Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Slavery Restitution Q&A

If there’s one thing I admire more than a lawyer, it’s an outraged lawyer who files class-action suits for her rights to slavery restitution.

Now, you might wonder whether you are also entitled to restitution money. Of course you are. But perhaps, under some circumstance, perhaps not. And so, I have prepared a simple Q&A so you can see if your grievances can be addrressed.

Q: One of my eight great-grandparents was a slave. Does it matter what the other seven were doing?

A: No. Your blood molecules have been seared with the memory of slavery. You are owed money.

Q: One of my 32 great great grandparents was a slave. Can I collect?

A: You are owed vast sums of money. And an apology from me for having ancestors who were not slaves.

Q: Some of my ancestors were black slaves, but others were white slave owners. What happens to me? Help!

A: This depends on what you look like. Do others see you as a Person of Color? If so, they are in your debt, and you can collect.

Q: None of my ancestors were slaves, but my father was a rapist. If people are owed money because of ancestral slavery, will I go to prison because of ancestral criminality?

A: Being a so-called “rapist” does not necessarily make one a criminal. For instance, was your father a rapist for religious reasons? That would not only absolve him of guilt, but it might bring you restitution. For that matter, did your father have control over his actions? Many people have no control over their mind and therefore have no choice in how they behave. If he meets this criterion, and he is a Sun Person, then you are entitled to compensation.

Q: I’m a black native of Africa who just moved to Amerikkka. My ancestors sold slaves to your ancestors. Where’s my money!

A: My apologies, humble Person of The Sun. I owe you much, and will demand that my university cut you a check.

Q: I live in Sudan and own several slaves. I hate you and I hate your fucking country. Someday, I will kill you and all the other filthy Zionist Americans. I have the will; all I need are the means.

A: With all due respect, Sir, I am not a Zionist! In fact, I am on your side – I recycle! And I vote! I share your anger, and suggest that you focus on “Red States” -- starting with Texas. Please let me know if there’s anything else I can do to accommodate you. My favorite Soy-Moo recipe is enclosed.


Anonymous said...


Can you be more specific about rape "for religious reasons"?

You can't possibly mean the extension of sexual hegemony by Christers and Zionists. You must mean properly asserting the cultural purity of the great Sun People's faith, by righteously eliminiating the public display of "exposed meat".

Red Tulips said...

What if my grandparents were born in Poland and Russia, and my ancestors never owned slaves, and I have a grandmother who was in the Holocaust? Should I be forced to pay reparations?

I am confused, as none of my relatives owned slaves, but I am supposedly white. (some people say Jews are not white) Do I have to pay because I am white?

Anonymous said...

I can trace my family back to Roman times. My family were slaves back in 0006. This has burdened my family for generations. I want my money and I want it now! It isn't for me - it's for social justice.

Professor Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD said...


I'll need to know a bit more about your complexion in order pass an opinion. Are you a Person of Sun? Then you deserve restitution. If you are a Person of Ice, then you are a disgrace.

Professor Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD said...

red tulips:

Did you really ask, "Do I have to pay because I am white?" Such simplicity! I can breathe that question through one nostril and blow it out the other. Of course you have to pay because you are white! You've got slave-owner's blood!

I see that you also want to know how to make amends for being Jewish. Well, just tell your people to free the Palestinians! That's all you need to do. And make reparations payments to them. Forever.

Professor Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD said...

stinky pete -

Rape is relative. It can be the most horrid and demeaning experience -- such as when our beautiful planet is raped by capitalists.

Or it can be an expression of a Faith of Sun, an offering of spiritual freedom, when it is generated on those who question their Sun Faith.

Lexcen said...

Prof, can you come to Australia, we need you to help our INDIGENOUS PEOPLE. They want our Prime Minister to say "sorry" for crimes committed by our ancestors to the aboriginal inhabitants of this continent.
Your understanding and brilliant approach to this type of issue would be an asset to us befuddled and confused usurpers of this country.

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