Friday, May 30, 2008

Who Is Rachael Ray?

I have no idea whatsoever who "Rachael Ray" is, other than perhaps the second coming of a Rachel Corrie who is about to drink a cup of her own diarrhea.

I also have no idea what "Dunkin Donuts" is, other than it's apparently an environmentally proactive organization that sells sustainable waste products for heroes like Rachael Ray to drink.

I see there are three different grades, too.

And in solidarity with martyrs like Rachael Ray, I have a new look:

Barack: Which cabinet position am I entitled to?

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Feces: The Ultimate in Sustainability

Are you sustainable?

Am I sustainable?

No, I am afraid not. For I require inputs, which then lead to outputs, which are not recycled into fresh inputs. That is, I realized that I am depleting our beautiful planet of its every valuable resource.

Until today, when I decided to become a perfect closed system.

I started this day by eating my feces.

I wondered, at first: Should I place it in a bun? Or perhaps some toast? No no no! God DAMN Amerikkka! (Sorry, that phrase just came naturally after saying "No no no!...") But still, no no no! Bread is
not sustainable! Electricity is not sustainable! There is only so much to go around, and every time we use any resource, we are raping our planet!

And so, I tenderly picked up my waste, and gently rolled it into an oblong mass -- like perhaps melted brown tofu. (Which, upon reflection, is not that far off from where it started.) Still warm, I lifted it to eye level, inhaled its exciting scent, and carefully placed it in my mouth. Tasty! Perhaps better than tofu. And it's sustainable!

I then brushed my teeth. No, I did not brush my teeth with synthetic, hormone-fed toothpaste. I placed some leftover feces on my finger (No, I do not use a disgusting resource-hogging toothbrush) and rubbed it on my teeth, on my tongue, on vigorously into my gums.

Yes, a lot of feces did get in my beard, but I proudly wore it as a badge of sustainability as I wandered through the food co-op later, scowling at the patrons and their unsustainable ways.

Later in the day, I voided my bowels again, and elected to go for a second recycling of this precious substance. No microwave needed, thank you, as my body acted as a natural heat furnace to serve this deliciously warm wet meal.

Perhaps I will let some harden, and treat my students to some "cookies" tomorrow.

I have no guilt, because I am completely sustainable.

Are you sustainable?

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Democrats Are Racists?

Like anyone else, I get most of my news by reading Daily Kos. So, I was naturally quite surprised, confused, and conflicted when I read the news that Democrats are racist.

"And while Clinton gets 72 percent of the Democratic vote, Obama is getting just 57 percent. Some of that may be the racist vote..."
Now, if racists vote for Hillary, and only registered Democrats are allowed to vote in the Democratic primaries, that means that there are Democrats are racist!

As I said, surprised, confused, and conflicted.

Then again, of course those Kentucky white-trash redneck KKKristianist hillbillies are racist!

It's very simple, peeps: Every vote for Obama is an enlighted decision based on thoughtful inquiry and a careful objective analysis based on sound facts. And every vote against Obama is a confession of the most hateful and depraved racism; the very kind that still enslaves people of color -- and has earned Amerikkka (and it's Zionist puppet-masters) a well-deserved reputation as being the most vile and putrid nation that has ever been formed.

We need change.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A Malevolent and Stupid Question

This morning, a student approached me with a most malevolent question:

"Professor Kurgman, you always say that taxes should be higher. But what is stopping you from contributing extra taxes on your own, beyond what the IRS requires?"
I thought about this question, and referred this student to academic discipline for committing a hate crime against me.

Yes, there is such a thing as a stupid question, and this is one of them.

And there are many responses:

1. My extra contributions would only feed the Republican War Machine, and I refuse to cooperate.

2. My extra contributions, in the bigger scheme of things, are too negligible to matter.

3. I have no need to further illustrate my virtue; it is the rest of the populace that needs the
therapeutic effects of additional taxes to understand our struggle.

4. This is the ultimate example of the "Tragedy of The Commons" where private greed can only be defeated by demanding collective action of higher tax payments.

5. Such questions are clearly planted by the CIA to further oppress the cause of working people.

Listen: I will not respond to vicious personal attacks, as they are not only irrelevant, but are also insensitive and hurtful. And my lawyer will tell you as much.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Other Countries Matter!

Thank you, Senator Obama, for pointing out the obvious:

"We can't drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times ... and then just expect that other countries are going to say OK," Obama said.

Nor can we expect other countries to approve of our addictions to:

- Only one family per apartment

- "24/7" electricity

- Pharmaceuticals

- Any kind of so-called "consumer desires"

I yearn for the day when Amerikkka can meet the approval of not just some, but of
every country in the world. From Sudan to Cuba to Venezuela to Iran, all countries must approve! Except, of course, from the Stinking Zionist Corpse, which is technically not a "country" anyway.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

California's Top Court Legalizes Gay Marriage

California's top court legalizes gay marriage.

