My Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives

Having read Michael Moore’s recent pledge, I felt that it was my obligation to prepare a similar, and yet more honest, pledge. Here it is, point by point:

Mike and

Me.

(For those readers who lack a graduate degree, the above indicates that Mike’s original letter is in plain type, and my more honest letter is in bold.)

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Dear Conservatives and Republicans,

I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week's election. You're worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don't want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand.

Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power -- and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you.

We are now in charge. We are now your patrons, and you are our now our children. Stupid children, but nonetheless our children—and our burden. But don’t be upset. As certified experts, we know exactly how to run everyone’s lives—including yours. Fortunately, we are benevolent rulers, and can afford to promise you the following:

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us. This way, we will know who you are. And instead of calling you “unpatriotic”, we will call you “inmates”.

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." And by that, we mostly mean “Christian”, which of course does not let you off the hook for endless ridicule. Anyway, who you marry is none of our business, as long as we can collect lots of marriage-penalty taxes. And preferably, you won’t have any children.

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you—primarily by expanding entitlement programs, government agencies, and enforcing many new regulations for your otherwise misdirected lives.

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too, to face charges of genocide. They deserve to live to see their sentences handed down. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie—or, for that matter, any other reason whatsoever.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. For that matter, we also promise that you will be able to do or buy anything at all, regardless of your ability to pay. Everything will be free. And everything will be abundant. And everything will be of the highest quality.

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water by terminating all economic activity, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill ten million people on our soil with nuclear weapons, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you. He (or she!) will not be able to do that twice.

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business, as long as it doesn’t involve completing your 1040, or harboring thoughts of hate, or trying to get your child out of the public-school district, or hiring domestic help without full benefits and a pension, or doing anything that diminishes the greater good. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived—unlike Christians, who always have first-birthday celebrations when their child is three months old.

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun (or for that matter, a package of Sudafed) to kill a rapist invading your house, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons by confiscating them only from law-abiding people. We will protect your children just as we would protect ours, except that we don’t have children, but we still know what’s best for yours.

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.

10. When we raise the minimum wage to $300/hour, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. And everyone in the country will get ten free acres in Greenwich CT. When women are finally paid what men make (for instance, when airline pilots earn dental hygienist salaries), we will pay conservative women that wage, too.

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.

11. We will respect your religious beliefs if they are Islamic. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("When you meet the unbelievers in jihad, chop off their heads," "O Prophet! Make war against the unbelievers and the hypocrites and be merciless against them. Their home is hell, an evil refuge indeed," "In order that Allah may separate the pure from the impure, put all the impure ones one on top of another in a heap and cast them into hell.”). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless Amerikkka, he is actively trying to destroy Amerikkka. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with Christian fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the Jews. We will go after any elected leader who puts the Zionist Entity ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST, simply because there are none. Except for Senator Lieberman. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. But, again, don’t waste your breath. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when Senator Lieberman goes astray. We will destroy him and the entire Zionist Occupied Government. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.

I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.

I promise all of the above to you because this is what you are deserve, as you are all depraved Amerikkkans. Unfortunately, we are all in this together—as we sink to the bottom because of you. But since you have no power any longer, it is safe to thank you for your years of service to this country (just don’t ask me what it was!) and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.

Signed,

Professor Peter Kurgman, PhD, PhD, PhD

P.S. Michael, I still haven’t heard from you about my appearing in your next movie. Please fire the traitor who performs your administrative tasks and resubmit your invitation to me.