Saturday, July 05, 2008

Poor People's Alternatives to Wal-Hitler-Mart

Here is today's stupid question, emanating from a student who has sealed his failure in my class:

"Professor Kurgman, where should poor people shop if you feel that they should not patronize Wa

Yes, I already a class-action lawsuit against this young man, on behalf of the entire academic community that has been irreparably offended by this hurtful question.

That said, the ideal is, of course, to not shop anywhere. "Shopping" is a capitalist concept, designed to distract the working class from the mass rape being inflicted upon them by said capitalist class.

But until The Revolution is complete, we must live with this intermediate state of affairs.

And so, here is my guide to Walmart alternatives for poor people:


Poor people should stop poisoning themselves at Walmart and instead shop at Whole Foods Market. What with 100 different types of cheeses, sustainable seafood, cage-free eggs, and commitments to locally-grown organic crops and Ethical Trade, the Environment and Quality Products, it is utterly impossible to understand why machinists, truck drivers, auto mechanics, building superintendents, kitchen helpers, day laborers, and the rest of the working class would shop anywhere else. Unless, of course, they are victims of capitalist indoctrination.

Appliances and Household Items

Obviously, the poor people's place to go is Williams-Sonoma. The Hispanic market, in particular, will be intrigued by the wide assortment of furnishings for wine cellars -- which is a category completely overlooked by racist Walmart. Need more evidence of Walmart's genocidal strategy? How about their neglecting the working person's demand for tart pans?

Clothing and Sporting Goods

The people reject Hitlermart and select the environmental embrace of Patagonia. Vegan-friendly, organic, and economical, working people and minorities can easily prepare for their favorite pastimes of yoga and alpine climbing. Can anyone explain to me why food stamps are not valid for Patagonia purchases? Vote the Environment!

Another good choice is Urban Outfitters, especially for their scarves that Walmart will not sell.


By selling toys, the Nazis at Walmart are deliberately fighting the forces of human extinction, which is our planet's only hope. Poor people, minorities, wymyn, and the working class cannot fight Walmarts poisonous propaganda, and so they have no choice but to procreate. And so, if toys must be purchased, we should still not feed the monster. Instead, I recommend planet-friendly products from Progressive Kid, where "every day is Earth Day" and where you can "challenge gender roles". From $3.99 eco-chocolate bars to $24 organic T-shirts, there is no better way for poor people to spend their money.

Some people might point out that some of these stores are more expensive than Walmart. Well, of course they are, and that is because they do not sell products made by slaves. And Progressive Kid goes even further; they are so progressive that they strive to not sell anything made by any Chinese people at all! (Or, presumably, not until the Cultural Revolution returns.)

Here is a tip: When choosing between a $2/pound toxic chicken at Walmart and a $9/pound organic chicken at Whole Foods, always pay more for organic. You will be defeating the slave owners, and there is no better recipient, no more needy recipient, for your extra $7 anywhere in the world.


comrade_tovarich said...

Dearest Comrade Kurgman,

Thank you for a list of people-friendly stores. Long have I struggled with the ethics of utilizing my blood-and-sweat-earned Capitalist Exploitation Units (i.e., "dollars" to the opiated masses) in stores that offered low prices, goods made under duress in foreign lands, and most (if not all) non-union. How in this so-called AmeriKKKa of choices can I have lived so long with so few corrrect choices?

But thanks to your PhDs and peerless intellect, I have been enlightened. I give equal thanks to the US government for providing me with the food stamps that allow me to shop at Whole Foods and other progressive stores, because the murderous marketplace intentionally undervalues my contributions as an anti-Bush, anit-capitalist street performer offering the opiated masses progressive methadone.

PS: If you're not yet a Canadian, can you tell me how to become one? They're so superior.

Professor Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD said...

Comrade -

If you can escape from this prison of US of KKK, I would advise that you liberate yourself by going south to Cuba.

The mad dog Amerikkkans will undoubtedly try to machine-gun you as soon as you set sail, but your attempt will be worth it.

Yes, the Canadian health care system is a marvel -- but in Cuba, you will live forever.

BHCh said...


This reads like a biography of my life. I never shop at Walmart, love Wholefoods AND I live in Canada.

I like to think of myself as "an ethical shopper". Frankly anything else should be punishable by the state.

In the words of another Canadian blogger: "You know maybe if we forced people to feel the pain of what they put a worker through for each product they bought... Or kill a percentage of their children for each item that could not sustain itself due to overfishing, hunting or what not"

Anonymous said...

Professor, we miss your instructions. Are you OK? Are you too busy celebrating Obama's endorsement by the Communist Party USA?

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