidal backlash against them.

I reflect on the spirit of renewal and hope, as exemplified by academia’s touching embrace of ex-President Muhammed Khatami of Iran.

I reflect on the joy in Palestine, amid Zionist oppression. How do these people manage to stay so happy?

I reflect on the Brotherhood of Humans, and how we work together towards common goals

I reflect on the 33rd Anniversary of the death of President Salvador Allende, and how we, as a World Community, must finish his Socialist Dream.

I reflect on the peaceful Eastern philosophy of Juche.


I am outraged at how Mr. Bush and his monstrous clan have eliminated every last one of our freedoms.

I am outraged at how the Mossad choreographed the entire “9/11” series of events to distract the world from the extermination, in gas chambers, of the Palestinian People.

I am outraged at how Amerikkka has become a Christian theocratic slave-state, thank you Bush.

I am outraged at how the Zionist war machine gets away with invading every country in the Middle East, and beyond, from Morocco to Malaysia – stealing their wealth and leaving them in utter deprivation.

I am outraged at the mistreatment of President Saddam Hussein; it is not too late to reverse the tragic rape of Iraq by reinstating President Hussein to his rightful throne.

I am outraged that Burger King disrespected Islam, and that AIDS is being spread by Snapple.

Yes, I sing the sad songs of reflection -- and in rage, I violently smash my office furniture. I weep for the Palestinians, for Muslims, for Socialists, for Fidel, and for Sun People everywhere. But my anger knows know bounds for my deep loathing of Amerikkka, Zionists, Ice People, and capitalists everywhere. It is for my love of humanity that I direct my intense hatred towards enemies of progressive thought. I do not care how many times the University replaces my furniture; our message must be heard.

Friday, September 08, 2006

The Charter of Progressive Politics: What We Demand

A Progressive Charter must be written, and I accept the burden of writing it.

The Charter of Progressive Politics: What We Demand

1) Ending Racism. This can only be accomplished by identifying people by their race (white, black, Muslim, sun, ice, etc.) and ensuring that benefits accrue to each group as we see fit.

2) Job Security. Unionized civil service is the model that we must apply to every job; guaranteed lifetime wages for two decades of work. Payment will be made by rich people, as their wealth was accrued by raping the working class anyway.

3) Equality of Outcome. All differences in the status of individuals are a direct result of racism. By smashing racism, we will acheive equal outcomes. Anyone who remains better off (notwithstanding policy experts who require additional compensation) is therefore, by definition, guilty of racism, and will be punished.

4) Universal Civil Liberties. This includes the right to free medical care, free housing, free education, free food, free clothing, and whatever else the Progressive Courts deem to be free. History has shown us that if anything is willed to be free, then it shall be free.

5) Jobs. Jobs, jobs, jobs. It's all about jobs. Good jobs. High-payng jobs. Jobs. After prohiibiting exploiting sweatshops like Wal-Mart, Starbucks, McDonalds, and especially Chick-fil-A, our government will supply all the jobs. Good jobs.

6) Pro-Children. The children are our future. We must therefore tax their parents. Hard. It's for their children.

7) Anti-war. Simply put: All wars are started by either Amerikkka or The Zionists. This is because the former are profiteering war-mongers, and the latter are Nazis. We must therefore work with our allies (France, Iran, the CCCP, etc.) to smash Amerikkka and the Zionist Entity.

8) A Big Beautiful Benevolent Government. There are three types of people: The ruling class, the working class, and the thinking class. The ruling class must be smashed so that the thinking class can prescribe benevolent policies for the working class. I am in the thinking class. You are probably in the working class. But I am a lot like you: The thinking class is, in fact, identical to the working class, but with high-level academic credentials. Equal, but better.

9) Anti-development. When so-called "property " is developed, birds, trout, and black people suffer. Nature's way is best. No development. Anywhere. Ever again. In fact, the resources that would have gone into development will be freed to go into high union wages instead.

10) No Special Privileges. Equal treatment for all, except to obtain equal outcomes for all. But that is not a "special privilege". Neither are special accomodations for the thinking class "special privileges"; we need more because we think more, to enhance the common good. Profits are special privileges, however, and must be elimimnated.

11) Anti-bankers. Bankers are a major cause of poverty, dislocation, and oppression -- while serving no useful purpose. They are the fourth class; the enemy (or criminal) class, which will not exist in our improved world.

12) Anti-speculators. Speculation is unearned wealth made on the backs of working people. Speculating must be abolished; all decisions must have risk-free deterministic outomes. This can only be acheived by expanding the government to the entire economy. And by eliminating the criminal class.

13) Anti-wealth. Wealth breeds corruption, and a poor populace breeds government honesty. Also, material posessions are an affront to nature.

14) Anti self-interest. All deeds must be selflessly done for others without any expectation, or hope, of compensation. When people no longer expect rewards related to their efforts, they will work harder for the pleasure of it. Of course, their basic needs will be met by regular guranteed government checks.

15) Education. Strong teachers' unions, no private competition, and curriculums designed by government-appointed experts are the keys to quality education. Along with higher school taxes. It's for the children.

16) Freedom of Speech. This is the bedrock of democracy. Except for television networks. And advertising. And radio broadcasts. And anti-union agitation. And job interviews. And tenant interviews. And hurtful or insensitive comments about one's race, religion, ethnicity, gender, sexual preference, veteran's status, age, weight, height, and criminal record.

If there are any attorneys reading this, I would like to request that you expand this document (pro bono) to at least 200 pages without changing its meaning.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Frightened Stingray Resists Steve Irwin

I am appalled and angered. And shocked. And saddened. And more, by the lack of sympathy given to the plight of the oppressed stingray, who, in her struggle for liberation, resisted the disproportionate advances of Steve Irwin. The stingray is a noble animal with more rights to live than any so-called "human" -- let alone an aggressive war-mongering monster like Steve Irwin. This is a person, after all, who publicly praised Australian Prime Minister and genocidal maniac John Howard. This is a person who has, for years, exploited innocent animals for his selfish capitalist gain.

Sound familiar?

The Zionist Steve Irwin went up against the Palestinian Stingray, and the Stingray successfully resisted! And yet, where is the United Nations? Where is the Nobel Committee?

Where is The Stingray?

If you, Precious Stingray, are reading this, then please contact me. I will arrange to put you on an academic lecture circuit to enlighten our youth about your cause, and our mutual enemies.

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