National Service: An Open Letter to President Obama

Comrade Obama!

Professor Obama Kurgman PhD^3 here.

And I would like to speak with you about your call to national service, as detailed on your official site:

President-Elect Obama will expand national service programs like AmeriCorps and Peace Corps and will create a new Classroom Corps to help teachers in underserved schools, as well as a new Health Corps, Clean Energy Corps, and Veterans Corps. Obama will call on citizens of all ages to serve America, by developing a plan to require 50 hours of community service in middle school and high school and 100 hours of community service in college every year. Obama will encourage retiring Americans to serve by improving programs available for individuals over age 55, while at the same time promoting youth programs such as Youth Build and Head Start.

I wept tears of joy at your wondrous plan to conscript people of all ages into community service!

May I suggest some excellent community programs for your consideration?

First off, I see that it is two days into your presidency, and the Zionist Entity has not yet been obliterated. What are we waiting for? Another Jenin Holocaust?

Here's a picture of what true community service looks like:


Now, imagine a ring of Community Service Volunteers protecting every Palestinian Community from the onslaught of vicious Zionist tanks. I'll bet we could conscript plenty of Volunteers from those fascist "Israel" Day Parades to lay down in front of the tanks.

For that matter, we also must send Community Volunteers to Iraq to stand down the remnants of the Amerikkkan Army. Picture Amerikkkan troops, poised to murder our Islamic brethren, and then...being intercepted by Conscripted Community Volunteers! It's Amerikkka vs. America!

I have already told my students that in order to pass, they will need to Volunteer for one of these details. In a separate message to you, I'll forward their addresses, Social Security numbers, and medical/credit histories. And I'll further indicate which ones might be from families that have not displayed sufficient respect for you during your campaign battle against fascism.

I say to my students: Turn in an enemy family, even if it is your own, and you will get a very good grade.

I also recommend that the Community Volunteers be taken from wasteful Nazi programs, like math, science, and engineering. Those are not subjects of the heart, and therefore those students will not be missed. Community Volunteer Service, as determined by The Democratic Party, easily trumps anything they do in class. Or in their fascist jobs.

President Obama, the youth are our future. They must be separated from the poisonous environments of their so-called "families", and be introduced into the one true family. We will remake them by erasing the toxins from their brains and writing fresh pages on their blank slates.

Community Service...it's the highest from of dissent! And patriotism!

Thank you, and stay in touch,

Professor Obama Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD

Professor Obama Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD

Knowing a good idea when I see one, I went to City Hall today to officially change my name to Professor Obama Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD.

Elated, I even detoured by the Marine recruiting station on my way home. As usual, I paused to display my exposed posterior to them -- though today I was also able to joyously sing that we won!

What a glorious feeling! We won!

I then took the liberty to projectile defecate on the recruitment station's front window. Listen to me, you murdering animals! We won!

Need more proof? Look at how President Obama already has a web site with a "gov" domain. He's not falling for any "wait until January 20th" Pinochet-style Republican trickery!

Still, it will take a long, long, long time to undo the Bush damage -- and especially his legacy of racism.

But at least I no longer need to move to Zimbabwe, as I was planning in the event of a McCain win.

And speaking of, I next went to the police station to find out when they will be arresting Sarah Palin for her crimes against humanity. The "officer" in charge then oinked in my direction, "Are you lodging a complaint?"

"Well, you bet I am! Isn't it your job to arrest enemies of The People?"

He then handed a form to me to fill out. I started entering my personal information...Professor Obama Kurgman...hey, wait a minute! This is a trap to send me to Guantanamo!

Frightened of what might happen to me, I accidentally (honest!) lost control of my bowels, which were transformed into reservoirs of a most liquidy byproduct of organic curdled Soy-Moo. Horrified at the thought of Bush himself attempting to capture me, I hurried out of the enemy camp, and ran home to my rent-controlled apartment.

I proceeded to defend myself by composing an academic paper on mythopoetical dialectic contstructs.

Bastards.

We won, but we must continue to fight.