Can there be a more beautiful day?
Yes, when President Obama replaces Amerikkka's nazi judges with more empathetic judges.

Make no mistake, peeps, the purpose of judges is to
pass laws. The California Supreme Court understands this, and hopefully, a future Supreme Court will pass laws as often as I pass gas.

So, let the courts decide that the government should recognize gay marriage. And let the courts decide how criminals (read: Republicans) shall be punished. And let the courts decide how diverse your neighbors will be. And where you will live. And what you should eat. And what you will wear.
And what your use for the state shall be.

Authoritarian progressivism has worked before, and it will work again.

Thanking Our Leaders

Reader Lenin had an interesting comment the other day:

"I don't know about Alwaleed bin Talal, but I was driving in the UAE recently. The citizens there voluntarily erect billboards celebrating the achievements of their benign leaders."
Excellent idea. For a PhD dissertation.

My students will be told to create posters thanking our leaders.

First thing, Monday.

I am writing this like ad copy. Because it is effective. Very effective.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The $24,725,000,000 Bargain

In 2009, The United States Department of Energy will require $24,725,000,000.

Unfortunately, the DOE is now being administered by Resident Bush, but it is still a bargain.

Why? Because they make plans and write reports.

I know, because one of my strengths is making plans and having my students write reports. For instance, the DOE recently combined these two skills by writing a report for a possible plan for wind energy growth. This alone is probably worth $17,654,739,082, plus or minus $300 or so.

I envision hundreds of thousands of wind turbines replacing the depraved commercial and so-called "residential" uses (like horrid sprawl) that are presently littered across the Amerikkkan wasteland that lies between the coasts, and especially in Texas.

But I despair. And I am worried. Worried that $24,725,000,000 is not enough. We need more for the DOE. More tax dollars from people with so-called "earnings". (Stealing from slaves is slaves is not an earning!) We need change. And fortunately, there is someone who is promising change: Change of an additional $150,000,000,000 over ten years to The Department of Energy!

Invest $150 Billion over 10 Years in Clean Energy: Obama will invest $150 billion over 10 years to advance the next generation of biofuels and fuel infrastructure, accelerate the commercialization of plug-in hybrids, promote development of commercial-scale renewable energy, invest in low-emissions coal plants, and begin the transition to a new digital electricity grid.
You cannot put a price on plug-in hybrids. There is simply no cap.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Chinese Earthquake = JOBS!!

It's all about jobs.

When there is an earthquake, and destruction is total, then it takes jobs to set things right. From rescuers, blood donors, and gardeners nurturing organic crops, to legislators to prevent price gouging, youth corps to enforce emergency laws, and an empowered citizenry to ensure that their neighbors do not escape tax payments, these sort of natural (natural!) incidents create jobs.

Immediately after the so-called "tragedy" of "9/11" (assuming that it actually happened), I told my students that the seeming destruction of large buildings is actually a positive event because it creates jobs. Good jobs. Good union jobs.

(As an aside, if "9/11" really did happen, which it didn't, then Dick Cheney must answer for his crimes, even though jobs were created.)

This is why I am waiting for Resident Bush to leave. (You see the humor there? He is not the President, he is merely the Resident of the White House.) Bush and his Christian Cadre have been destroying jobs by interfering with those abroad who rightfully hate Amerikkka so much.

Hey, man, the jobs belong here, and not in Iraq.

These rich white bastards have been pummeling us for to long. Eventually, we shall crush them.

"Barack knows what it means living in a country and a culture that is controlled by rich, white people."
- Rev. Jeremiah Wright

Saturday, May 10, 2008

My Calendar, Week of 5/11/08

Cynthia McKinney: VOICES FOR REAL CHANGE on Mother's Day


Damages of Development: Environmental Justice and Indigenous Rights in Guatemala

Did you know that Ms. McKinney is the Green Party Presidential Candidate? She's also a friend of
Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal, who, I infer, is also concerned with global warming issues.

Ideally, Ms. McKinney would speak about indigenous rights in Guatemala, while we all lie on the floor during the die-in. That would save me much time.

I am already getting ready for the die-in by preserving my most bacteria-laden perspiration in a jar, which I will apply to myself to simulate the scent of a corpse. Perhaps, I will emit other bodily fluids (and solids...and semi-solids!) that I will use, and share, at this event.

The gravity of my commitment is unfathomable.


“We have supported state terrorism against the Palestinians and black South Africans, and now we are indignant because the stuff we have done overseas is now brought right back to our own front yards. America’s chickens are coming home to roost.” - Rev. Jeremiah Wright

Get Your Rosaries off My Ovaries!

I was going to write about keeping your filthy blood-drenched rosaries off my beautiful ovaries, but I do not know what "rosaries" are, so I will need to put this off.

Still, I am outraged by this.

White Privilege

Every day, I face the unwarranted privileges of being white.

It is something that I am ashamed of, something that worries me every day, and something I wish I could change.

I do not blame my parents for this, generally. But I am unable to understand how they were afflicted with a racist desire to avoid procreating with People of Color. Bad enough that they procreated at all! But to curse our beautiful planet with another white person was something that will always be hard for me to forgive.

That said, I found this wonderful resource that lists Fifty Effects of White Privilege in Amerikkka.

Naturally, my busy schedule did not permit me to actually read the entire list, but I wept at the fact that such a list exists.

But, to be sure, there are more than only fifty effects of white privilege, such as:

51. Being white enables you to exploit factory workers in Asia by wearing Nikes.

52. Being white means that you can kill People of Color with the toxic fumes from your SUV.

53. Being white means that you are allowed to attend universities.

54. Being white means that you can run for political office.

55. Being white means that you can be seated at Denny's, instead of being spat on, hauled into the kitchen, being forced into slavery for a week, and then beaten to death.

I could probably list another fifty example of white privilege, but instead I will leave that to my students on their final exams.

“Barack knows what it means living in a country and a culture that is controlled by rich white people. Hillary would never know that. Hillary ain’t never been called a nigger. Hillary has never had a people defined as a non-person.” - Rev, Jeremiah Wright

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Presidential Endorsement

My grad student and PhD candidate Kathy, who is on the verge of being awarded a PhD, has prepared an exceptionally articulate essay on who she endorses for president of Amerikkka.

My phone is ringing....who is this? The editorial board of the New York Times? You want to reprint Kathy's essay? Not unless it's "above the fold" on Page One!

Another Reason to Hate Wal-Mart

It's called "community".

It's the idea that we work together as one: In unity, in solidarity, and in diversity. In a community, you give. You do what your community needs from you, is your community.

Compare the visceral delights of contributing to a community...and living and breathing...and entirely existing for your community...with the opposite: Slavery and fascism.

In other nations, noble experiments fostered community among the proletariat. They were not against; they were among! See this picture of an early Soviet gay-pride parade that was combined with community obligations. Obligations from the soul!

But Amerikkka was founded on slavery and has regressed ever since. Today, we -- you and I, and especially people of color and of indeterminate gender -- are slaves. The blame is everywhere, from Mister Bush to so-called "pharmaceutical" companies to the Zionist-controlled hydra of Exxon-Mobil.

But it is best illustrated by Wal-Mart. Exploiting workers by not paying them what the community demands. Exploiting shoppers by forcing them to buy things that the community rejects. Unrelentingly smashing the small shop-owners who are the very backbone of the community.

Connect the dots, people. It's Wal-Mart vs. The Community. We have become their slaves.

Oh no, I would never, never, never urinate in a Wal-Mart dressing room! No, I would not. Never. It is because that is their tactic. They urinate on the worker, the farmer, the undocumented immigrant, the student, and, yes, on me.

The urine-soaked community will not take this lying down.

We will fight.

Oh yes, the chickens will come home to ROOST!

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Foreclosure Solution: Ban Houses

A brief history of today's housing crisis:

1. Racist bankers, on direct orders from Mr. Bush, tempt minorities with low-interest mortgages.

2. Not seeing the concealed blood-stained fangs of the Republican Murder Machine, People of Color become coerced into accepting these loans.

3. The Zionist puppet masters enslave the exploited, overworked, and vulnerable People of Color by stealing their homes, confiscating their land, and raping their women.

As a tenured professor swamped with numerous academic burdens, I can't save every human from the predatory behavior of raw bloody capitalism.

But I can offer sound policy suggestions.

See the joyous youth in the picture on the right, embracing his leader's decision to demolish housing. Now, this just happens to be in Zimbabwe, but it can also be in Los Angeles or Boston. President Mugabe's nation has no foreclosure crises. He is a leader. WE NEED A LEADER!

Were it not for my university enslaving me, I would move to Zimbabwe tomorrow!

God DAMN Amerikkka!!!


I was unaware that Greenpeace had chapters in The Lands of Sun People. Good for them!

Good to see the kids organizing, too.
These youngsters look like serious vegans!

I wonder which university they are affiliated with.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Gas Taxes: Time to Raise Them

From the New York Times:

"Leave aside that suspending the 18.4-cent-a-gallon excise tax would cost the deficit-burdened federal government $9 billion and that turning a tax off in May and on in September would be an administrative nightmare.

"Even leave aside that nixing the gas tax would increase demand for gasoline — exactly the wrong response to global warming and rising energy prices."


And these are precisely the reasons why we must also fight for higher food taxes as well.

Do you have any idea how much the absence of a 90% food tax is costing the federal government? And worse, the lack of such a tax is encouraging Amerikkkans (who are already fat enough) to deplete our food supply at epidemic and exponential rates.

What sort of message DO we want to send to our children? That they should EAT?

No one should drive or eat. Or, for that matter, be permitted to accelerate global warming by A) Wearing new clothing, and B) Using soap. These are also items that must be conserved. If we use soap, we'll lose soap.

Why can't we just replace the U.S. Congress with the Times editorial board?

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